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Elton John, Wedding Whore, Sings at Rush Limbaugh’s Wedding

Seriously, are you shitting me? Elton John sang at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding this past weekend? Could this be the seventh sign of the apocalypse?

I wrote about Sir John almost exactly one year ago in my post, Elton John, Funeral Whore, to Sing at Michael Jackson’s Service. Even I thought I was being a little harsh. I should never have doubted myself. Once a beloved musician, John has become little more than a bloated gay mascot. Is his ubiquity at celebrity weddings and funerals a last grasp at relevance? Or just a dash for cash?

Rush Limbaugh, bloated Republican mascot, is a staunch critic of homosexuality. He’s no fan of California’s music industry, judging from this quip: “The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.” Of course, that wouldn’t apply to Elton John, who’s from across the pond. But this statement might:  “When a gay person turns his back on you, it is anything but an insult; it’s an invitation.”

Hmm, what would Freud have said about that? Does Rush secretly long to be a rump rustler? It certainly seems like he’s threatened by the temptation of a male tush. I can’t imagine any man (or woman, for that matter) being attracted to Limbaugh, puffed up like a beached whale baking in the sun and emitting the foul stench of decay.

Rush Limbaugh DR sex tourist

Let’s leave such speculation to the experts for now. Rush, gay hater, paid Elton, gay star, one million dollars to sing at his wedding. Since Elton is worth close to quarter of a billion dollars, I assume he will donate the money to an AIDS charity. He has contributed millions to AIDS-related causes. Unfortunately, that does not keep Sir John from being a big, sloppy media whore.

Elton John sings at Limbaugh wedding

Then again, I would hope he’d cover Rush Limbaugh’s funeral for free. I’m just not sure what he’ll substitute for Candle in the Wind. That seems to be his go-to tune. He’s tweaked it for everyone from Princess Di to Michael Jackson.

It seems to me
that you lived your life
like a cancer in the wind…

It has a certain ring to it, don’t you think? What would you have him sing?
More Limbaugh:
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Rush Limbaugh Douche of the Week

Rush Limbaugh – Douche of the Week

Rush Limbaugh Douche of the Week
It’s easy to say that we should stop paying attention to Rush Limbaugh, that by repeating his hateful speech, we are keeping him on the national stage. If you believe that, then I’ve got news for you. A lot of people listen to him and he’s not going away. His rhetoric needs to be dragged into the light and exposed as the stinking garbage it is. Here are a few smelly bits from his radio show:

Regarding Kanye West’s rude behavior toward Taylor Swift at the VMAs, Limbaugh said Obama was “probably just jealous” of Kanye’s communication skills when Obama called him a “jackass.”

Responding to police claims that an attack on a white student by black students on a bus was not racially motivated, Limbaugh said:

I think the guy’s wrong. I think not only it was racism, it was justifiable racism. I mean, that’s the lesson we’re being taught here today. Kid shouldn’t have been on the bus anyway. We need segregated buses — it was invading space and stuff. This is Obama’s America.

He also talked about how happy he is that “Obama’s failing,” that it’s what he’s wanted all along. He joked that on Monday Night football, whenever Tom Brady said “hut” it made him think of Obama’s family in Kenya, and speculated that Obama doesn’t help his family there because his “half-white side” is racist. Then he dropped this piece of philosophical excrement:

If homosexuality being inborn is what makes it acceptable, why does racism being inborn not make racism acceptable? I’m sorry — I mean, this is the way my mind works. But apparently now we don’t choose racism, we just are racists. We are born that way. We don’t choose it. So shouldn’t it be acceptable, excuse — this is according to the way the left thinks about things.

Why does anyone listen to this asshole? Apparently, this is what passes for revolutionary, patriotic thought in his fans’ minds. This would be laughable if people didn’t hang on the buffoon’s every ignorant word. It’s the Gospel of Saint Hate.

