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tombstone magick sandwich fixins

Sandwich Fixins #9

 When I can’t stand the clutter in the fridge, I bring you another serving of sandwich fixins.

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What’s the warranty on an exorcism?
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I’m sad that Hugo Chavez’ body was too decomposed to be preserved and displayed like Lenin. It means no one will ever be able to break into his glass casket and dress him in crotchless panties.
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Why do pickles say “Refrigerate After Opening?”
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People who love pigeons should be forced to feed them worms and grubs. Do they
just assume the birds prefer stale bread, with all those carbs and
gluten?  Why isn’t PETA on this?
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Could Lois Lane get cancer from Superman’s X-ray vision?
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If tombstones are our final caption, I’d like mine to read “Ask me
about alternative medicine.” Or maybe “Incurable romantic.” I also like
“This isn’t my gum.” I can’t decide. Maybe I could pay people to let me
carve things onto their dead loved ones’ gravestones. That could work.
tombstone magick sandwich fixins

Fixins Archive:
Sandwich Fixins #8
Sandwich Fixins #7
Sandwich Fixins #6

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New Yorker libertarian cartoon

Sandwich Fixins #8

With the BP spill dumping gallons of oil onto our shores, Rand Paul stating (hypothetically) that private businesses should legally be able to discriminate if they feel like it, and Arizona requiring I.D. from anyone with a tan, you can see why Magick Sandwich is experiencing a dearth of creativity. It’s just hard to find anything funny to write about these days.

While I mourn the impending lack of Gulf shrimp–because this is all about me—I will try to satisfy you with the cocktail sauce of my mind in this installment of Sandwich Fixins.

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This is how I imagine a true patriot who stands against big government would react to a service being rammed down his throat.

New Yorker libertarian cartoon

When he rebuilds that house, he’ll need extra room for his aging parents who refuse to receive Medicare or Social Security because they won’t live under the lash of those evil liberal overseers, dagnabbit!

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BleachBlack.com has released a semen-colored nail polish called Jizz. For more sperm-related trends, check out my post, Gross Anatomy. In case you’re curious, it also sells another polish called Dickweed. It’s a bright metallic blue-green, which surprised me. But then again, I’m not sure what color I expected.
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Paramount is planning a movie based on the Magic 8 Ball Game. Will I see it? Reply hazy. Ask again later.
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A shoe manufacturer named TOMS makes slip-on sneakers that are a huge hit with celebrities. For every pair sold, another pair is given to a child in need. I know this is a really nice thing, but what if that child really needs food? I picture starving kids in trendy footwear.
Is that wrong?
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Lauren Conrad, 24, complains about having cellulite in May’s issue of Glamour. Meanwhile, the woman gracing the May cover of Fitness magazine says, “I have hips! I’m never going to be the thinnest actress, and don’t want to be.” Who is this zaftig beauty? Kristin Davis. She’s proud of her curves? What curves? She’s one thin layer of flesh away from being a human xylophone.
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While we’re on the subject of celebrities, can we please stop talking about Zoe Saldana‘s incredible “performance” in Avatar? I don’t care how realistic the motion capture was: she was running around in a body stocking, hissing her lines. Should we ask if she did her own stunts, too?
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Finally, a study published by the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin reveals that we are all actually uglier than we think. If that’s so, then haven’t we lowered the bar for attractiveness? In which case…we all look good again! I love my logic.
More fixins:
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Magick Sandwich

Sandwich Fixins #7

Refrigeration broke down on the Magick Sandwich delivery truck and all the yummiest stuff got spoiled. So it’s back to salt and ketchup packets today, as we give you another handful of fixins:

How much waste is created in the making of those high-minded recyclable shopping bags? They’re everywhere. Do you think Rite Aid cares if they’re made in China through child labor? Does Whole Foods ensure the resulting toxic run-off doesn’t end up in our water supply? The regular plastic ones are still made, too, and thanks to their high percentage of recycled material, they have to be doubled to keep from breaking two steps out of the store. Yeah, this is working.

