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Anthony Weiner Watch 2018

Weiner Watch 2018: Your Dad’s Not So Bad

Anthony Weiner Watch 2018

That’s the look of love.

There are all sorts of reasons Father’s Day can suck, most having to do with some combination of unrealized expectations, righteous ingratitude, and too much (or too little) alcohol. But it could be worse: your dad could be Anthony Weiner.

Imagine, if you will, that on July 31, 2015, your daddy is babysitting you while your mommy travels around the country working to get Hillary Clinton elected as leader of the free world. You toddle into the bedroom where he is lying with his smartphone held aloft and a happy-Mr.-Howdy tent in his Jockey shorts.

He loves you so much that, when you curl up next to him and go to sleep with your blankie, he snaps a heartwarming pic of you and his throbbing crotch brain and sends it to the 40-something divorcée he’s just been texting about his fond memories of a favorite massage parlor in his old neighborhood. It’s a Norman Rockwell moment. (Not the artist: the guy in the drunk tank who jizzes on your shoes and says, “You’re welcome.”)

Someone shares this lovely father-son moment with the New York Post on August 29, 2016. Your mommy doesn’t understand and leaves your daddy the same day. Since then, grownups love to see you spend time with your daddy because there’s always someone watching. They call this being a “witness.”

After the FBI finds out your daddy used your mommy’s work computer to send photos to nice ladies, it reopens its dead case against Hillary Clinton, and your daddy helps Donald Trump become president. A year later, on November 6, 2017, your daddy goes “up the river” to federal prison for sending obscene material to an underage girl.

Today is Father’s Day and you’re going to see your daddy. You’re happy, even though you were secretly hoping to get there by boat. Mommy drives; you never even see the river. She doesn’t come in with you, though. You don’t need her to be there with you. After all, you’re six whole years old now. You feel her loving support from the parking lot.

You have fun, once you get past all the security protecting your daddy. You hug and have vending machine snacks and he tells you sad stories about inmates (like Bernie Madoff’s brother Peter) who don’t get many visits from family for some reason.

Daddy tells you he’ll get out May 14, 2019. Yay! He promises he’ll be really friendly and go door-to-door and introduce himself to all of your neighbors. He says that even though he has to do it because he’s now called a “quote-unquote sex offender,” he really wants to.

Then he asks if he can borrow your phone.

More Weiner:
Weiner Watch 2011
Don’t Cry for Anthony Weiner
Anthony Weiner Waves His Wiener Once More
Copyright Notice 2018 Magick Sandwich

Dump 'n' Trump

Dump ‘n’ Trump

Dump ‘n’ Trump

Dump 'n' Trump
One ends up a worthless piece of sh*t. 
The other was born that way.
Anthony Weiner Penis poster

Anthony Weiner Waves His Wiener Once More

Back in June of 2011, I thought we had put the issue of Anthony Weiner to bed, as it were. He had finally resigned from Congress after a “sexting” scandal. Whether you call it moral turpitude or just good clean fun, Mr. Weiner, with his tailor-made-for-a-joke name, had shown an astonishing lack of judgment and paid a steep price for it.

How could anyone trust a public official who thought randy Facebook messages and Twitter pics of his own congressional member were a good idea? The photographic proof that he shaved himself bald as a toddler might not be technically illegal but I believe it constitutes an ocular assault, creating a face/testicle association that can only be overcome by never seeing either again.

After a period of denial that his political life was over (as reported in our own Weiner Watch 2011), he resigned. His beleaguered wife gave birth and he disappeared into private life, taking the memory of his pristine taint with him. And all was well until it wasn’t. Mr. Weiner had taken time off, done a lot of soul-searching and decided he should run for New York City mayor.

Perhaps he was emboldened by Eliot Spitzer’s current run for city Comptroller. Spitzer was a tough attorney general with a reputation for chasing bad guys like an Old West marshal before being elected governor of New York State. He derailed his career by getting caught patronizing prostitutes and gradually rehabilitated his image by (1) acknowledging his hubris, (2) appearing as an expert on his own and other TV shows, and (3) taking a pummeling from comedians like Stephen Colbert, who asked him why we should elect a comptroller who has no self-“comp”trol. A good sense of humor goes a long way with New Yorkers. I just hope he’s learned his lesson.

Which brings me back to Mr. Weiner. Apparently, he has not kept his wiener under wraps and has consequently seared my brain further with the mercifully pixellated yet still obviously denuded object of his affection. (I’m sure the uncensored version is available for viewing but I’m not going to look for it. I have nothing against the penis per se. I just believe in our right to choose.)