We’ve had a lot of celebrities die this year. Rush’s ample adipose tissue must hold a pharmacy’s worth of Oxycontin but the guy just won’t overdose. If only he would learn the pleasures of autoerotic asphyxiation without the safety measures. It would take an awfully strong closet rod to hold him up. Start researching fine hotels and I’ll get the belt.

More about Rush:
Listening to Limbaugh
Stop Picking on Rush Limbaugh!

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Sandwich Fixins #6

Once again I find myself a few (magick?) sandwiches short of a picnic. So I offer you the condiments of my mind with another helping of Sandwich Fixins.

*****

When you order Domino’s online, you can post your order to Facebook. As technological solipsism reaches its zenith, can the apocalypse be far behind?

*****

My dream job would be to work in a think tank at Arm & Hammer, coming up with new ways to market baking soda.

*****

When I need to feel smart, I read a message board—any message board. The writers’ streams of consciousness read more like comatose trickles.

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How many bars of soap could be made from the rendered fat of Rush Limbaugh?

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When did “gift” become a verb? “The star was gifted the necklace after the photo shoot.” Wasn’t she given the necklace?

When did “shone” disappear? For example, “The star shined at the opening.” I don’t understand. Was she polishing something?

*****

I saw Karl Rove in person, so I can cross “be in the presence of evil” off my bucket list.

*****

If you feel that any of my jokes require a little help, add your own percussion with Instant Rimshot.

More fixins:
Sandwich Fixins #3
Sandwich Fixins #4
Sandwich Fixins #5

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Sandwich Fixins #5

At almost every supermarket checkout counter, there are signs saying, “Go Green. Skip the Plastic.” If plastic bags are so bad, shouldn’t we give this advice to dog owners as well? I’m only saying this because I would love to take a walk and see people bent over, fingers spread like a catcher’s mitt, waiting to collect the steaming pile dropping from their pooch’s ass. That would be very entertaining for me.

*****

Years ago, I accompanied my husband to the New York Auto Show. Manufacturers pay people to lurk around taking notes about visitors’ reactions. They’re not presenters; they’re supposed to blend in. Sometimes you can tell who they are as I did when waxing rhapsodic about a Supercharger prototype that never made it into production. The poor guy was madly scribbling, trying to keep up.

So when we got to the Mercedes exhibit, I started asking, very loudly, “Where’s Hitler’s staff car?” I aimed the question at no one in particular. I saw no presenter. I repeated myself several times, hoping to flush out the secret representative. Eventually, my husband hustled me away and ended my impromptu demonstration of support for Holocaust survivors and, by extension, all Jews, many of whom drive Mercedes.

I’ve been telling this story ever since. It’s short, sweet and totally true. But some morons at this year’s show decided to heckle a Chrysler spokesmodel as if she ran the company. So now I have to give a whole backstory to show that I wasn’t harassing anyone. Thanks to those assholes, my story will never be funny again.

*****

Wanda Sykes caught some flak for wishing Rush Limbaugh’s kidneys would fail. She was speaking at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner at the time, and the context of the joke was her reaction to Limbaugh’s wish for Obama to fail. She also said Rush might have been one of the hijackers on 9/11 but was so messed up on Oxycontin that he missed his flight. Plus she shares how she’d torture Sean Hannity. It’s pretty sweet. Watch it here. It’s over fifteen minutes long and well worth your time.

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Why use Wynonna Judd in an ad for Alli, a weight loss drug? Is it so fat people won’t feel pressured to actually lose weight? This is ingenious advertising that says, “We’re not even trying to kid you that you’ll ever be able to stop shopping in Dress Barn.” It persuades people to buy a drug while lowering their expectation of eventual success.
Wynonna Judd hawks diet pillP.S. Alli makes you shit your pants. Now you know what Wynonna Judd is probably doing right now.

Related posts:
Sandwich Fixins #2
Sandwich Fixins #3
Sandwich Fixins #4

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good rush bad rush

Begin the Day With a Friendly Voice

There should be only one Rush to rule the airwaves.
Up with Lee, Lifeson and Peart!
Down with hate-mongering Limbaugh!

good rush bad rush 

Rush Limbaugh on Hannity

Stop Picking on Rush Limbaugh!