At what point will we admit that these pathetic efforts are like putting a band-aid on an avulsive wound? It might make us feel better but the patient is still bleeding out. Of course, the earth will rebound once it has shaken us off like fleas from a dog’s back.

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On a related subject, I’m getting sick of environmental groups saying that Americans use too much toilet paper. Here I draw the line. Isn’t it enough that we use recycled paper that gives us a spa-worthy exfoliation of our collective ass cracks? I don’t need Sheryl Crow or Laurie David or Joe Treehugger inviting themselves into my bathroom.

I also don’t want to stand downwind of them. When they sit down, do they crunch? I wonder how much waste water is generated from the extra detergent it takes to remove all those skid marks. From where I sit, the amount of toilet paper I use is just enough.

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Note to autoerotic asphyxiators: don’t forget the lime! You bite down on the lime at the moment of climax to wake yourself up before you die. I saw it on an old episode of CSI. You can get a lot of useful information from that show.

The world might still have David Carradine and Michael Hutchence if only they’d had a small wedge of tangy citrus. Or a spotter.

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I am viscerally creeped out by John Travolta’s hairline. It gives me goosebumps. Does he use a stencil and spray-on hair in the front? Or is he the first human Chia pet? It could be a Scientology thing: maybe that’s how they all look on Xenu‘s home planet.

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Overheard in the post office:

“They call it settling like with cereal so they don’t have to give you a full box. Or like you have a bottle of Snapple that isn’t completely filled. They say it needed air. But they’re just ripping you off.”

That guy should be in a think tank somewhere. Then “they” should fill the tank with water and leave him for dead.

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I’d like to end the week with a pet peeve. Please feel free to add your own.

Why do fancy restaurants grind pepper and dust my pasta with Parmesan? Are they adding value to my dining experience? Do they think I’ve never done this myself or won’t do it properly and thereby ruin the chef’s work of art? Are they trying to dictate how their dishes are garnished? Or maybe it’s a cost-saving measure, à la McDonald’s Ray Kroc: don’t give them condiments unless they ask for them.

I happen to be a person who likes a lot of pepper and grated cheese, so I’ll have that poor waiter grind away over my plate until he has carpal tunnel syndrome and other patrons are staring at me, judging me crass, low class, piggish, as if I’d ordered a steak at Peter Luger and asked for A-1 sauce. Or had a cheese souffle at the Plaza and covered it with ketchup.

My feeling is this: once I’ve ordered, this is my food and I can do whatever the hell I want with it. If that happens to mean I use a lobster as a dancing puppet at Oyster Bar—true story—then so be it. Leave the fixins on the table and step back. The fun’s about to begin.

More fixins:
Sandwich Fixins #4
Sandwich Fixins #5
Sandwich Fixins #6

Copyright Magick Sandwich

Magick Sandwich

Sandwich Fixins #6

Once again I find myself a few (magick?) sandwiches short of a picnic. So I offer you the condiments of my mind with another helping of Sandwich Fixins.

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When you order Domino’s online, you can post your order to Facebook. As technological solipsism reaches its zenith, can the apocalypse be far behind?

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My dream job would be to work in a think tank at Arm & Hammer, coming up with new ways to market baking soda.

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When I need to feel smart, I read a message board—any message board. The writers’ streams of consciousness read more like comatose trickles.

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How many bars of soap could be made from the rendered fat of Rush Limbaugh?

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When did “gift” become a verb? “The star was gifted the necklace after the photo shoot.” Wasn’t she given the necklace?

When did “shone” disappear? For example, “The star shined at the opening.” I don’t understand. Was she polishing something?

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I saw Karl Rove in person, so I can cross “be in the presence of evil” off my bucket list.

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If you feel that any of my jokes require a little help, add your own percussion with Instant Rimshot.

More fixins:
Sandwich Fixins #3
Sandwich Fixins #4
Sandwich Fixins #5

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Magick Sandwich

Sandwich Fixins #4

Between the fear and the hope, 2009 is shaping up to be a bumpy ride. I might be a newborn foal taking my first wobbly steps or I could be Old Yeller wagging my tail at the man with the gun. Too soon to tell. Either way, I’ve got some questions.

