Vagina Repo Gwyneth Edition

Vagina Repo: Gwyneth Edition

The real golden ticket here is the Mugworth V-Steam; You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.

 Gwyneth Paltrow,

Gwyneth dear, clearly you never got the owner’s manual. How else to explain your ignorance of something that is only a couple feet from your face at all times? Though I’m sure you are so flexible from your spiritual yoga practice that you’re one plow pose away from direct nose-to-labia confrontation, I feel that you need a visual aid. To wit:

Have one of your servants fetch a hand mirror and position it so that you can see your pudendum in all its undoubtedly depilated glory. Note the geography. (Remember, it’s that class you took while perfecting your Blue Steel facial pose.) If you can see your uterus from here, then you won’t need a doula to massage your perineum with sacred oils during childbirth. You can just shoot them out like they’re on a waterslide at Six Flags.

In fact, short of borrowing a pressure washer from your local car wash, steam will most assuredly not reach your uterus. (Note: Steam Douche: excellent band name.) The mini-throne is essentially a chair with a hole in it through which the spa taps your Iron Man residuals. As for the “energetic release,” it’s possible…if your vagina is pulling a very tiny train.

I do have to thank you for the information on how steam affects hormone levels. It explains that weird day at the gym when I spent too much time in the sauna and turned into a man.

More like this:
Pimp Your Vajajay for Valentine’s Day!
4 New Products to Try on Valentine’s Day
Crazy Beauty Treatments for Valentine’s Day

Copyright Magick Sandwich


Elton John, Wedding Whore, Sings at Rush Limbaugh’s Wedding

Seriously, are you shitting me? Elton John sang at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding this past weekend? Could this be the seventh sign of the apocalypse?

I wrote about Sir John almost exactly one year ago in my post, Elton John, Funeral Whore, to Sing at Michael Jackson’s Service. Even I thought I was being a little harsh. I should never have doubted myself. Once a beloved musician, John has become little more than a bloated gay mascot. Is his ubiquity at celebrity weddings and funerals a last grasp at relevance? Or just a dash for cash?

Rush Limbaugh, bloated Republican mascot, is a staunch critic of homosexuality. He’s no fan of California’s music industry, judging from this quip: “The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.” Of course, that wouldn’t apply to Elton John, who’s from across the pond. But this statement might:  “When a gay person turns his back on you, it is anything but an insult; it’s an invitation.”

Hmm, what would Freud have said about that? Does Rush secretly long to be a rump rustler? It certainly seems like he’s threatened by the temptation of a male tush. I can’t imagine any man (or woman, for that matter) being attracted to Limbaugh, puffed up like a beached whale baking in the sun and emitting the foul stench of decay.

Rush Limbaugh DR sex tourist

Let’s leave such speculation to the experts for now. Rush, gay hater, paid Elton, gay star, one million dollars to sing at his wedding. Since Elton is worth close to quarter of a billion dollars, I assume he will donate the money to an AIDS charity. He has contributed millions to AIDS-related causes. Unfortunately, that does not keep Sir John from being a big, sloppy media whore.

Elton John sings at Limbaugh wedding

Then again, I would hope he’d cover Rush Limbaugh’s funeral for free. I’m just not sure what he’ll substitute for Candle in the Wind. That seems to be his go-to tune. He’s tweaked it for everyone from Princess Di to Michael Jackson.

It seems to me
that you lived your life
like a cancer in the wind…

It has a certain ring to it, don’t you think? What would you have him sing?
More Limbaugh:
Copyright Magick Sandwich


Rush Limbaugh Douche of the Week

Rush Limbaugh – Douche of the Week

Rush Limbaugh Douche of the Week
It’s easy to say that we should stop paying attention to Rush Limbaugh, that by repeating his hateful speech, we are keeping him on the national stage. If you believe that, then I’ve got news for you. A lot of people listen to him and he’s not going away. His rhetoric needs to be dragged into the light and exposed as the stinking garbage it is. Here are a few smelly bits from his radio show:

Regarding Kanye West’s rude behavior toward Taylor Swift at the VMAs, Limbaugh said Obama was “probably just jealous” of Kanye’s communication skills when Obama called him a “jackass.”

