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Lonely on Valentine’s Day? There’s an App for That
It’s Valentine’s Day again, when lonely souls feel contractually obligated to search for a good time. They need look no further than their smartphones with the OhMiBod app, available since 2012 on iTunes and now, fittingly, on Google Play. This breakthrough for the hands-free onanist allows one to operate one’s vibrator remotely. Designed for touch […]
Thoreau, Volume 2: Still Sh*tty After All These Years
I had a pretty good idea when I penned Henry David Thoreau: Beloved Bullshit Artist in 2017 for Worldwide Weird Holidays that few would care. But those who did take notice also took umbrage. Some were angry I’d devalued their Thoreau memes, as if such a thing were possible. Another felt I’d insulted the grandchildren […]
My Busy Life
File this one under You Waited Over a Whole Year to Blog and You Did THIS? As a self-involved person—and, really, we all are unless we’re in a dissociative state—I thought, wow, my life is so interesting! Why don’t I share a window into my diseased psyche to show you all the muy importante things […]
Weiner Watch 2018: Your Dad’s Not So Bad
There are all sorts of reasons Father’s Day can suck, most having to do with some combination of unrealized expectations, righteous ingratitude, and too much (or too little) alcohol. But it could be worse: your dad could be Anthony Weiner. Imagine, if you will, that on July 31, 2015, your daddy is babysitting you while your […]
One More Stupid Baby Name
Would the world keep turning without the addition of one more stupid baby name? Thanks to Pete Wentz, we can put off finding out for one more day. He and girlfriend Meagan Camper have named their newborn Marvel Jane Wentz. Was Intellectual Property Infringement already taken? She joins big brother Saint Lazslo and half-brother Bronx Mowgli, who […]
6 Things You Should Never Tell a Cancer Patient
Five years ago, on June 1, 2012, I found out that, like one in eight women in America, I had breast cancer. Within a two-week period, one of our cats died, my husband lost his job, his aunt passed away and, while he was in Illinois attending her funeral, I got the news by phone. […]
I’m Radioactive – Laughing at Cancer
June 31, 2012: On Friday, I had a radioactive seed implanted to mark the exact site of my cancerous breast tumor. The isotope is Iodine 125 with a strength of .13 millicuries. Though Marie Curie was a pioneer in radiation research, she died as a result of long-term exposure. It’s silly, I know, but the use […]