stupid baby names Archives - Magick Sandwich

One More Stupid Baby Name

May 14, 2018

Would the world keep turning without the addition of one more stupid baby name? Thanks to Pete Wentz, we can put off finding out for one more day. He and girlfriend Meagan Camper have named their newborn Marvel Jane Wentz. Was Intellectual Property Infringement already taken?

She joins big brother Saint Lazslo and half-brother Bronx Mowgli, who was featured in Stupid Baby Names Part Duh, the followup to our original Stupid Baby Name Generator, Zuma Nesta Rock Paper Scissors Edition.

I foresee a childhood of superhero-themed birthday parties and Halloween costumes which will be sporadically documented in Us Weekly magazine until we all forget who Pete Wentz is (again) or he fathers another child and names it something crazy, whichever comes first. (How do I know this will happen? Just like I predicted the divorce of Wentz and then-wife Ashley Simpson: I’m psychic.)

I trust Marvel will be sent to an exclusive private school, where she won’t be teased by her classmates because they too are saddled with ridiculous names meant to brand them as exceptional. I do hope she’ll get along with my little one, Hashtag Srsly.

More stupid baby names:
The Mother Lode of Stupid Baby Names
Still More Stupid Baby Names

The Mother Lode of Stupid Baby Names

December 8, 2015

Bad Baby Names

As we wait with bated breath to learn the name Kim Kardashian and Kanye West choose for North West’s little brother (because nothing else is going on in the world), let Magick Sandwich entertain you with its nearly comprehensive yet thoroughly incomprehensible list of stupid baby names and the sadists who came up with them.

Repeat Offenders

Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson named their daughter Maxwell Drew in honor of his dad’s middle name and Jessica’s mom’s middle name, respectively. Son Ace Knute was born 20 months later in 2013. He was named Knute after Eric’s grandfather and Ace after, what? A bandage? Frehley? The Red Baron?

Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale named their youngest son Apollo Bowie Flynn after their mothers’ maiden names. Since their other sons, Zuma Nesta Rock and Kingston James McGregor, were named for Stefani and Rossdale’s favorite places, can we assume they took a secret trip to the moon between tours? (Maybe that’s what split them up–it sucked all the oxygen out of their relationship.)

Soleil Moon Frye and Jason Goldberg have a son, Lyric Sonny Roads, and two daughters, Poet Sienna Rose and Jagger Joseph Blue, names that remind us of ice cream, crayons and paint chips, not necessarily in that order.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin named their son Moses for a song he wrote for Coldplay and daughter Apple because it sounded “lovely and clean,” not because they were on a fruit cleanse or illegally downloading better music onto their iPods. If only their kids could consciously uncouple from their names.

Girls

Jay-Z and Beyoncé liked Blue Ivy, the name they chose for their daughter, so much that they tried to have it trademarked. It had already been taken by a Boston wedding planner. Isn’t there a site they could have checked first? Yes–Trademark Electronic Search System (TESS), in case you ever need it.

Alicia Keys and Swiss Beatz named their daughter Egypt in honor of a life-changing trip. Thank goodness it wasn’t to Bayonne.

Holly Madison, previously one of “The Girls Next Door” known for letting Hugh Hefner play with her lady parts, named her daughter (with Pasquale Rotella, not Hef) Rainbow Aurora. Warm up the stripper pole. Was Inflamed Herpes Sore already taken?

According to Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, they decided to name their daughter Wyatt after coming up with it at a Lakers game. Anything would be preferable to actually watching a Lakers game.

Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard named their daughter Lincoln Bell and claimed it had nothing to do with our sixteenth president. Instead, she was named after Shepard’s first car. If so, it’s a good thing it wasn’t a Gremlin. Then they’d have to explain their kid had nothing to do with a certain beloved movie franchise from the 1980s.

Why did Zooey Deschanel and Jacob Pechenik name their daughter Elsie Otter? Zoey explained on the Today Show, “We just really liked the name Elsie and then we both love otters. They’re very sweet, and they’re also smart.”

Otters are vicious carnivores. Narwhals are cute. Everybody knows that.

At least Elsie is a recognizable name. Blake Anderson named his daughter Mars Ilah. Mars. Ilah. Lorenzo Lamas named his daughter Press. That isn’t even a proper name, is it? Garlic, cider, permanent: those are presses.

Rob Morrow named his daughter Tu. Tu Morrow. What a dick.

Other questionable girl’s names include Arlo Lemoyne Yoko (Johnny Knoxville); Romy Hero (Sam Taylor-Wood); Royal Reign (L’il Kim); Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee); Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette); Maxwell Lue (Lindsay Sloane); Autumn James (Jennifer Love Hewitt); Harper (Tiffani Amber-Thiessen); Harper Seven (Victoria Beckham); and James (Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds).