Responding to police claims that an attack on a white student by black students on a bus was not racially motivated, Limbaugh said:

I think the guy’s wrong. I think not only it was racism, it was justifiable racism. I mean, that’s the lesson we’re being taught here today. Kid shouldn’t have been on the bus anyway. We need segregated buses — it was invading space and stuff. This is Obama’s America.

He also talked about how happy he is that “Obama’s failing,” that it’s what he’s wanted all along. He joked that on Monday Night football, whenever Tom Brady said “hut” it made him think of Obama’s family in Kenya, and speculated that Obama doesn’t help his family there because his “half-white side” is racist. Then he dropped this piece of philosophical excrement:

If homosexuality being inborn is what makes it acceptable, why does racism being inborn not make racism acceptable? I’m sorry — I mean, this is the way my mind works. But apparently now we don’t choose racism, we just are racists. We are born that way. We don’t choose it. So shouldn’t it be acceptable, excuse — this is according to the way the left thinks about things.

Why does anyone listen to this asshole? Apparently, this is what passes for revolutionary, patriotic thought in his fans’ minds. This would be laughable if people didn’t hang on the buffoon’s every ignorant word. It’s the Gospel of Saint Hate.

We’ve had a lot of celebrities die this year. Rush’s ample adipose tissue must hold a pharmacy’s worth of Oxycontin but the guy just won’t overdose. If only he would learn the pleasures of autoerotic asphyxiation without the safety measures. It would take an awfully strong closet rod to hold him up. Start researching fine hotels and I’ll get the belt.

More about Rush:
Listening to Limbaugh
Stop Picking on Rush Limbaugh!

Copyright Magick Sandwich

crybaby stupid baby names

Stupid Baby Names Part Duh

crybaby stupid baby namesAt Magick Sandwich, we’ve been amassing new baby names since our stupid baby name generator featuring Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale posted a year ago.

First up is Bronx Mowgli Wentz, son of soon-to-be split Fall Out Boy Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. (How do I know they’ll divorce? I’m psychic.)

As Us Weekly reported at the time,

Don’t look for any deep reason the Texas-born Simpson-Wentz and her Illinois-bred husband opted to give son Bronx the same name as an NYC borough. “I think they just thought it was a strong name,” a source tells Us. “I doubt they’ve been to the Bronx.”

Their choice of Mowgli for the baby’s middle name? It shows “they’re huge Disney fans.”

So here’s the formula:

#1. Pick a borough of New York City. No cheating from the bridge and tunnel crowd—you know who you are.

#2. Pick your favorite children’s story character. To make it a little more interesting, it can also be a character from an animated film, a Broadway play, or the name of a company that feasts on parents’ wallets by marketing action figures and toy tie-ins. (But please, no Ewoks or Happy Meals. You need to give your child a fighting chance to live to adulthood.)

Here are a few of mine:

Staten Island Pixar
Brooklyn Paddington Bear
Manhattan Shrek

I actually like those. It almost makes me want to have children. Almost.

Speaking of which, there are already many tots in the world struggling under stupid monikers. Since we have a lot of catching up to do and many of these incredibly stupid baby names conform to no formula, I will have to list them and let them inspire you to come up with your own freestyle concoctions.

In the “I’m with the band” category:

Bandit Lee Way, son of Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance. I’m guessing Dad is a Burt Reynolds fan.

Ikhyd Bronfman, son of Mathangi Maya Arulpragasam and Benjamin Bronfman. No wonder Mathangi prefers to go by her rap name, M.I.A.

Mars joins brother Seven and sister Puma in Erykah Badu’s clan. Mars is kind of cool, but the baby is a girl. Since her daddy is Jay Electronica, is she Mars Electronica or Mars Badu or Mars Badu-Electronica? That must make for an interesting birth certificate.

Now for celebrities trying to prove they’re imaginative by saddling their children with silly names:

Java Kumala, daughter of Josh Holloway of Lost. It’s kind of cute. I can’t wait for Starbucks to name a coffee in her honor.

Huckleberry, son of Bear Grylls of Man vs.Wild. With a dad named Bear, what did you expect? At least they used a boy’s name. Maybe Bear is a fan of Mark Twain. I’m glad he didn’t pick something from Dr. Seuss. Grinch Grylls would have been a little much.

Banjo Patrick, 5, might be a little jealous of his new little sister. His parents, Rachel Griffiths and Andrew Taylor, named her Clementine Grace. Lucky girl!

Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha, daughter of Lilakoi Moon, a.k.a Lisa Bonet. Perhaps Mommy is using an incantation in which the more letters she uses, the better her chances of conjuring up a career.

I’ve saved the best for last. As we all know, Matthew McConaughey is a celebrity, seemingly blessed with more looks than brains. One thing is certain: he’s lucky his mother wasn’t on peyote when she named him as she might well have been when she named his brother Rooster. Now Rooster has continued the family tradition by naming his son Miller Lyte. You just can’t make this stuff up.

Start the therapy fund now, folks.

P.S. Wow! I can’t believe I almost forgot to include Adolf Hitler Campbell, 3, son of New Jersey native and Holocaust denier Heath Campbell. Adolf’s younger siblings are JoyceLynn Aryan Nation, 2, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie, 1, named for Heinrich Himmler.

His parents complain that the local Shop Rite refused to make a birthday cake with “Adolf Hitler” on it. According to a local news article:

The grocer offered to make a cake with enough room for the Campbells to write their own inscription. But the Campbells refused, saying they would have a cake made at the Wal-Mart in Lower Nazareth Township. The Campbells say Wal-Mart made cakes for Adolf’s first two birthdays.

Wal-Mart may have saved the little tyke’s birthday but methinks I spy trouble ahead. Of course, they could always home school the kids. Yeah, that would solve the problem.

More stupid baby names:
Still More Stupid Baby Names
The Mother Lode of Stupid Baby Names
The Stupid Baby Name Generator or Zuma Nesta Rock Paper Scissors: Home Edition
Copyright Magick Sandwich

Magick Sandwich

Man in the Mirror

Isn’t it odd that the only thing Michael Jackson did for race relations was to try to change himself from one to the other?

Related posts:
Where Were You?
Elton John, Funeral Whore, To Sing at Michael Jackson’s Service

Magick Sandwich

Where Were You?

Hello, world!

So everyone will know where I am during Michael Jackson’s memorial service, which I’m sure is very important to you all, I am blogging to you from my Blackberry while taking a dump…at Michael Jackson’s memorial service. Well, outside it. They’ve got golden Port-O-Sans out here. It’s pretty plush.

There is so much sadness here. I see it on the faces of parents who must now go back to playing the lottery. Some lobbed their young boys at the passing funeral cortege in a last desperate attempt at pimpdom. I see it also on the faces of the children, who will never know the joy of shaking hands with MJ’s mottled Mr. Happy.

Such a sad day.

Copyright Magick Sandwich

Fart Filter Product of the Week Magick Sandwich

Fart Filter: Product of the Week

Do you wake up with a wreath of methane hanging around your head from your significant other’s flatus following a Taco Bell bender the night before?

Are you oxygen-deprived by the fart machine who works in the next cubicle?

Do you enjoy emitting the foul, gaseous issue of your rectum in public but rue the accusing stares in the elevator?

Well, thank your lucky stars that there is a product for the sphincter control challenged: it’s the Flat-D.

The Flatulence Deodorizer is actually a discreet charcoal filter that you secure to your underwear before going out on the town for a night of unbridled passing. You can view the how-to video here.

Imagine the joy of blowing a broccoli fart while being reprimanded by your boss. It’ll lower the psi in your colon and he’ll never know what triggered his migraine.

There is one caveat for the guys: this male maxi-pad will not work in boxer shorts, which do not cling tightly enough to your exhaust portal for the fart filter to be effective. So switch to tighty whiteys or face the grim task of actually holding it in.

The company makes a charcoal chair pad, but you’ll need to practice getting your farts to blow straight down into it. An errant squeaker squirting up twixt the ass cheeks can be hard to disown.

Luckily, Flat-D Innovations hasn’t forgotten the ladies. If you prefer to outgas in sexy underwear, the Thong-D is for you!

And best of all, it’s 100% guaranteed. Believe it or not, if you are unsatisfied, you can return the nasty thing with your farts locked inside for a full refund.

But please be kind and seal it well before mailing; you don’t want to knock out the UPS guy who inadvertently gives it a squeeze and releases its stench like smelly minions from Satan’s couch cushion.

Related product:
Scrotal Deodorant Wash: Product of the Week

Copyright Notice 2018 Magick Sandwich