Tag Archive for: kathcom

Magick Sandwich Maxipad Mayhem

Laws of Selection?

Magick Sandwich Maxipad Mayhem
You’ll often find at least two women surveying this aisle, unable to find their preferred kind. It’s like a menstrual IQ test. Some use game theory, teaming up to locate each other’s style, be it thick, thin, long, winged, scented or singly wrapped.

A product this personal inspires brand loyalty, but are all these permutations necessary? Can individual requirements be that different? I hope it goes without saying that you should not send your man on this errand. That constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, without a doubt.

Copyright Magick Sandwich

Magick Sandwich

Can’t Make this Stuff Up: Death Row Edition

A death row inmate in Texas wants to donate his body to an artist who will turn it into fish food. Then people will be able to feed him to goldfish in an aquarium set up in an art gallery.

Gene Hathorn killed his own family. Marco Evaristti, the artist, once hosted a dinner party and served meatballs in sauce he made from his own liposuctioned fat.

Is it wrong that I think these guys sound pretty interesting? In fact, I’m feeling so inspired, I’m going to invite my friends over right now. I’ve got some art in my toilet I want them to see.

Prescription Eyelashes Product of the Week Magick Sandwich

Prescription Eyelashes: Product of the Week

It’s FDA-approved and has Brooke Shields as its “compensated spokesperson” so it must be a miracle product. What is it? It’s Latisse!Prescription Eyelashes Product of the Week Magick Sandwich
According to the print and TV advertising, this product is for “inadequate or not enough lashes.” It’s nice of them to want to include customers who don’t know what the word inadequate means. There’s a clinical term for this scourge: hypotrichosis. Yes, it’s a real disorder. I always felt sorry for Brooke Shields and her puny lashes; perhaps she is preparing for a trip by camel through a sandstorm and really needs a lush fringe to protect her beautiful eyes.

Speaking of eyes, here’s a snippet of the ad:

May cause eyelid skin darkening which may be reversible and there is potential for increased brown iris pigmentation which is likely permanent.

Wow, I can see why the FDA approved this while hassling Cheerios for its claims of lower cholesterol. Permanently changing the color of my eye while getting thicker lashes is definitely preferable to possibly not getting a heart benefit while eating a nourishing breakfast cereal.

If you are using prescription medications for lowering eye pressure or have a history of eye pressure problems, only use Latisse under close doctor care….If you develop or experience any eye problems or have eye surgery, consult your doctor immediately about continued use of Latisse. Common side effects include itchy eye and eye redness.

Why should I let a silly little thing like protecting my vision hold me back? Perhaps Allergan should print some advertisements in Braille for those in their desired client base who don’t have to worry about these things. I even have an idea for that group’s spokesperson: paging Stevie Wonder!

This is going to be such a hit in the Middle East. Brazen hussies will shamelessly bat their eyes and seduce the locals like a burka-clad Mae West: “Is that a banana under your dishdasha or are you just glad to see me?” I’m sure Allergan already has a marketing plan in place.

In the TV ad, Brooke looks at us winsomely under her pneumatic lashes and says, “Ask your doctor if Latisse is right for you.”

If he says yes, find yourself another doctor.

More products:
Fart Filter: Product of the Week
Straight from the Sucker Files: SNUS

air sex palin magick sandwich

Air Sex World Championship Tonight

As if Air Guitar Nation weren’t cringe-inducing enough, there’s a new way for aficionados of fraud to strut their stuff: it’s called Air Sex.

Like all great pastimes, this originated in Japan. Its founder, seen here in this seminal footage, explains that it is a competition born of necessity. Apparently, Japanese guys are not having a lot of sex and need to practice. In the audience, the Japanese women in the audience appear unimpressed by their ersatz exertions.

The first Air Sex USA Championships took place last year and, as always, we Americans kicked it up a notch. First of all, we added women. Duh! There are several videos to choose from on YouTube documenting the event and I can’t recommend any of them, mainly because I can’t bear to watch them.

Except, that is, for one featuring a horny Sarah Palin taking office after McCain’s Viagra-induced frenzy kills him. (Could this be what Glenn Beck’s fever dreams look like?) The community theater on acid vibe only makes it more difficult to look away. Oh, and it’s acted out to the tune of “War Pigs.”