Rush Limbaugh on HannityOn Wednesday, January 21, Rush Limbaugh struck a blow for freedom and truth. While others cowered like toadies of the new administration, he spoke truth to power, saying:

I hope he fails.

To be fair, the full quote is this:

So I shamelessly say, no, I want him to fail, if his agenda is a far- left collectivism, some people say socialism, as a conservative heartfelt, deeply, why would I want socialism to succeed?

See, that’s not so bad, is it? He’s qualifying his desire for the President (and by extension the U.S. government and all its citizens) to go down in a smoking pile of wreckage.

As he told Sean Hannity of FOX, he was just saying what everyone was thinking. He then chastised Republicans who’ve “drunk the Kool-Aid.” (Will that beloved drink ever live down the whole Jim Jones thing? Talk about a PR nightmare.)

We’re witnessing racism all this week that led up to the inauguration. We are being told that we have to hope he succeeds, that we have to bend over, grab the ankles, bend over forward, backward, whichever, because his father was black, because this is the first black president.

Limbaugh exposes the outrage of Obama’s not having the decency to have two white parents. Then again, I’m fairly sure that the press and those on both sides of the aisle suffered similar humiliation when forced to cheer for Obama’s predecessor. I imagine that must have felt like having Bozo the clown give one an enema.

In keeping with Mr. Limbaugh’s bracing honesty, I respectfully express to him my own heartfelt wish:

I hope you OD, you bloated pill-popping parasite, you weeping sore on the ass of humanity.

Related post:
Listening to Limbaugh

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Listening to Limbaugh

Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama. Of course, Rush Limbaugh couldn’t keep his stupid mouth shut about it. He wrote the following to Politico’s Jonathan Martin:

Secretary Powell says his endorsement is not about race… OK, fine. I am now researching his past endorsements to see if I can find all the inexperienced, very liberal, white candidates he has endorsed. I’ll let you know what I come up with.

How about this, Rush? An open mind might think that Powell sincerely believes that Obama will be a better president. Perhaps his experience with the Bush administration makes him more informed and thus more wary of a McCain win. If you want to get nasty about it, maybe he’s trying to wash off the stink of failure that’s all but ended his own political career; maybe he regrets his unearned loyalty to Dubya.

Perhaps it was Powell’s last flexing of political muscle, an eloquent endorsement of change or at least its possibility. Here’s a short excerpt:

…I’m also troubled by…what members of the party say, and is permitted to be said, such things as, ‘Well you know that Mr. Obama is a Muslim.’ Well, the correct answer is, ‘He is not a Muslim, he’s a Christian, he’s always been a Christian.’

But the really right answer is, ‘What if he is? Is there something wrong with being a Muslim in this country?’

The answer’s ‘No, that’s not America.’

Is there something wrong with some 7-year-old Muslim American kid believing that he or she could be president? Yet I have heard senior members of my own party drop the suggestion he’s a Muslim and he might be associated with terrorists. This is not the way we should be doing it in America.

Then here comes this ham-fisted dickhead to throw his weight around. Should it matter? No. But it does. He opens the door for people like Pat Buchanan or George Will, who works hard to sound erudite and objective as he sinks like a stone, invoking Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.

Well, I’ve been doing a little research of my own, Rush. Your most memorable quote, in my opinion, is this:

The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down.

And the most amusing thing I’ve ever seen you do is your jittery impersonation of Michael J. Fox, set to Herbie Hancock’s Rockit by The Colbert Report.

Comedy Central’s online version cuts it off, possibly due to problems with recording rights or an abundance of good taste. You can see part of it at the end of Colbert’s “The Word” segment. (The word is “shameless” and it is right on target.)

One last thing, Rush. I’d like to suggest an endorsement of your very own.

Rush Limbaugh Oxycontin Ad

I think it’s right up your alley!

Related posts:
Bill O’Reilly Cures Depression
Idiocracy Now Qualifies as a Documentary

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