To Reconstitute Man?
I can’t figure out Reader’s Digest Condensed Books. When I add water, they just turn into a soupy mess.
I would think they would’ve improved the technology by now.
Tag Archive for: humor
7 Signs I’m Getting Old
1. I’m not sure if I’m middle-aged because I don’t know when I’m going to die. But with every birthday, the conceit gets closer to science fiction.
2. Two years ago, my husband and I went to an Ozzy Osbourne concert at Madison Square Garden. We were deaf for three days afterward and decided (à la Danny Glover) that we were “getting too old for this shit.”
Next week, we’re going to Radio City Music Hall to hear Karl Rove debate James Carville. I am so stoked. If Carville says my favorite line, “I wouldn’t piss down his throat if his heart were on fire,” I’m going to throw my bra onstage.
3. We’re big boxing fans. We saw the first Mickey Ward v. Arturo Gatti fight from the third row. We could smell the blood. I used to box with a personal trainer for fun. Now I get tired out after three rounds of boxing on the Nintendo Wii. I can taste the blood.
4. I consider a good bowel movement a major accomplishment. Not because I’m constipated, just because it’s creative.
5. If I ever lose my mind, I want to make sure I’m still patriotic. So my Living Will stipulates that my caregivers dress me in the following shirt.
6. When I die, I want to be buried in Florida. I’ll finally own real estate that even Disney can’t build on. That’s power.
7. I want my tombstone to say this:
Then again, maybe I’d rather it say something simple, like this:
I can’t decide, you see. I’m getting old.
By the numbers:
7 Good Band Names
9 Ways to Prevent Your Own Valentine’s Day Massacre
Sandwich Fixins #5
At almost every supermarket checkout counter, there are signs saying, “Go Green. Skip the Plastic.” If plastic bags are so bad, shouldn’t we give this advice to dog owners as well? I’m only saying this because I would love to take a walk and see people bent over, fingers spread like a catcher’s mitt, waiting to collect the steaming pile dropping from their pooch’s ass. That would be very entertaining for me.
*****
Years ago, I accompanied my husband to the New York Auto Show. Manufacturers pay people to lurk around taking notes about visitors’ reactions. They’re not presenters; they’re supposed to blend in. Sometimes you can tell who they are as I did when waxing rhapsodic about a Supercharger prototype that never made it into production. The poor guy was madly scribbling, trying to keep up.
So when we got to the Mercedes exhibit, I started asking, very loudly, “Where’s Hitler’s staff car?” I aimed the question at no one in particular. I saw no presenter. I repeated myself several times, hoping to flush out the secret representative. Eventually, my husband hustled me away and ended my impromptu demonstration of support for Holocaust survivors and, by extension, all Jews, many of whom drive Mercedes.
I’ve been telling this story ever since. It’s short, sweet and totally true. But some morons at this year’s show decided to heckle a Chrysler spokesmodel as if she ran the company. So now I have to give a whole backstory to show that I wasn’t harassing anyone. Thanks to those assholes, my story will never be funny again.
*****
Wanda Sykes caught some flak for wishing Rush Limbaugh’s kidneys would fail. She was speaking at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner at the time, and the context of the joke was her reaction to Limbaugh’s wish for Obama to fail. She also said Rush might have been one of the hijackers on 9/11 but was so messed up on Oxycontin that he missed his flight. Plus she shares how she’d torture Sean Hannity. It’s pretty sweet. Watch it here. It’s over fifteen minutes long and well worth your time.
*****
Why use Wynonna Judd in an ad for Alli, a weight loss drug? Is it so fat people won’t feel pressured to actually lose weight? This is ingenious advertising that says, “We’re not even trying to kid you that you’ll ever be able to stop shopping in Dress Barn.” It persuades people to buy a drug while lowering their expectation of eventual success.
P.S. Alli makes you shit your pants. Now you know what Wynonna Judd is probably doing right now.
Related posts:
Sandwich Fixins #2
Sandwich Fixins #3
Sandwich Fixins #4
Scent of a Yeoman
Be a Trekkie or just smell like one with this new cologne from Genki Wear. (Arguing that the correct term is Trekker does not make you cool.)
Other scents in the series include Tiberius to help one emulate the je ne sais quois of a certain starship captain who’s popular with all manner of space booty.
For the ladies, there is Pon Farr, named for the famed estrus cycle in which Vulcans must mate or die. So apply with caution before a night on the town. But remember, Pon Farr only happens every seven years. Be careful what you wish for. And be patient.
If your girlfriend gives you Red Shirt, she may be getting ready to push you out the airlock. Its tagline reads: Because tomorrow may never come. You may be an extra in your own life. Know this, you will not become a series regular.
Whichever scent you choose, snap it up in a hurry. You haven’t much time to douse yourself, covering the musty scent of your parents’ basement, and get to the nearest theater.
Ask the Right Question
Instead of asking if Bruce Willis, at 54, is too old for his bride, 30-year-old Victoria’s Secret model Emma Heming, we should be asking this: Isn’t she too old to be a model?
Unsung Bodily Functions Part 1
I think flatulence has earned our respect. Think how far it had to travel just to remind you that you had a taco for lunch.
Just for Fun
At a champagne brunch, ask for a virgin mimosa.