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Magick Sandwich

Great Gifts for Alcoholics!

Looking for a great gift for the alcoholic in your life? It can be hard to find something new for that special someone who’s tasted everything from Purell to paint thinner. Take things up a notch with Magick Sandwich’s guide to tasty vodkas. They’re the classiest Christmas gifts yet to come with a screw top.

salmon vodkaChances are, you know someone who’s forsaken food in favor of booze. Now, he can have both. We’ve discussed the joys of bacon vodka here, so let us now extol the virtues of Alaska Distillery’s Smoked Salmon vodka. It’s a little taste of the Pacific Northwest with what’s sure to be an even more distinctive flavor on the way back up.

Smirnoff Espresso vodka is eye-opener, hair-of-the-dog and morning joe all rolled into one. Brought to you by the master of liver killing libations, Smirnoff shows mercy by disguising its usual vodka tang. The same could be accomplished with Starbucks’ coffee grounds salvaged from a Dumpster. But that would be harder to wrap.

7-Eleven wineIs your buddy bloated from too much 7- Eleven wine? With its dietetic fruit flavor and implied protection from scurvy, Belvedere Pink Grapefruit vodka is an excellent choice. It shows you care about his bleeding gums but not enough to let him into your house.

For those with a sweet tooth—though not necessarily an actual tooth—we recommend Cupcake vodka, in flavors like Devil’s Food and Frosting. Pinnacle Cotton Candy vodka, conjuring images of the county fair midway, is a yummy choice, too, unless it reminds him of the time he got turned down for a job as a carny because he was too dirty.

medea vodkaYour best choice of all may be Medea vodka. Though it boasts no interesting flavor, its bottle has a scrolling LED display on which you can program your most heartfelt message, such as, “We really think you should get some help.” No intervention necessary!

We hope this helps with your last-minute holiday shopping. Bottoms up!

More gifts:
Last-Minute Gifts – Wine Warning

Copyright Magick Sandwich

 

angry grape magick sandwich

Last Minute Gifts – Wine Warning

Over here at Magick Sandwich, we’ve finished our Christmas shopping. Since we never stop spending on ourselves, the holidays are just a convenient cover story. Much like an alcoholic who rationalizes drinking on special occasions, for a shopper every day is a special occasion.

Speaking of addiction and Christmas, you might be thinking of giving the last-minute gift of a bottle of vino. After all, Jesus, guest of honor, turned water into wine. Since you can’t, you’ll need a credit card and a little help from FedEx.

With only four days till Christmas, you need to make haste. But take a moment to learn about the art of wine shipping. Did you know there are certain states that do not allow it? Montana, South Dakota, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania are a few.

angry grape magick sandwich

The grape of wrath?

The “dry state” of Utah I can understand, although I’ve known quite a few Mormon drunkards, believe you me. But New Jersey? Why would it deny its citizens a bit of relief? Luckily, you can help fight this injustice at freethegrapes.org, a national grass roots coalition of wine lovers, wineries and retailers fighting the powerful wine wholesalers’ lobby. Those bastards!

Don’t get sidetracked by this cause, worthy though it may be. For now, you need to concentrate on your wino friends who live in one of the 39 states protected by direct shipping legislation. There are many distributors online, some of whom will package bottles nicely so as to remind your recipient of its heart-healthy benefits while de-emphasizing its cirrhotic effects on the liver.

When choosing your gift, don’t forget to read the fine print. I was perusing wine.woot.com this morning and saw a 2 pack of 2003 Keller Estate Sparkling Brut. How can you go wrong with a 2 pack? So classy and only $49.99. But then I saw this:wine warning magick sandwich

What?  Am I supposed to call Glenn and tell him to stay sober all day so he can sign for the package? His inability to do so only proves that this is the perfect gift for him! What if Nancy’s been huffing paint? Will the FedEx guy be able to tell the difference between high and drunk? What qualifies him to judge? This is human-rights abuse, pure and simple.

Looks like it’s going to be another year of clean piss in Christmas mugs for my parolee friends and festively wrapped syringes for the junkies. Maybe you’re thinking I should get a better class of friends but it isn’t easy to find people happy to get cheap wine. When everything you drink has a screw top, you appreciate a good cork now and then.

More gift ideas:
Great Holiday Gifts: Bacon Edition
Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!

Copyright Magick Sandwich