In his 2011 press conference, he admitted sending naked pics but said he couldn’t be sure it was his penis in the photos that surfaced. I’ve heard of face blindness before, a brain disorder that renders the sufferer unable to identify any face, but this may be the first recorded case of dick blindness. Waking up each morning unable to recognize his own groin would explain his constant urge to get reacquainted and his compulsion to photograph it. In essence, he was sending a digitized flyer that might read something like this:

Anthony Weiner Penis poster Magick Sandwich

So many people have seen it, it’s surprising no one has claimed it yet. Perhaps he should try putting it on the side of a milk carton.

The shame of being forced to resign from Congress has not dimmed Weiner’s enthusiasm for engaging in smutty wordplay and sharing images of his proud phallus. Having been through this before, he still believes he can be taken seriously as a political candidate without fear of ridicule or more scandal. It’s difficult to see this as anything but an IQ test Weiner can’t seem to pass. But there are a couple of differences this time.

On Tuesday, his wife Huma Abedin was by his side at the press conference and gave a poignant speech. It’s a savvy move. If she can forgive him, can’t we all? Then a reporter asked Weiner when his wife found out that he had continued to send messages even after his resignation from Congress. His reply? “She knew all along, um, the process as I was more and more honest with her.” Funny, that sounds much like what happens when lies fail, one after another, until the truth is all that’s left.

It’s a shaky basis for a claim to the moral high ground but hardly enough to disqualify him for public office.  I can even forgive him for thinking that switching from Facebook to Yahoo would protect him from discovery. For me, the final nail in the coffin of Weiner’s career is his choice of pseudonym: Carlos Danger.

This is my new favorite T-shirt.

The moniker has even inspired an unlikely ad campaign by Spirit Airlines, which offers a discount to celebrate the disgraced politician’s, ahem, rise:
Anthony Weiner Discount Spirit Air

image not to scale

This gives new meaning to the term nom de plume. Does Anthony Weiner secretly picture himself as nice Jewish boy by day, 70s porn star by night? One thing I can say for sure is that Weiner has no female friends. Otherwise, one of us would have told him that no one wants to see Danger’s dangler.

More Weiner:
Don’t Cry for Anthony Weiner
Weiner Watch 2018: Your Dad’s Not So Bad
Copyright Notice 2018 Magick Sandwich

Don’t Cry for Anthony Weiner

Anthony Weiner wipes away tear

Anthony Weiner is finally going to resign. I think he should have done it much sooner. That he didn’t is an indication of his arrogance; to believe he could stay in office was as delusional as the idea he could take and send photos of his shaved genitalia and never get caught.

There’s already a wave of protest online. He didn’t break any laws. Republicans David Vitter, Mark Sanford, and Larry Craig did not resign over infidelity, soliciting prostitutes and lying about it. This is true, with an important exception. Use of government computers and smartphones to send photos and messages would be actionable.

I’m not convinced that a person who used Facebook and Twitter so inappropriately would be able to control the urge–to draw the line–at the office. I think Mr. Weiner may have known that was going to be exposed in the internal investigation.

Did anyone believe him when he denied sending the first crotch photo but said he could not say with certitude whether said crotch was his? That’s parsing the truth on a Clintonian level.

I just want to pause for a moment to address Ginger Lee, the porn actress who exchanged hundreds of emails with Congressman Weiner.

Gloria Allred Ginger Lee Anthony Weiner

Ms. Lee, he asked you to lie about your communications, offered to get you PR help and sent you a statement to give to the press saying he’d sent you only one short message thanking you for your support.

So you held a press conference with Gloria Effing Allred and announced that he always steered your conversations toward sex. Ms. Lee? You’re a porn star! What else would he talk to you about? Spinoza?

Geez, what a messed up world we live in. Sometimes it seems more suited to a Monty Python skit than to objective reality. It would be funny if it weren’t news. In our post-ironic you betcha society, humor, and self-awareness cede more ground every day to empty heads and earnest ignorance.

In the midst of this, a well-endowed Jewish legislator got caught waving his wiener. At a press conference this afternoon, he will wave the white flag. Hopefully, he’ll keep his pants on this time.

*****
2:25 pm Update:

He just resigned and I have to say that I feel terrible for him. The heckling was obscene. Whatever I feel about this man’s failings, he didn’t deserve that indignity. (Yes, I know how ironic that sounds.) He bore up surprisingly well in the face of inexcusable behavior by many of those in the room. There could have been no more cruel blow to his ego. I’m glad his wife wasn’t there. I hate to think what questions would have been hurled at her. I’m sure there will be much speculation about her absence. I hope they have a supportive group around them. Certainly, none of them were in evidence in that room today.

*****
June 17, 2018 Update:

>Who knew at the time it could get so, so much worse? Apparently, abject humiliation was an aphrodisiac for Weiner. He got off on the Danger, so to speak. On September 10, 2013, he lost the Democratic primary after receiving less than 5 percent of the vote.

On July 31, 2015, Weiner sexted a photo of his erection, mercifully clothed, with his three-year-old son in bed next to him. It surfaced in the New York Post on August 29, 2016. Hours later, his wife announced she was leaving him. Today, Weiner’s son spent Father’s Day visiting his dad in federal prison, where he’s serving a 21-month term for “sexting” a minor.

