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PETA Master Race poster

4 New Products to Try on Valentine’s Day

We’ve told you how to pimp your vajajay, get gorgeous with crazy beauty treatments, decipher her Valentine riddles, and enjoy some quality alone time with an iTunes app. Now Magick Sandwich brings you this dispatch from our annual genital Olympics.

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Our tireless pursuit of hairless pudenda has claimed a hidden casualty. The pubic crab is all but extinct, Bloomberg.com reports, due to our destruction of its habitat. (Where is PETA? Off protesting the eugenics of dog breeding at the Westminster Kennel Show? Are saber-toothed crotch critters unworthy of affection? How species-ist!)

PETA Master Race poster

Great analogy, PETA

 

While it may be too late for the littlest victims, we can hide our guilty loins with the Kitty Carpet, a reusable downstairs toupee. A popular style is the Michael Jackson, presumably because it looks like a Jheri curl and is highly flammable.Kitty Carpet merkin

For the man who has suffered feelings of inadequacy since watching Mad Men (also known as Jon Hamm-feriority complex), there is the faux bulge of Trunk in My Junk, an underwear insert that offers the latest in stealth codpiece technology. Unless she tries to put her hands down your pants.

Trunk in My JunkAlso for gents, the soothingly named ballsBalm is a depilatory lotion that comes with a decidedly rough-looking exfoliating glove. The company touts it as an enjoyable adjunct to pleasuring oneself. It sounds like a sadomasochistic way to cut the brush to make the tree look bigger. If sandpapering one’s own gonads was pleasant, Home Depot wouldn’t be able to keep the stuff in stock.ballsbalm magick sandwich

Finally, a product called repHresh uses this cute girl in Groucho glasses to represent other deodorants that mask vaginal odor. Can Mr. Marx’ estate sue? (Please?) While in this case “pH balance” is code for “smelly cooch,” the ad also mentions odor seven times, proceeding from the assumption that women already stink.

Groucho girl rePhresh

Ladies, if you go to all this trouble and your man still doesn’t like it down there, maybe he’s gay!

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Whatever’s trending for you, #bush or #bald, we at Magick Sandwich wish you a happy Valentine’s Day. No matter what you’ve got going on, have fun. Go crazy. Tain’t nobody’s business if you do!

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Corn kernels Magick Sandwich

Gross Anatomy

Corn kernels Magick SandwichAlert: Adult themes, juvenile language.

Every once in a while, we at Magick Sandwich get down and dirty. This is one of those times. If you’ve never seen a curse word, avert your eyes and log off the internet forever. It’s not a safe space for you.

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I’m not sure how I happened upon a listing for Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes, but I do know I never want to eat at the author’s house. The ad copy is priceless. “Semen is inexpensive to produce….” Pretty much free, I reckon. Looking for a use for excess seed? This is your lucky day. Order this book and your wife will never complain about your chronic masturbation again. But you will never look at flan the same way again.

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Speaking of sperm, can we please retire the LiveStrong bracelets now? What’s next, a chlamydia bracelet? (Kate Hudson, are you listening?) Lance Armstrong had testicular cancer and then won the Tour de France. So what? He had one ball, people, not one leg.

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The wrapper on my toilet paper reads Scott. Common Sense on a Roll. If the benchmark for common sense is not wiping your ass with your bare hand, I think we’re setting the bar a little too low.

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Now available at a drugstore near you: electrically charged face cream. Neutrogena explains the technology:

Patented ion2 complex™ contains essential ion-mineral conductors that, when activated by the companion moisturizer, create a positive electric micro-current. It’s so gentle you can’t feel it, but you’ll see a resilient, toned, overall more youthful look.

Yes, it’s so gentle you can’t feel it—but your wallet will. Come to think of it, I’m going to go lick a battery and hand myself twenty bucks.

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I got an email this morning from Shu Uemura Art of Hair inviting me to “discover our precious ingredients.” Here’s one:

Unpolluted and free of bacteria, Depsea Water is drawn 200 meters beneath the Sea of Japan. Matured over hundreds of years, it is a rich source of essential minerals and nutrients that provide ultimate purity and hydration.

Drop one of the letters from “deep sea,” smush them together and presto! We’ll forget that it’s water. Thank God it’s drawn from 200 meters down because 100 meters down is filled with fish pee. But if it’s so “precious,” why am I putting it on my head? Shouldn’t I be drinking it or praying to it? Then again, my dishwasher liquid is infused with gold dust. Isn’t yours? And I eat coal and shit diamonds. Oh wait, that’s corn.
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Addressing the dearth of existential jewelry, Meghan Farrell has created a brain-shaped ring inspired by “one of the most influential psychology professors [she] had while at Sarah Lawrence.” That teacher must be so proud. You can get a safety pin necklace that symbolizes security or a profile of a head that represents paying her rent. She’s available for private consultation if you’d prefer a customized design. It’s all the result of the jeweler’s study of auto-kinetic and chaos theories, math and a great big steaming pile of horseshit.

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There, I feel better. I pushed that thing out like an ugly baby. If I’ve left you with anything today, let it be this: If you sell it properly, people will pay for the privilege of eating or applying just about anything. Also, I guarantee that the next time you encounter semen, you’re going to think about baked goods. You’re welcome.

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