Lance and Kate Split: The Horror, The Horror

Say it ain’t so! Philandering one-balled bicyclist Lance Armstrong and free love advocate Kate Hudson have called it quits! I, for one, am shocked and dismayed! Click here for details from Daily News. Just kidding—I know you don’t really care.

This is just one more thing to distract us from the national deficit, Ted Stevens‘ indictment, Robert Novak‘s brain tumor, and the Republican wingnut running for president. (Is it just me, or does he look more like the gopher from Caddyshack every day? I keep expecting him to break into ‘I’m Alright’ while swaying back and forth.)

I do feel sorry for Ryder, Kate’s son. In addition to keeping his hair long to use him as a parental fashion statement, Kate should buy him an “Are you my new daddy?” t-shirt and put a revolving door on her bedroom.

I’m not excusing that slut Armstrong by any means. But this leg-shaving, spandex-wearing hound has lucked into more p***y than anyone in the history of cycling and he’s going to get it while he can. Ball cancer’s the best thing that ever happened to him.

As for Ryder hanging out with Mom in an ass-baring thong, just start the therapy fund now. And don’t blame Oedipus. I doubt Kate Hudson ever read the classics.

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