Posts

Magick Sandwich

Robert Novak is Dead

Robert Novak, the right-wing “journalist” who outed Valerie Plame (with Karl Rove’s assistance) has died of brain cancer.

I hope they cut out his tumor and throw it a parade.

Magick Sandwich

Sandwich Fixins #6

Once again I find myself a few (magick?) sandwiches short of a picnic. So I offer you the condiments of my mind with another helping of Sandwich Fixins.

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When you order Domino’s online, you can post your order to Facebook. As technological solipsism reaches its zenith, can the apocalypse be far behind?

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My dream job would be to work in a think tank at Arm & Hammer, coming up with new ways to market baking soda.

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When I need to feel smart, I read a message board—any message board. The writers’ streams of consciousness read more like comatose trickles.

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How many bars of soap could be made from the rendered fat of Rush Limbaugh?

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When did “gift” become a verb? “The star was gifted the necklace after the photo shoot.” Wasn’t she given the necklace?

When did “shone” disappear? For example, “The star shined at the opening.” I don’t understand. Was she polishing something?

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I saw Karl Rove in person, so I can cross “be in the presence of evil” off my bucket list.

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If you feel that any of my jokes require a little help, add your own percussion with Instant Rimshot.

More fixins:
Sandwich Fixins #3
Sandwich Fixins #4
Sandwich Fixins #5

Copyright Magick Sandwich

7 signs I'm getting old tombstone worms

7 Signs I’m Getting Old

1. I’m not sure if I’m middle-aged because I don’t know when I’m going to die. But with every birthday, the conceit gets closer to science fiction.

2. Two years ago, my husband and I went to an Ozzy Osbourne concert at Madison Square Garden. We were deaf for three days afterward and decided (à la Danny Glover) that we were “getting too old for this shit.”

Next week, we’re going to Radio City Music Hall to hear Karl Rove debate James Carville. I am so stoked. If Carville says my favorite line, “I wouldn’t piss down his throat if his heart were on fire,” I’m going to throw my bra onstage.

3. We’re big boxing fans. We saw the first Mickey Ward v. Arturo Gatti fight from the third row. We could smell the blood. I used to box with a personal trainer for fun. Now I get tired out after three rounds of boxing on the Nintendo Wii. I can taste the blood.

4. I consider a good bowel movement a major accomplishment. Not because I’m constipated, just because it’s creative.

5. If I ever lose my mind, I want to make sure I’m still patriotic. So my Living Will stipulates that my caregivers dress me in the following shirt.


6. When I die, I want to be buried in Florida. I’ll finally own real estate that even Disney can’t build on. That’s power.

7. I want my tombstone to say this:

7 signs I'm getting old tombstone no afterlife
Then again, maybe I’d rather it say something simple, like this:

7 signs I'm getting old tombstone worms
I can’t decide, you see. I’m getting old.

By the numbers:
7 Good Band Names
9 Ways to Prevent Your Own Valentine’s Day Massacre

Copyright Magick Sandwich