Elton John, Wedding Whore, Sings at Rush Limbaugh’s Wedding

Seriously, are you shitting me? Elton John sang at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding this past weekend? Could this be the seventh sign of the apocalypse?

I wrote about Sir John almost exactly one year ago in my post, Elton John, Funeral Whore, to Sing at Michael Jackson’s Service. Even I thought I was being a little harsh. I should never have doubted myself. Once a beloved musician, John has become little more than a bloated gay mascot. Is his ubiquity at celebrity weddings and funerals a last grasp at relevance? Or just a dash for cash?

Rush Limbaugh, bloated Republican mascot, is a staunch critic of homosexuality. He’s no fan of California’s music industry, judging from this quip: “The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.” Of course, that wouldn’t apply to Elton John, who’s from across the pond. But this statement might:  “When a gay person turns his back on you, it is anything but an insult; it’s an invitation.”

Hmm, what would Freud have said about that? Does Rush secretly long to be a rump rustler? It certainly seems like he’s threatened by the temptation of a male tush. I can’t imagine any man (or woman, for that matter) being attracted to Limbaugh, puffed up like a beached whale baking in the sun and emitting the foul stench of decay.

Rush Limbaugh DR sex tourist

Let’s leave such speculation to the experts for now. Rush, gay hater, paid Elton, gay star, one million dollars to sing at his wedding. Since Elton is worth close to quarter of a billion dollars, I assume he will donate the money to an AIDS charity. He has contributed millions to AIDS-related causes. Unfortunately, that does not keep Sir John from being a big, sloppy media whore.

Elton John sings at Limbaugh wedding

Then again, I would hope he’d cover Rush Limbaugh’s funeral for free. I’m just not sure what he’ll substitute for Candle in the Wind. That seems to be his go-to tune. He’s tweaked it for everyone from Princess Di to Michael Jackson.

It seems to me
that you lived your life
like a cancer in the wind…

It has a certain ring to it, don’t you think? What would you have him sing?
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Rush Limbaugh Douche of the Week

Rush Limbaugh – Douche of the Week

Rush Limbaugh Douche of the Week
It’s easy to say that we should stop paying attention to Rush Limbaugh, that by repeating his hateful speech, we are keeping him on the national stage. If you believe that, then I’ve got news for you. A lot of people listen to him and he’s not going away. His rhetoric needs to be dragged into the light and exposed as the stinking garbage it is. Here are a few smelly bits from his radio show:

Regarding Kanye West’s rude behavior toward Taylor Swift at the VMAs, Limbaugh said Obama was “probably just jealous” of Kanye’s communication skills when Obama called him a “jackass.”

Responding to police claims that an attack on a white student by black students on a bus was not racially motivated, Limbaugh said:

I think the guy’s wrong. I think not only it was racism, it was justifiable racism. I mean, that’s the lesson we’re being taught here today. Kid shouldn’t have been on the bus anyway. We need segregated buses — it was invading space and stuff. This is Obama’s America.

He also talked about how happy he is that “Obama’s failing,” that it’s what he’s wanted all along. He joked that on Monday Night football, whenever Tom Brady said “hut” it made him think of Obama’s family in Kenya, and speculated that Obama doesn’t help his family there because his “half-white side” is racist. Then he dropped this piece of philosophical excrement:

If homosexuality being inborn is what makes it acceptable, why does racism being inborn not make racism acceptable? I’m sorry — I mean, this is the way my mind works. But apparently now we don’t choose racism, we just are racists. We are born that way. We don’t choose it. So shouldn’t it be acceptable, excuse — this is according to the way the left thinks about things.

Why does anyone listen to this asshole? Apparently, this is what passes for revolutionary, patriotic thought in his fans’ minds. This would be laughable if people didn’t hang on the buffoon’s every ignorant word. It’s the Gospel of Saint Hate.

We’ve had a lot of celebrities die this year. Rush’s ample adipose tissue must hold a pharmacy’s worth of Oxycontin but the guy just won’t overdose. If only he would learn the pleasures of autoerotic asphyxiation without the safety measures. It would take an awfully strong closet rod to hold him up. Start researching fine hotels and I’ll get the belt.

More about Rush:
Listening to Limbaugh
Stop Picking on Rush Limbaugh!

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Robert Novak is Dead

Robert Novak, the right-wing “journalist” who outed Valerie Plame (with Karl Rove’s assistance) has died of brain cancer.

I hope they cut out his tumor and throw it a parade.

good rush bad rush

Begin the Day With a Friendly Voice

There should be only one Rush to rule the airwaves.
Up with Lee, Lifeson and Peart!
Down with hate-mongering Limbaugh!

good rush bad rush 

Rush Limbaugh on Hannity

Stop Picking on Rush Limbaugh!

Rush Limbaugh on HannityOn Wednesday, January 21, Rush Limbaugh struck a blow for freedom and truth. While others cowered like toadies of the new administration, he spoke truth to power, saying:

I hope he fails.

To be fair, the full quote is this:

So I shamelessly say, no, I want him to fail, if his agenda is a far- left collectivism, some people say socialism, as a conservative heartfelt, deeply, why would I want socialism to succeed?

