Chocolate Powered by Prayer: Product of the Week

Despite our name, we at Magick Sandwich do not believe in magical foodstuffs. So imagine our surprise when we found this company peddling enlightened delectation: Intentional Chocolate.

First of all, let me point out that unless you’re being tortured–the technical term might be choco-boarding– your ingestion of chocolate could arguably be defined as intentional. But this company goes way beyond that simple definition.

Its founder, Jim Walsh, states: “Whoever consumes this chocolate will manifest optimal health and functioning at physical, emotional and mental levels and in particular will enjoy an increased sense of energy, vigor and well-being for the benefit of all beings.”

This feat is accomplished by having each chocolate prayed over by “advanced meditators — some who have trained with the Dalai Lama — and is delivered with love to those who eat it.” I would hope in addition to love, the Lama taught them to use sneeze guards, rubber gloves and observe the “Employees Must Wash Hands” sign in the company restroom. No offense to these highly-trained love infusion specialists, but I don’t want monk snot or worse on my chocolate.

Still skeptical? It’s been “proven by scientific research to heighten well-being.” In 2007, alternative health journal Explore (which also touts garlic as a breast cancer preventive) reported that a study of 62 people found that subjects who ate the intention-infused chocolate had more energy and better moods after three days than subjects stuck with plain chocolate. Wow, I’m convinced. Imagine what they could accomplish if they prayed for world peace?

The site also asks this deep question. “Why is a home cooked meal so satisfying and healing? Because it was made with love and infused with care.” But my grandparents hated each other. Why didn’t her cooking kill him? Hey, wait a second…he did die, eventually. This Jim Walsh guy is onto something. Just to be on the safe side, make sure someone tickles the chef or slips him a Prozac the next time you’re out to dinner.

More products:
Prescription Eyelashes: Product of the Week
Fart Filter: Product of the Week

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Sucker Files: Q-Link

Straight From the Sucker Files: The Q-Link

Sucker Files: Q-LinkAccording to the April 2008 issue of InStyle magazine, Lindsay Lohan wears a powerful fashion statement.

“The Q-link is a metallic pendant worn near the heart that purports to adapt to your personal energy frequencies.”

Instyle says Madonna wears one, too. I hope this doesn’t clash with the frequencies of her red string anti-evil-eye Kabbalah bracelet. With all this energy bouncing around, can Salma Hayek (another purported wearer) pick up Sirius radio on her dental fillings?

It’s also said that the pendant may help to “ease stress, increase focus, boost energy and enhance overall well-being”. That must be after its energy has helped to boost money directly from the sucker’s wallet.

For a closer look at this harebrained fashion statement, click here. Rest assured, it looks equally at home hanging around the neck of an air-headed celebrity or any denizen of Quark’s bar.

Also available is the Q-Link Golf pendant, which purportedly protects sportsmen from harmful EMF radiation according to this handy equation: “less stress + more focus= lower golf scores”. It could just be that your fellow golfers are laughing so hard, they can’t make the green. But I’m so cynical. I guess it could work, right? Tiger Woods, are you listening?

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Magick Sandwich

More Louise Hay Garbage

I admit that I’ve whored around the Self-Help section of life’s cosmic bookstore, looking for answers. But since perfectionism can lead to procrastination, I stopped. Serial killers tend to have high self-esteem, too, but I found that out in the Psychology section, Self-Help’s educated relative a few shelves down.

But there’s one old mindfuck that keeps coming back and chafing my brain like a mental herpes sore. Her name is Louise Hay. I bought her book, You Can Heal Your Life, in the late 1980’s. (Hey, the Eighties were a bad time for a lot of us- don’t judge me.) Among other things, she said that we choose our parents before we’re born. Don’t consider the logistics of that for too long or your head may explode. We also mentally cause all of our own physical problems and can cure them with a little affirmation. My cat puked on the book cover. Was he trying to tell me something? In Louise Hay’s universe, maybe. I loathed that book. It sold millions.

Now I see that she has published many books since then. From the look of her website photo, she invested my $12.99 in bad plastic surgery. Affirmations can’t cure that any more than she can wish back her shit-canned facial skin. Since I won’t be contributing to the sales of her newer book, I thought it would be fair to share some thoughts from her first one. (I ripped off the cover and kept it. God, I miss that puke stain.) Here are a few of Louise Hay’s diagnoses for mental causes of physical problems.

Warts: “Little expressions of hate. Belief in ugliness.”
Tinnitus: “Refusal to listen.Not hearing the inner voice. Stubbornness.”
Multiple Sclerosis: “Mental hardness, hard-heartedness, iron will, inflexibility. Fear.”
Ingrown Toenail: “Worry and guilt about your right to move forward.”
Tapeworm: “Strong belief in being a victim and unclean. Helpless to the seeming attitudes of others.”

Of course, I don’t want to spoil the ending for you by writing down Ms. Hay’s cures. But I must make one exception. If you or anyone you know is currently suffering from gangrene (“Mental morbidity. Drowning of joy with poisonous thoughts”) apply this information immediately: I now choose harmonious thoughts and let the joy flow freely through me. Repeat this new thought pattern to yourself several times. Assume that you are already in the process of healing.

Please, Ms. Hay, forgive me for using your sacred text! I feel it is my duty to pass on your healing message! Sufferers must be free from the bondage of Western medicine and learn that they have only themselves to blame! They must think, think, think their way to health. (Oh, and they must buy your books, too. But Ms. Hay, since you gave us all the tools in the first one, why did you need to write another? Have you been holding out on us?)

Please remember, dear reader, if the snake oil you’re drinking tastes bitter, maybe you’re just not drinking the right brand!

N.B. I’m working on a project of my own: If We All Concentrate, We Can Give This Charlatan Bitch Cancer.

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