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Bulletproof Pocket Square: Product of the Week

June 1, 2009

The Bullet-proof Gentlemen’s Pocket Square from Sruli Recht is the latest in 007-style sartorial elegance.

Sold as a “non-product,” the pocket square known as The Damned was originally issued in a limited edition of ten two years ago. Back by popular demand, it has been reissued as an open edition.

It is made of military grade ballistic strength fiber, “to protect the hearts of men.”

This reminds me of an old Woody Allen joke, his reversal of an even Sandwich story of a person being saved from a bullet by a Bible. In Woody’s version, he is walking down the street with a bullet in his breast pocket when someone throws a bible out a window, hitting him in the chest. “That Bible would’ve gone through my heart if it wasn’t for the bullet.” Please don’t sue me for quoting you, Mr. Allen. I’m not selling anything.

Though it is proving to be a popular item, the Pocket Square does come with a disclaimer.

* If a gun is aimed at you, fired, and the slug hits you, you will be hurt despite the properties of the square; The impact of the projectile itself is likely to fracture, crack or break your bones bones and bruise you. According to the specifications of the textile, a ballistic projectile such as a bullet will not pass through thirty two layers of this material. We take NO responsibility for those who feel compelled to test the endurance or resistance of the textile in any way.

Duly noted. My question is this: even if it could protect the average Wall Street banker from a shot to the heart, doesn’t he know we’re going to go for the head shot, anyway?

More products:
An Umbrella for Psychos
Scrotal Deodorant Wash

Scent of a Yeoman

May 7, 2009

Be a Trekkie or just smell like one with this new cologne from Genki Wear. (Arguing that the correct term is Trekker does not make you cool.)

Other scents in the series include Tiberius to help one emulate the je ne sais quois of a certain starship captain who’s popular with all manner of space booty.

For the ladies, there is Pon Farr, named for the famed estrus cycle in which Vulcans must mate or die. So apply with caution before a night on the town. But remember, Pon Farr only happens every seven years. Be careful what you wish for. And be patient.

If your girlfriend gives you Red Shirt, she may be getting ready to push you out the airlock. Its tagline reads: Because tomorrow may never come. You may be an extra in your own life. Know this, you will not become a series regular.

Whichever scent you choose, snap it up in a hurry. You haven’t much time to douse yourself, covering the musty scent of your parents’ basement, and get to the nearest theater.

Straight from the Sucker Files: SNUS

November 1, 2008

Looking for a brand new outlet for your nicotine addiction? Camel’s got you covered. It’s got an old nag dressed up like a new pony and it’s called SNUS.
What is this product? It’s a fine moist tobacco that you place beneath your upper lip. It comes in packets so there’ll be no telltale tobacco leaves stuck between your expensive veneers. There’s no need to spit, so no one will know you’re dipping at your nephew’s bar mitzvah. And no worries about spilling your spit cup on the center console of your Mercedes. It’s like a Christmas miracle!

As Judge Judy said, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” I remember something like this: it’s called Skoal.
A friend of mine got caught by his dad once, who forced him to swallow it. The projectile vomiting cured him of the habit. I tried it myself a few times. I wanted to be the tough girl who’d pack in a chew, but it tasted like ass and I couldn’t learn to spit without dribbling the juice down my shirt. Mouth cancer wasn’t even a consideration.

Maybe Camel could do a tie-in with that other timeless classic: the forty.
But I don’t think that would play to the demographic they’re going for now. SNUS has been sold in Nordic countries like Greenland for years. Now Camel is test-marketing it in the U.S. I’m not naive; I know they don’t really care who their end-users are. They’re equal opportunity death-dealers. Their mission is simple: to create more addicts to replace the ones they’ve already killed. There’ll be a whole new generation hopelessly devoted to chew.

More suckers:
Straight from the Sucker Files: The Q-Link

An Umbrella for Psychos: Product of the Week

October 31, 2008

Your child will be a hit with her classmates when you send her to school with this umbrella from Art.Lebedev Studio, aptly named “Fuck the Rain.”

Just don’t be surprised if you end up having to explain yourself to Child Protective Services.

Meanwhile, there’s another umbrella on sale if you want to work out some anger issues or just plain fear for your life. (Remember, it’s only assassination if you’re important.)

It’s the Self-Defense Unbreakable Umbrella from Real Self-Defense and it even has its own instructional video.

At first, it’s cute, like Charlie Chaplin doing a trick. But it quickly turns dark with a sociopathic Gallagher watermelon murder, then a Britney-esque beating.

britney umbrella meltdown Scary.

The Philippine president’s security detail uses them. (Maybe they can’t afford guns?) Come to think of it, after January 20th, 2009, you might want to avoid this guy.

He may not be in a very good mood. Though he’ll no longer be president, he may still be dangerous.

More products:
Scrotal Deodorant Wash: Product of the Week

Scrotal Deodorant Wash: Product of the Week

October 20, 2008

Guys, place your orders for Man Junk, a new organic crotch wash made just for your schwantz, taint and family jewels. Here’s a bit of the ad copy:

How nice would it be, knowing that your significant other or one-night stand (hey, we’re not perfect either) is pleasantly surprised instead of trying not to breathe through their nose? Exactly.

That gives a whole new meaning to “going there.” At first, I thought it was a crazy idea. Then I thought about all of the insane things women do to stay pubically presentable, from waxing (not really Brazilian, by the way–that was a marketing ploy) to anal bleaching.

Someone’s going to have to explain anal bleaching to me; if you’re that close to someone’s asshole, it seems to me that the time for making value judgments has passed. It’s a little late to say, “Eeww, this place looks like a shithole,” am I right?

So, if your partner hurls and your dog faints when downwind of your weenie, get thee some Man Junk. No more worries about fummunda.*

Girls, play Secret Santa and sneak this into his gym bag. He’ll get the message that there’ll be no gifts under his tree (wink wink) ’til he deals with the stink.

Man Junk–It’s a product whose time has come!

*the cheese fummunda your balls, silly!

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