Boys

Musicians Ciara and Future named their son Future. It’s too bad his dad’s given name is Nayvadius Wilburn. Otherwise, he could be called Future II and that would put us in mind of another beloved movie franchise of the 1980s.

It should come as no shock that Jenelle Evans of “16 and Pregnant” gave birth to son Jace Vahn when she was sixteen. Last year, she had another son and named him Kaiser Orion.

Kaiser joins Banjo (Rachel Griffiths); Kal-El (Nicolas Cage); Bodhi Ransom (Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green); Kase Townes (Jewel and Ty Murray); Meredith Daniel (Jay Mohr), Sundance (Kerri Walsh); Bear Blaze (Kate Winslet); Bear Blu (Alicia Silverstone); Axl Jack (Fergie); Kroy (Kim Zolciak); Zolten (Jillette again); Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz (Beckham again).

Double Winners

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon occupy a category unto themselves: first-timers guilty of multiple offenses after the birth of their twins. They named their girl Monroe after Mariah’s idol, Marilyn Monroe. What inspired them to name their son Moroccan? He’s named after the décor in one of Mariah’s favorite rooms of her $9 million penthouse in New York.

It gets weirder. Cannon bragged that Mariah insisted her Madison Square Garden performance of Fantasy be played during labor, so the twins emerged to the sound of applause.

The Stupid Baby Name Award goes to…

Jeremy Sisto and Addie Layne, who named their daughter Charlie-Ballerina in 2009. They wanted to call her Charlie Kyd, but David Duchovny had already used Kyd for his son. So when their son was born in 2012, they named him Bastian Kick. They reasoned that Kick was close to Kyd and, according to Sisto, “He felt like a ‘B’ somehow … and we went for the B’s,” What, he didn’t deserve a hyphen?

Congratulations, Moms and Dads! You suck. Luckily, you can afford the therapy your children will require for the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder they will experience after suffering through their childhoods saddled with names so stupid, fruit flies would kill themselves to avoid a lifetime of embarrassment…and they only live a few weeks.

Kids, you can change your name! If you want to mess with your parents’ heads, switch to something even crazier. May we suggest Glyph, Magma, Subvert, Irony, Periodic Table or ellemenopee?

More crazy names:
Stupid Baby Names Generator, or Zuma Nesta Rock Paper Scissors: Home Edition
Stupid Baby Names, Part Duh
Still More Stupid Baby Names

Still More Stupid Baby Names

February 22, 2010

It’s time for another installment of stupid baby names. Together, we’ll analyze how celebrities choose baby names to accessorize themselves. It’s the ultimate in lifestyle branding. Let’s start with the classics:

Music and Movies

The hits keep coming for Rachel Griffiths. Clementine could be named for a 19th-century song about a drowned woman, or perhaps for the scurvy-curbing Christmas stocking stuffer. Clementine joins her five-year-old brother, Banjo. Rachel might be trying to evoke bluegrass, but all I keep hearing is the theme from Deliverance.

Boris Becker has named his son Amadeus. This may be a hint that Boris would like his son to take up music instead of tennis, or it could be a tribute to the quirky movie of the same name. Then again, it might simply reveal an abiding love of Falco.

Will Ferrell‘s third son is named Axel. Could Will be sending a baby-sized shout out to Axel Rose? (Does Guns’n’Roses need more cowbell?) Or is this a sly reference to Ferrell’s skating moves in Blades of Glory? Can Axel’s brother, Magnus, live up to the promise of his name’s Latin origin, great? I’d wager he’s got a better shot than Banjo.

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden named their first child Harlow Winter Kate, which is not stupid at all compared to their new baby’s name. (More later.) Jean Harlow was an actress who died of renal failure at age 26. But before that, she got to make a lot of cool flicks with Clark Gable, which happens to be Kevin Nealon’s son’s name. Unless Kevin named him for a roofing style, I suggest he arrange some play dates for Gable with Harlow. You never know. Some stupid baby name meta-inbreeding could ensue.

Literature

Parents can prove their own intelligence with literary names for their peeing, pooping progeny. They’ll function as a portable Cliff Notes of cool. We turn to Greek mythology for Anne Heche‘s latest issue. Atlas was forced by Zeus to hold up the world. Atlas and his half brother, Homer, will be forced to read about their mom’s time as Celestia or see her on YouTube, channeling her alter ego to Barbara Walters
(with some sophomoric sound effects thrown in for good measure). Sorry, kids.

