I don’t really love Satan. We’re just good friends.

I used to steal “Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted” signs.

I once walked through the Mercedes exhibit at the New York Auto Show shouting, “Where’s Hitler’s staff car?”

I placed pictures of naked women in random places in the Salt Lake City airport because its magazine stands cover up photos of women in bathing suits.

I always check hotel room bibles for messages and write ones for future guests.

I drink filtered water but eat Slim Jims.