See, that’s not so bad, is it? He’s qualifying his desire for the President (and by extension the U.S. government and all its citizens) to go down in a smoking pile of wreckage.

As he told Sean Hannity of FOX, he was just saying what everyone was thinking. He then chastised Republicans who’ve “drunk the Kool-Aid.” (Will that beloved drink ever live down the whole Jim Jones thing? Talk about a PR nightmare.)

We’re witnessing racism all this week that led up to the inauguration. We are being told that we have to hope he succeeds, that we have to bend over, grab the ankles, bend over forward, backward, whichever, because his father was black, because this is the first black president.

Limbaugh exposes the outrage of Obama’s not having the decency to have two white parents. Then again, I’m fairly sure that the press and those on both sides of the aisle suffered similar humiliation when forced to cheer for Obama’s predecessor. I imagine that must have felt like having Bozo the clown give one an enema.

In keeping with Mr. Limbaugh’s bracing honesty, I respectfully express to him my own heartfelt wish:

I hope you OD, you bloated pill-popping parasite, you weeping sore on the ass of humanity.

Related post:
Listening to Limbaugh

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Listening to Limbaugh

Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama. Of course, Rush Limbaugh couldn’t keep his stupid mouth shut about it. He wrote the following to Politico’s Jonathan Martin:

Secretary Powell says his endorsement is not about race… OK, fine. I am now researching his past endorsements to see if I can find all the inexperienced, very liberal, white candidates he has endorsed. I’ll let you know what I come up with.

How about this, Rush? An open mind might think that Powell sincerely believes that Obama will be a better president. Perhaps his experience with the Bush administration makes him more informed and thus more wary of a McCain win. If you want to get nasty about it, maybe he’s trying to wash off the stink of failure that’s all but ended his own political career; maybe he regrets his unearned loyalty to Dubya.

Perhaps it was Powell’s last flexing of political muscle, an eloquent endorsement of change or at least its possibility. Here’s a short excerpt:

…I’m also troubled by…what members of the party say, and is permitted to be said, such things as, ‘Well you know that Mr. Obama is a Muslim.’ Well, the correct answer is, ‘He is not a Muslim, he’s a Christian, he’s always been a Christian.’

But the really right answer is, ‘What if he is? Is there something wrong with being a Muslim in this country?’

The answer’s ‘No, that’s not America.’

Is there something wrong with some 7-year-old Muslim American kid believing that he or she could be president? Yet I have heard senior members of my own party drop the suggestion he’s a Muslim and he might be associated with terrorists. This is not the way we should be doing it in America.

Then here comes this ham-fisted dickhead to throw his weight around. Should it matter? No. But it does. He opens the door for people like Pat Buchanan or George Will, who works hard to sound erudite and objective as he sinks like a stone, invoking Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.

Well, I’ve been doing a little research of my own, Rush. Your most memorable quote, in my opinion, is this:

The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down.

And the most amusing thing I’ve ever seen you do is your jittery impersonation of Michael J. Fox, set to Herbie Hancock’s Rockit by The Colbert Report.

Comedy Central’s online version cuts it off, possibly due to problems with recording rights or an abundance of good taste. You can see part of it at the end of Colbert’s “The Word” segment. (The word is “shameless” and it is right on target.)

One last thing, Rush. I’d like to suggest an endorsement of your very own.

Rush Limbaugh Oxycontin Ad

I think it’s right up your alley!

Related posts:
Bill O’Reilly Cures Depression
Idiocracy Now Qualifies as a Documentary

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Bill O’Reilly Cures Depression

Yes, dear imaginary reader, I’ve been feeling Too Bummed to Blog, which should be listed in the DSM-IV. (If you don’t know what the DSM-IV is, wiki it, okay? I don’t have the will to explain.)

This is one of those times when subscribing to updates from Funny or Die pays off. Part of the allure must be its name, which appeals to both ends of my psychic teeter-totter. Checking email requires a vanishingly small amount of volition; clicking a hyperlink burns less than a mental calorie. Even I can handle that.

The site’s recording of an actual call to Des Moines Police Dispatch by an officer being hit with an M&M is priceless. (Update: While the audio is no longer available, you can still find the news story here. I wonder if the college student arrested for the assault has had trouble finding employment because of his criminal record.  As I write this nine years later, I realize how unfunny that run-in would be today.)

That leads me to the video of a  Bill O’Reilly meltdown, which is pure audiovisual Prozac.  I guarantee it will warm your cockles, wherever they may anatomically be. By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask you: when are you going to get around to washing those? They’re starting to reek.

In fact, if you suffer from a mood disorder of any kind, I highly recommend signing up for Funny or Die’s newsletter. Of course, the Will Ferrell “Landlord” video is deservedly the site’s most famous offering. But even the lame bits beat any spam from Nigeria or one of your buddy’s latest computer virus warnings. (“Somebody checked it out on snopes.com, so it must be true!”)

N.B. If you’re still feeling down, maybe Bill’s rant wasn’t enough for you. In this case, I would prescribe Top Ten Angry On-Camera Meltdowns, stat. If you’re still depressed, call 911. I’m not a miracle worker.

Related posts:

Best Suicide Note Ever!
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!

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