In this category, we have a stupid baby name for the underachiever: Story. Jenna Elfman is expecting her second child this spring. Hopefully, she’ll aim a little higher this time. As for Story, what is it? Is it a book, a comic, a Scientology handout? It could refer to anything. No pressure, kid! Just smoke some bud and relax!

Geography and Nature

Place names have just been done to death, people. If you must, use my Stupid Baby Name Generator, but be warned! When kid number 19 from Michelle and Jim Bob (Jim Bob!) Duggar of TLC’s 19 Kids and Counting is named Josie Brooklyn, place names have officially jumped the shark. Sorry, Josie! Remember, it’s easy to change your name. Satchel Allen did it and you can, too. You can talk about it in therapy, which hopefully you’ll be able to afford once your mother runs out of eggs.

Naked Chef Jamie Oliver is growing a human garden with Poppy, Daisy and new daughter Petal Blossom Rainbow. Granted, his wife’s name is Jools, but that’s no excuse. Do you want your daughter to be rolling around in the mud with some dirty hippie at a music festival? Is that what you’re wishing on her?

Mr. Oliver is just not famous enough to nab the stupid celebrity baby naming prize: this goes to Nicole Richie for naming her son Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Won’t the kid collapse under the weight of all those names? Is Sparrow an homage to Pirates of the Caribbean? Is James Midnight his porn name? And wouldn’t it be strange if a boy named Sparrow grew up to be hugely fat? (Not that I’m wishing that on him or anything…that would be wrong.) Nicole, your prize awaits: the first three seasons of The Simple Life.

Finally, from the That’s Unfortunate! department comes this announcement, run in Entertainment Weekly:

Grammy-winning album producer Rodney Jerkins, 32, and his wife, singer Joy Enriquez…greeted a daughter, Heavenly Joy, on Nov. 17 in L.A.

That’s right. Heavenly Joy Jerkins. Hey, at least it’s a girl!

More stupidity:
Stupid Baby? Sue Disney
Stupid Baby Name Generator
Stupid Baby Names, Part Duh
The Mother Lode of Stupid Baby Names

Stupid Baby Names Part Duh

August 19, 2009

At Magick Sandwich, we’ve been amassing new baby names since our stupid baby name generator featuring Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale posted a year ago.

First up is Bronx Mowgli Wentz, son of soon-to-be split Fall Out Boy Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. (How do I know they’ll divorce? I’m psychic.)

As Us Weekly reported at the time,

Don’t look for any deep reason the Texas-born Simpson-Wentz and her Illinois-bred husband opted to give son Bronx the same name as an NYC borough. “I think they just thought it was a strong name,” a source tells Us. “I doubt they’ve been to the Bronx.”

Their choice of Mowgli for the baby’s middle name? It shows “they’re huge Disney fans.”

So here’s the formula:

#1. Pick a borough of New York City. No cheating from the bridge and tunnel crowd—you know who you are.

#2. Pick your favorite children’s story character. To make it a little more interesting, it can also be a character from an animated film, a Broadway play, or the name of a company that feasts on parents’ wallets by marketing action figures and toy tie-ins. (But please, no Ewoks or Happy Meals. You need to give your child a fighting chance to live to adulthood.)

Here are a few of mine:

Staten Island Pixar
Brooklyn Paddington Bear
Manhattan Shrek

I actually like those. It almost makes me want to have children. Almost.

Speaking of which, there are already many tots in the world struggling under stupid monikers. Since we have a lot of catching up to do and many of these incredibly stupid baby names conform to no formula, I will have to list them and let them inspire you to come up with your own freestyle concoctions.

In the “I’m with the band” category:

Bandit Lee Way, son of Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance. I’m guessing Dad is a Burt Reynolds fan.

Ikhyd Bronfman, son of Mathangi Maya Arulpragasam and Benjamin Bronfman. No wonder Mathangi prefers to go by her rap name, M.I.A.

Mars joins brother Seven and sister Puma in Erykah Badu’s clan. Mars is kind of cool, but the baby is a girl. Since her daddy is Jay Electronica, is she Mars Electronica or Mars Badu or Mars Badu-Electronica? That must make for an interesting birth certificate.

Now for celebrities trying to prove they’re imaginative by saddling their children with silly names:

Java Kumala, daughter of Josh Holloway of Lost. It’s kind of cute. I can’t wait for Starbucks to name a coffee in her honor.

Huckleberry, son of Bear Grylls of Man vs.Wild. With a dad named Bear, what did you expect? At least they used a boy’s name. Maybe Bear is a fan of Mark Twain. I’m glad he didn’t pick something from Dr. Seuss. Grinch Grylls would have been a little much.

Banjo Patrick, 5, might be a little jealous of his new little sister. His parents, Rachel Griffiths and Andrew Taylor, named her Clementine Grace. Lucky girl!

Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha, daughter of Lilakoi Moon, a.k.a Lisa Bonet. Perhaps Mommy is using an incantation in which the more letters she uses, the better her chances of conjuring up a career.

I’ve saved the best for last. As we all know, Matthew McConaughey is a celebrity, seemingly blessed with more looks than brains. One thing is certain: he’s lucky his mother wasn’t on peyote when she named him as she might well have been when she named his brother Rooster. Now Rooster has continued the family tradition by naming his son Miller Lyte. You just can’t make this stuff up.

Start the therapy fund now, folks.

P.S. Wow! I can’t believe I almost forgot to include Adolf Hitler Campbell, 3, son of New Jersey native and Holocaust denier Heath Campbell. Adolf’s younger siblings are JoyceLynn Aryan Nation, 2, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie, 1, named for Heinrich Himmler.

His parents complain that the local Shop Rite refused to make a birthday cake with “Adolf Hitler” on it. According to a local news article:

The grocer offered to make a cake with enough room for the Campbells to write their own inscription. But the Campbells refused, saying they would have a cake made at the Wal-Mart in Lower Nazareth Township. The Campbells say Wal-Mart made cakes for Adolf’s first two birthdays.

Wal-Mart may have saved the little tyke’s birthday but methinks I spy trouble ahead. Of course, they could always home school the kids. Yeah, that would solve the problem.

More stupid baby names:
Still More Stupid Baby Names
The Mother Lode of Stupid Baby Names
The Stupid Baby Name Generator or Zuma Nesta Rock Paper Scissors: Home Edition

The Stupid Baby Name Generator or Zuma Nesta Rock Paper Scissors: Home Edition

August 25, 2008

Remember back in 1987, when everybody gave Woody Allen crap for naming his kid Satchel? What a difference a couple of decades make. In homage to the latest Hollywood couple upping the ante of sadistic baby names, I have come up with a very unscientific method of naming your next living, breathing fashion accessory.

(By the way, Woody’s son was named after Satchel Paige, the legendary ballplayer. He legally changed his name to Ronan Seamus Farrow, and I’m not going to make fun of that because he seems like a great guy from his bio on Wikipedia.)

#1. Pick a place where you had a moment of clarity that put your whole life in perspective.

According to US Weekly‘s baby name expert, Pamela Redmond Satran, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale named their son after a beach in California where Rossdale had a life-altering epiphany.

“He was standing on Zuma Beach in the early morning after working all night as a production assistant on a music video and was quoted as saying he realized he was wasting his time,” Satran says. “He drove up the coast, slept in his car, and started making the moves that would launch his career.”

It’s a good thing for little Zuma that his daddy didn’t figure this out while he was on the john—or maybe he would’ve just named him John, which would’ve been okay. Or Stool. Yup, still better than Zuma.

#2. Choose your favorite famous person.

Nesta was supposedly Bob Marley‘s name before it was changed to Robert by some immigration jackboot who really did us all a favor since Nesta would’ve been harder to read on a blacklight poster and might have provoked subliminal cravings for chocolate syrup or tea in a can.

Of course, it would be most cool to use a name that symbolizes your fight against the Man. For our purposes, let’s include anyone who has used a different name at some point. Do you prefer Cherilyn Sarkisian LaPiere to Cher or Arnold George to Engelbert?

Naming your kid should be fun. I can’t think of anything less fun than spending as much time as I just did to find out that Humperdinck was the real name of a 19th-century composer who adapted Hansel and Gretel for opera. Please, don’t waste your time. Make it up; no one’s looking. One love, indeed.

#3. Name your profession or favorite purported homosexual.

The name Rock “needs no explanation,” given that the baby’s parents are rock stars, Satran says, and the fact that we’re “long overdue for Rock Hudson-inspired revival.”

Let’s face it, Satran is blowing sunshine up our asses with this one. She has no frigging idea what it means. If it means rock star, how could it apply to these bozos? They wouldn’t know rock if it hit them in the face. (Note to self: hit them in the face with a rock.)

If it’s an ode to Rock Hudson, then many closeted performers come to mind. Legal disclaimer: I don’t know why it brings them to mind or if they are indeed in a closet of any kind. I make no claims as to anyone’s sexual preference and no judgments thereof. After all, look at how badly these stupid breeders are screwing up!

So…… I’ve come up with a few choices:

Daytona Cougar Receptionist

Produce Aisle Cassius Mario Lopez

Crack Den Geddy Salad Bar Manager

Did this help you come up with a baby name? Please do share it with me. (Cher/share pun, ha ha, oh no, need more meds). And while you’re at it, I have another question for you all: who the hell is Gavin Rossdale?