Sandwich Fixins #6
Once again I find myself a few (magick?) sandwiches short of a picnic. So I offer you the condiments of my mind with another helping of Sandwich Fixins.
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When you order Domino’s online, you can post your order to Facebook. As technological solipsism reaches its zenith, can the apocalypse be far behind?
My dream job would be to work in a think tank at Arm & Hammer, coming up with new ways to market baking soda.
When I need to feel smart, I read a message board—any message board. The writers’ streams of consciousness read more like comatose trickles.
How many bars of soap could be made from the rendered fat of Rush Limbaugh?
When did “gift” become a verb? “The star was gifted the necklace after the photo shoot.” Wasn’t she given the necklace?
When did “shone” disappear? For example, “The star shined at the opening.” I don’t understand. Was she polishing something?
I saw Karl Rove in person, so I can cross “be in the presence of evil” off my bucket list.
If you feel that any of my jokes require a little help, add your own percussion with Instant Rimshot.
More fixins:
Sandwich Fixins #3
Sandwich Fixins #4
Sandwich Fixins #5
I no longer carry a cell phone, watch or credit cards. Fuck it all. I don't care about good or evil or war or peace or Domino's orders on Facebook. Why lose it over shit I either can't control or honestly don't give a damn about. Fuck it! I'm going skiing tomorrow–that I care about!
@Don: You're right, of course. None of this matters. But I'm not "losing it" over this shit. In fact, meaningless as it all is, just writing and poking fun at silly things is keeping me tethered to the world at the moment. Stupid or not, I'm holding on.
I like ordering Dominoes online so I can watch the real-time status update of what's happening to my pizza.
@John: I leave it up on my laptop so my husband and I can watch the pizza's progress. Have you ever messed with a delivery guy's head calling him by name, since it lists the name of the "delivery expert" online?
Are you kidding? They call the delivery guy a "delivery expert?" I think I need to order one online just to see how this all goes down.
p.s. I love the word 'shone.' I also like 'shan't' but nobody really uses that anymore. Sometimes I use it just to see the reaction.
@Kathy: Yes, it's oddly mesmerizing to watch. If you do it, please share it on Facebook so I will know your delivery expert is on his way.
Shone is a lovely word. We've replaced our language with Epic FAIL and WIN. No good can come of this.
I have yet to create a bucket list. Should I put that on my to-do list, or is that just creating more paperwork?
You could probably net a lot of bars of soap from Rush. Of course, they'll be blue bars, considering all the little blue pills he enjoys.
Paul
http://mithoughtsnow.blogspot.com/
@RyanGarns: I just like saying the word 'bucket' even if it's just in my mind. Trust me, if you heard me say it, you'd be laughing out loud.
I actually created the bucket just for Karl Rove. I added him after I saw him. This way it's much less disappointing. If I get hit by a bus today, there won't be anything on the list that I haven't done.
@Mi Thoughts: I Googled saponification and based on my knowledge working for a plastic surgeon who did liposuction, Rush's fat would yield about two hundred bars. Since lipo'ed fat looks like a cherry slurpee and rendered fat looks like lard, we'd have to add the coloring afterward. We'd call it Oxycontin Blue and I'd give you proper attribution, of course.