Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!

2025 Update: I wrote this in 2008 and shared it with my psychiatrist, who liked it so much he used it in a speech at a conference and told me it was a huge hit. He recently passed away, which made me think of this. It’s important to have a sense of humor, even (or especially) about our darkest thoughts. I can’t feel bad while I’m laughing. I’ll bet you can’t either.

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Hey, everybody! Have you been struggling with what to get for those desperately unhappy people in your life? Why wait for an official holiday? (After all, they could be dead by then.) Sad, lonely people are grateful for the smallest gesture and may even feel a flicker of hope before their inexorable fall back into the bottomless pit of despair. Kudos to you, gift-giver!The “I Wish I Were Dead” mug from theonion.com makes a lovely gift for a disillusioned co-worker. And it’s grammatically correct, so it’s also a great gift for your insufferable ex-English major friends who’ll probably live to a ripe old age because they can’t finish editing their suicide notes.

What about a gift for that friend who is teetering on the edge, who hasn’t fully submitted to dejection? The folks at despair.com can help. They have a whole range of products that drive home the laughable futility of hope.

Finally, here’s an honest fashion statement from our pal Archie McPhee. The next time your loved one looks at his pristine wrist, he will be reminded of your generosity and his true outlook on life. Hopefully, he will at least take off that yellow One-Balled Bicyclist band for good! Just make sure it’s taken off before cremation—burning rubber is bad for the environment! Have a great day!

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You can still order the cat poster at Despair, Inc. It has an amazing roster of demotivational posters. Unfortunately, The Onion and Archie McPhee have discontinued the mug and wristbands. Given the state of our world, I think now would be a good time to bring them back to life!