This dumb prick and his proud owner have wreaked havoc on a global scale. Huma Abedin worked on Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign. Weiner’s use of her work computer to send pics of himself in flagrante de-dick-to enabled the FBI to reopen its fruitless investigation into Clinton’s alleged email server abuse just days before the election and helped Donald J. Trump become president.

Putin, send your thank-you card to: Inmate #79112-054, c/o FMC Devens, Federal Medical Center, PO Box 879, Ayer, MA 01432.

More Weiner:
Weiner Watch 2011
Weiner Watch 2018: Your Dad’s Not So Bad
Anthony Weiner Waves His Wiener Once More
Copyright Notice 2018 Magick Sandwich

Rush Limbaugh Douche of the Week

Rush Limbaugh – Douche of the Week

Rush Limbaugh Douche of the Week
It’s easy to say that we should stop paying attention to Rush Limbaugh, that by repeating his hateful speech, we are keeping him on the national stage. If you believe that, then I’ve got news for you. A lot of people listen to him and he’s not going away. His rhetoric needs to be dragged into the light and exposed as the stinking garbage it is. Here are a few smelly bits from his radio show:

Regarding Kanye West’s rude behavior toward Taylor Swift at the VMAs, Limbaugh said Obama was “probably just jealous” of Kanye’s communication skills when Obama called him a “jackass.”

Responding to police claims that an attack on a white student by black students on a bus was not racially motivated, Limbaugh said:

I think the guy’s wrong. I think not only it was racism, it was justifiable racism. I mean, that’s the lesson we’re being taught here today. Kid shouldn’t have been on the bus anyway. We need segregated buses — it was invading space and stuff. This is Obama’s America.

He also talked about how happy he is that “Obama’s failing,” that it’s what he’s wanted all along. He joked that on Monday Night football, whenever Tom Brady said “hut” it made him think of Obama’s family in Kenya, and speculated that Obama doesn’t help his family there because his “half-white side” is racist. Then he dropped this piece of philosophical excrement:

If homosexuality being inborn is what makes it acceptable, why does racism being inborn not make racism acceptable? I’m sorry — I mean, this is the way my mind works. But apparently now we don’t choose racism, we just are racists. We are born that way. We don’t choose it. So shouldn’t it be acceptable, excuse — this is according to the way the left thinks about things.

Why does anyone listen to this asshole? Apparently, this is what passes for revolutionary, patriotic thought in his fans’ minds. This would be laughable if people didn’t hang on the buffoon’s every ignorant word. It’s the Gospel of Saint Hate.

We’ve had a lot of celebrities die this year. Rush’s ample adipose tissue must hold a pharmacy’s worth of Oxycontin but the guy just won’t overdose. If only he would learn the pleasures of autoerotic asphyxiation without the safety measures. It would take an awfully strong closet rod to hold him up. Start researching fine hotels and I’ll get the belt.

More about Rush:
Listening to Limbaugh
Stop Picking on Rush Limbaugh!

Copyright Magick Sandwich

Magick Sandwich

Robert Novak is Dead

Robert Novak, the right-wing “journalist” who outed Valerie Plame (with Karl Rove’s assistance) has died of brain cancer.

I hope they cut out his tumor and throw it a parade.

air sex palin magick sandwich

Air Sex World Championship Tonight

As if Air Guitar Nation weren’t cringe-inducing enough, there’s a new way for aficionados of fraud to strut their stuff: it’s called Air Sex.

Like all great pastimes, this originated in Japan. Its founder, seen here in this seminal footage, explains that it is a competition born of necessity. Apparently, Japanese guys are not having a lot of sex and need to practice. In the audience, the Japanese women in the audience appear unimpressed by their ersatz exertions.

The first Air Sex USA Championships took place last year and, as always, we Americans kicked it up a notch. First of all, we added women. Duh! There are several videos to choose from on YouTube documenting the event and I can’t recommend any of them, mainly because I can’t bear to watch them.

Except, that is, for one featuring a horny Sarah Palin taking office after McCain’s Viagra-induced frenzy kills him. (Could this be what Glenn Beck’s fever dreams look like?) The community theater on acid vibe only makes it more difficult to look away. Oh, and it’s acted out to the tune of “War Pigs.”

So if you haven’t barfed your kibble yet and have an interest in an evening of sexual karaoke, head to the Highline Ballroom in NYC tonight for the Air Sex World Championship. Real sex and orgasms are strictly prohibited, so you won’t need a raincoat. Cheer for Team USA and try not to be weirdly turned on: it will be hell on you to explain this to your therapist.
At the intersection of mime and lap dancing lies Air Sex!

Air Sex World Championship – Magick Sandwich takes a look at sexual karaoke and it isn’t pretty.