So if you haven’t barfed your kibble yet and have an interest in an evening of sexual karaoke, head to the Highline Ballroom in NYC tonight for the Air Sex World Championship. Real sex and orgasms are strictly prohibited, so you won’t need a raincoat. Cheer for Team USA and try not to be weirdly turned on: it will be hell on you to explain this to your therapist.
At the intersection of mime and lap dancing lies Air Sex!

Air Sex World Championship – Magick Sandwich takes a look at sexual karaoke and it isn’t pretty.

LOSER t shirt magick sandwich

You Can Fix Stupid. It Takes a Bullet.

Someone dear to me who shall remain nameless was recently spammed at work by the resumé of a person I’ll call Mr. K. Though the spelling and grammatical errors grated and the cover letter’s promise to add value to the company rankled, it was the sheer number of emails that finally got my friend’s proverbial goat. After about fifty copies cluttered his inbox, he wrote back to Mr. K.

Dear Mr. K:

We may indeed have a position befitting your unique set of skills, positive attitude, professionalism, dedication, work ethic, ad nauseum.

Please report first thing tomorrow morning to our corporate headquarters at 69 Reade Street, New York, for an interview. We are always on the lookout for personnel of your caliber and persistence.

Everyone visiting Way Huge Software Company (Swollen Pickle Division) receives a token of our appreciation for visiting and interviewing with us.

Cordially,

I.P. Freely

The guy wrote back, “When would you like me to come in?”

No shit.

Okay, the guy could be forgiven for not knowing that 69 Reade Street was an abandoned building that had collapsed that morning. And obviously, the name of the company didn’t tip him off. He was sending that resumé out willy-nilly without noting where and to whom he’d emailed already. How do I know this?

He kept sending it. Finally, an IT guy had to block Mr. K’s emails to the entire department.

I hope he didn’t have his heart set on that t-shirt.

Copyright Magick Sandwich

bulletproof pocket square product of the week

Bulletproof Pocket Square: Product of the Week

bulletproof pocket square product of the weekThe Bullet-proof Gentlemen’s Pocket Square from Sruli Recht is the latest in 007-style sartorial elegance.

Sold as a “non-product,” the pocket square known as The Damned was originally issued in a limited edition of ten two years ago. Back by popular demand, it has been reissued as an open edition.

It is made of military grade ballistic strength fiber, “to protect the hearts of men.”

This reminds me of an old Woody Allen joke, his reversal of an even Sandwich story of a person being saved from a bullet by a Bible. In Woody’s version, he is walking down the street with a bullet in his breast pocket when someone throws a bible out a window, hitting him in the chest. “That Bible would’ve gone through my heart if it wasn’t for the bullet.” Please don’t sue me for quoting you, Mr. Allen. I’m not selling anything.

Though it is proving to be a popular item, the Pocket Square does come with a disclaimer.

* If a gun is aimed at you, fired, and the slug hits you, you will be hurt despite the properties of the square; The impact of the projectile itself is likely to fracture, crack or break your bones bones and bruise you. According to the specifications of the textile, a ballistic projectile such as a bullet will not pass through thirty two layers of this material. We take NO responsibility for those who feel compelled to test the endurance or resistance of the textile in any way.

Duly noted. My question is this: even if it could protect the average Wall Street banker from a shot to the heart, doesn’t he know we’re going to go for the head shot, anyway?

More products:
An Umbrella for Psychos
Scrotal Deodorant Wash

Scent of a Trekkie

Scent of a Yeoman

Scent of a TrekkieBe a Trekkie or just smell like one with this new cologne from Genki Wear. (Arguing that the correct term is Trekker does not make you cool.)

Other scents in the series include Tiberius to help one emulate the je ne sais quois of a certain starship captain who’s popular with all manner of space booty.

For the ladies, there is Pon Farr, named for the famed estrus cycle in which Vulcans must mate or die. So apply with caution before a night on the town. But remember, Pon Farr only happens every seven years. Be careful what you wish for. And be patient.

If your girlfriend gives you Red Shirt, she may be getting ready to push you out the airlock. Its tagline reads: Because tomorrow may never come. You may be an extra in your own life. Know this, you will not become a series regular.

Whichever scent you choose, snap it up in a hurry. You haven’t much time to douse yourself, covering the musty scent of your parents’ basement, and get to the nearest theater.