Posts

boyfriend pillow 3 great gifts for lonely friends

3 Great Gifts for Lonely Friends

Shopping for friends who can’t seem to function outside of a relationship? Afraid you’re going to be drafted to fill in the gaping hole in their lives? Expend minimal effort to ensure they don’t come crying to you with Magick Sandwich’s 3 great gifts for lonely friends.

The Boyfriend Pillow

boyfriend pillow 3 great gifts for lonely friends

Shield your friend from that empty bed with the Boyfriend Pillow, available here. It will absorb her tears as she cries, “I have never felt so alone.” And it’s wearing a nice button-down shirt so she can also dream that it has a job.

The Bug Vacuum

bug vacuum 3 great gifts for Lonely Friends

This insect vacuum will come in handy because, let’s face it: all her screaming won’t conjure a boyfriend to kill it for her. Hammacher Schlemmer boasts that its version “vacuumed up 24 live crickets in only 15 seconds.” (Did we need to know they were alive at the time?) If your friend needs to vacuum up 24 bugs every 15 seconds, it may be time to fix her up with a local exterminator. It would be a match made in cricket heaven.

Paparazzi for Hire

paparazzi for hire 3 great gifts for lonely friends

Make her fantasies come true by renting a horde of stalkerazzi at Famous for a Day. She’ll be amazed as she’s swarmed by autograph seekers at the laundromat. And when photographers jockey for the best angle, her table for one at MooShu Palace will feel like the best place in town!

Another helpful post:
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends

Copyright Magick Sandwich

i wish i were dead mug

Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!

Hey, everybody! Have you been struggling with what to get for those desperately unhappy people in your life? Why wait for an official holiday? (After all, they could be dead by then.) Sad, lonely people are grateful for the smallest gesture and may even feel a flicker of hope before their inexorable fall back into the bottomless pit of despair. Kudos to you, gift-giver!i wish i were dead mugThe “I Wish I Were Dead” mug from theonion.com makes a lovely gift for a disillusioned co-worker. And it’s grammatically correct, so it’s also a great gift for your insufferable ex-English major friends who’ll probably live to a ripe old age because they can’t finish editing their suicide notes.

Give Up poster kitten

What about a gift for that friend who is teetering on the edge, who hasn’t fully submitted to dejection? The folks at despair.com can help. They have a whole range of products that drive home the laughable futility of hope.

apathy wristband

Finally, here’s an honest fashion statement from our pal Archie McPhee. Every time your loved one looks at his pristine wrist, he will be reminded of your generosity and his true outlook on life. Hopefully, he will at least take off that yellow One-Balled Bicyclist band for good! Just make sure it’s taken off before cremation—burning rubber is bad for the environment! Have a great day!

Related Posts:
Best Suicide Note Ever!
Bill O’Reilly Cures Depression

Copyright Magick Sandwich

Magick Sandwich

Twitter Tragedy: A Cry for Help Unheard

Cleveland, OH — The body of a young woman who will perhaps forever be known simply as sadgirl1188 was found early Tuesday morning in her apartment, dead of an apparent suicide. Was she a victim of the phenomenon of social networking?

Suzie Gernsall, who spoke on condition of complete lack of anonymity, said she had learned of her friend’s demise through a mutual acquaintance. “She Twittered ‘killing myself’ and a little later,’dying’. But, honestly, I wasn’t following her anymore. She’d turned into a real bummer. She stopped Stumbling stuff, her MySpace bulletins were out-of-date and her Facebook page went on and on about some girl named Sylvia Plath, who isn’t even in our network—I checked. After that, I deleted her and told everybody else to, too. But she never knew. It’s nice that you can do it like that now, so you don’t hurt anybody’s feelings.”

The local pizza delivery person was shocked and saddened by the news. “She always ordered online because she didn’t like to talk,” he recalled. “I noticed it was taking her longer and longer to answer the door lately. Also, she was tipping a lot better.”

Her brother, who lives in a nearby gated community, was devastated. “I hadn’t seen her in a while but she’d installed a GPS tracker in her cellphone, so I always felt like I could keep an eye on her. She started wearing those adult diapers after we all heard about that crazy astronaut lady. She said it was just in case she got too depressed to get up from the couch when she had to go. But she seemed really into her new marketing blog, so I thought she was okay.”

Although she had left out extra food and water and had died only hours earlier, the victim had been substantially gnawed on the areas of her body not covered by her filthy bathrobe. Police, shaken by the gruesome discovery, alerted Animal Control personnel, who removed her two cats, Dieter and Scooby, from the premises.

Within hours, images of their adorable bloodied maws began circulating the Internet with a petition to “Save the kitties. Send this to 7 people within the next 10 minutes and you won’t believe what comes up on your screen. I don’t know how, but this really works!!!” PETA is rumored to be mounting a vigorous defense of the felines, citing, among other things, “the irresistible succulence of human soft parts.”

A search of the dead woman’s email revealed thousands of unanswered Digg shouts and several “Is it time to reorder?” queries from Vitamin Shoppe.

A source inside Twitter remarked that the site sometimes goes down for maintenance, causing a member’s lifestream to be briefly interrupted without warning. An upgraded suicide filter is said to be in the offing.

A neighbor of the dead young woman waxed philosophical when informed of the loss. “I don’t know if you could call it a tragedy, really. I mean, the girl didn’t really have any friends.”

Copyright Magick Sandwich

Magick Sandwich

Bill O’Reilly Cures Depression

Yes, dear imaginary reader, I’ve been feeling Too Bummed to Blog, which should be listed in the DSM-IV. (If you don’t know what the DSM-IV is, wiki it, okay? I don’t have the will to explain.)

This is one of those times when subscribing to updates from Funny or Die pays off. Part of the allure must be its name, which appeals to both ends of my psychic teeter-totter. Checking email requires a vanishingly small amount of volition; clicking a hyperlink burns less than a mental calorie. Even I can handle that.

The site’s recording of an actual call to Des Moines Police Dispatch by an officer being hit with an M&M is priceless. (Update: While the audio is no longer available, you can still find the news story here. I wonder if the college student arrested for the assault has had trouble finding employment because of his criminal record.  As I write this nine years later, I realize how unfunny that run-in would be today.)

That leads me to the video of a  Bill O’Reilly meltdown, which is pure audiovisual Prozac.  I guarantee it will warm your cockles, wherever they may anatomically be. By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask you: when are you going to get around to washing those? They’re starting to reek.

In fact, if you suffer from a mood disorder of any kind, I highly recommend signing up for Funny or Die’s newsletter. Of course, the Will Ferrell “Landlord” video is deservedly the site’s most famous offering. But even the lame bits beat any spam from Nigeria or one of your buddy’s latest computer virus warnings. (“Somebody checked it out on snopes.com, so it must be true!”)

N.B. If you’re still feeling down, maybe Bill’s rant wasn’t enough for you. In this case, I would prescribe Top Ten Angry On-Camera Meltdowns, stat. If you’re still depressed, call 911. I’m not a miracle worker.

Related posts:

Best Suicide Note Ever!
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!

Copyright Magick Sandwich

Magick Sandwich

Best Suicide Note Ever!

Proper execution (pun intended) is crucial for the note’s irony to be appreciated, considering the decedent’s inability to explain.

Typewritten, in a sealed envelope found in a pocket, are the words, “I was cleaning my gun when it accidentally went off.”

 

Copyright Magick Sandwich