environment Archives - Magick Sandwich

At almost every supermarket checkout counter, there are signs saying, “Go Green. Skip the Plastic.” If plastic bags are so bad, shouldn’t we give this advice to dog owners as well? I’m only saying this because I would love to take a walk and see people bent over, fingers spread like a catcher’s mitt, waiting to collect the steaming pile dropping from their pooch’s ass. That would be very entertaining for me.

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Years ago, I accompanied my husband to the New York Auto Show. Manufacturers pay people to lurk around taking notes about visitors’ reactions. They’re not presenters; they’re supposed to blend in. Sometimes you can tell who they are as I did when waxing rhapsodic about a Supercharger prototype that never made it into production. The poor guy was madly scribbling, trying to keep up.

So when we got to the Mercedes exhibit, I started asking, very loudly, “Where’s Hitler’s staff car?” I aimed the question at no one in particular. I saw no presenter. I repeated myself several times, hoping to flush out the secret representative. Eventually, my husband hustled me away and ended my impromptu demonstration of support for Holocaust survivors and, by extension, all Jews, many of whom drive Mercedes.

I’ve been telling this story ever since. It’s short, sweet and totally true. But some morons at this year’s show decided to heckle a Chrysler spokesmodel as if she ran the company. So now I have to give a whole backstory to show that I wasn’t harassing anyone. Thanks to those assholes, my story will never be funny again.

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Wanda Sykes caught some flak for wishing Rush Limbaugh’s kidneys would fail. She was speaking at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner at the time, and the context of the joke was her reaction to Limbaugh’s wish for Obama to fail. She also said Rush might have been one of the hijackers on 9/11 but was so messed up on Oxycontin that he missed his flight. Plus she shares how she’d torture Sean Hannity. It’s pretty sweet. Watch it here. It’s over fifteen minutes long and well worth your time.

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Why use Wynonna Judd in an ad for Alli, a weight loss drug? Is it so fat people won’t feel pressured to actually lose weight? This is ingenious advertising that says, “We’re not even trying to kid you that you’ll ever be able to stop shopping in Dress Barn.” It persuades people to buy a drug while lowering their expectation of eventual success.
P.S. Alli makes you shit your pants. Now you know what Wynonna Judd is probably doing right now.

Between the fear and the hope, 2009 is shaping up to be a bumpy ride. I might be a newborn foal taking my first wobbly steps or I could be Old Yeller wagging my tail at the man with the gun. Too soon to tell. Either way, I’ve got some questions.

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Why does George Michael continue to use public bathrooms? How many times does he need to get busted before he’ll learn to put a bedpan in his limo? At least he only got caught with crack and pot this time. Maybe the glory hole was closed for the night.

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Has a friend ever come back from a trip to Europe and told you the public toilets there are great: they’re really clean? Define clean. Did you ever have someone barf into a helmet and then put it on? I trust the answer is no but I think you catch my drift. Those places would look like a CSI murder scene under a blacklight. Or like a bedspread at the Holiday Inn.

I used a public bathroom in Paris once. Supposedly it locked and cleaned itself between every use. So I thought, what if a bum got stuck in there? Would he drown?

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Why don’t environmentalists ever tell people they should stop having pets? What’s worse for the planet: dog shit or dog shit in a baggy, preserved in a landfill until the end of time? People run around bagging up crap behind Fido, but do you think they’d do that for you? They’d put you in a frigging home.

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Where do creationists think oil comes from? It’s fossil fuel. But if the earth is only 6,000 years old and scientists faked the fossil record, where does the oil come from? If dinosaurs walked the earth with humans, which must be true because Sarah Palin believes it, those fossils turn to oil fast. That’s good news because the hamster you buried in your backyard is fuel by now. If we just stop cremation and putting our dead in boxes, we’ll soon be right as rain. Apply some pressure and pretty soon Grandma’s corpse will be bubbling up some crude.

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Does anyone actually think that paint-on abs look good? If I have a huge belly, the last thing I want to do is draw a big diagram on it. The only place I want to see paint on a guy’s belly is at an NFL game. And that’s just so I can make fun of him. For God’s sake, people! Even Stevie Wonder has a sense of touch: do you think he doesn’t know what fat feels like?

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Why aren’t there any winos anymore? Where have they gone?

Tag Archive for: environment

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