Fixins Archives - Page 2 of 2

Sandwich Fixins #3

September 24, 2008

It’s that time again when I’ve got lots of filler but nothing sandwich-worthy. So here it is, another serving of fixins!

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I think Rudy Giuliani should buy a Porsche so he can say, “Hi, I’m Rudy and this is my 9-11.” It would give him one more way to bring up his favorite topic.

Addendum: Why hasn’t anybody protested to get Porsche to change the name of that model out of respect for the victims? Someone should get on that right away.

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T-shirt idea:

Front:
Don’t hate me for drinking bottled water.

Back:
Hate me for selling crack to your kids.

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President Palin: If McCain wins and dies of some face-melting cancer, we’ll end up with the gerund-dropping vagina minder in office. I think if that happens we should swap out the Oval Office for the set of Hee Haw. It’ll make her presidential addresses seem more authentic. The Hee Haw guys could sing Gloom Despair and Agony in the background.

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The Wall Street bailout shouldn’t shock anyone. Millions of people use something every day to try for a bailout: it’s called a lottery ticket. It’s said that a person is more likely to be struck by lightning than to win the lottery. With the state of the world, getting hit by lightning might not be such a bad thing. I’ve tried standing with my ticket in a tin foil hat in the middle of a thunderstorm but that hasn’t worked, either. I guess I have no luck at all.

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Well, that’s all for today, boys and girls. I’ve got to get back on eBay and bid on more Lehman Brothers stuff.

Looks like I’m gonna need it.

More fixins:
Sandwich Fixins
Sandwich Fixins #2

Sandwich Fixins #2

August 4, 2008

Fun Fact:

The remains of Fredric Baur, the man who invented the Pringles can, are buried in a Pringles can.

Vocabulary Fun for a Good Cause:

For each word you define correctly, the United Nations’ World Food Bank will donate ten grains of rice to help feed the world’s hungry.

Because You Know You Want To:

Buy John Waters: Place Space, a book of photos taken by Todd Oldham.

Mr. Waters, you are my Jesus of filth. I accept that you, my personal savior, choose to shun dentistry. But, if it be thy will, could you please get Mr. Oldham to reconsider his own unfortunate orthodontia? I know he’ll listen to you, and those things could really hurt somebody!

Related posts:
Je suis arrivée!
Sandwich Fixins

Sandwich Fixins

July 22, 2008

In an homage* to Mattress Police, in which Diesel “clean(s) out the disorganized sock drawer of [his] mind,” I present the hopelessly derivative yet first ever edition of Sandwich Fixins.

*homage: ten dollar word for theft

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Fun Fact: When I was a teenager, I liked to steal “Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted” signs.

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Psychology Corner: I read somewhere that a purse is a metaphor for a vagina. This is a relief for me since I thought a purse was an actual vagina. Finally, I can stop looking for the prettiest one to put my stuff in.

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Allergy Update: Who needs guns for another Columbine? Just lock all the exits and put a peanut in every lunchbox.

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Literally Speaking: Was Thomas Beatie the world’s first pregnant man? Here’s a handy way to find out:

Was he born with a womb?
Did the baby gestate in that womb?

If the answer to these questions is yes, then no, he was not the world’s first pregnant man! Close but no cigar…even if a cigar is later attached.

Technically, he is the first documented FTM transgendered male-identified person to give birth. No judgment here, people, just a call for precision. Don’t call Guinness just yet.

When I see a natural born dude grow a baby in his abdominal cavity and squeeze it out through his ding dong, I’ll be convinced. Until then, this is just two loving parents having a child together. Who’s wearing the mustache is beside the point.

This answers the great Zen koan, “If my aunt had balls, would she be my uncle?” The answer is yes, but she couldn’t be your Dad.