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Why does George Michael continue to use public bathrooms? How many times does he need to get busted before he’ll learn to put a bedpan in his limo? At least he only got caught with crack and pot this time. Maybe the glory hole was closed for the night.

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Has a friend ever come back from a trip to Europe and told you the public toilets there are great: they’re really clean? Define clean. Did you ever have someone barf into a helmet and then put it on? I trust the answer is no but I think you catch my drift. Those places would look like a CSI murder scene under a blacklight. Or like a bedspread at the Holiday Inn.

I used a public bathroom in Paris once. Supposedly it locked and cleaned itself between every use. So I thought, what if a bum got stuck in there? Would he drown?

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Why don’t environmentalists ever tell people they should stop having pets? What’s worse for the planet: dog shit or dog shit in a baggy, preserved in a landfill until the end of time? People run around bagging up crap behind Fido, but do you think they’d do that for you? They’d put you in a frigging home.

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Where do creationists think oil comes from? It’s fossil fuel. But if the earth is only 6,000 years old and scientists faked the fossil record, where does the oil come from? If dinosaurs walked the earth with humans, which must be true because Sarah Palin believes it, those fossils turn to oil fast. That’s good news because the hamster you buried in your backyard is fuel by now. If we just stop cremation and putting our dead in boxes, we’ll soon be right as rain. Apply some pressure and pretty soon Grandma’s corpse will be bubbling up some crude.

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Does anyone actually think that paint-on abs look good? If I have a huge belly, the last thing I want to do is draw a big diagram on it. The only place I want to see paint on a guy’s belly is at an NFL game. And that’s just so I can make fun of him. For God’s sake, people! Even Stevie Wonder has a sense of touch: do you think he doesn’t know what fat feels like?

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Why aren’t there any winos anymore? Where have they gone?

Related posts:
Sandwich Fixins
Sandwich Fixins #2
Sandwich Fixins #3

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Lehman Brothers emergency evacuation kit

Sandwich Fixins #3

It’s that time again when I’ve got lots of filler but nothing sandwich-worthy. So here it is, another serving of fixins!

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I think Rudy Giuliani should buy a Porsche so he can say, “Hi, I’m Rudy and this is my 9-11.” It would give him one more way to bring up his favorite topic.

Addendum: Why hasn’t anybody protested to get Porsche to change the name of that model out of respect for the victims? Someone should get on that right away.

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T-shirt idea:

Front:
Don’t hate me for drinking bottled water.

Back:
Hate me for selling crack to your kids.

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President Palin: If McCain wins and dies of some face-melting cancer, we’ll end up with the gerund-dropping vagina minder in office. I think if that happens we should swap out the Oval Office for the set of Hee Haw. It’ll make her presidential addresses seem more authentic. The Hee Haw guys could sing Gloom Despair and Agony in the background.

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The Wall Street bailout shouldn’t shock anyone. Millions of people use something every day to try for a bailout: it’s called a lottery ticket. It’s said that a person is more likely to be struck by lightning than to win the lottery. With the state of the world, getting hit by lightning might not be such a bad thing. I’ve tried standing with my ticket in a tin foil hat in the middle of a thunderstorm but that hasn’t worked, either. I guess I have no luck at all.

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Well, that’s all for today, boys and girls. I’ve got to get back on eBay and bid on more Lehman Brothers stuff.

Lehman Brothers emergency evacuation kitLooks like I’m gonna need it.

More fixins:
Sandwich Fixins
Sandwich Fixins #2

Copyright Magick Sandwich

Sandwich Fixins #2

Pringles Can Magick Sandwich

 

Fun Fact:

The remains of Fredric Baur, the man who invented the Pringles can, are buried in a Pringles can.

 

 

Online game to end hunger

Vocabulary Fun for a Good Cause:

For each word you define correctly, the United Nations’ World Food Bank will donate ten grains of rice to help feed the world’s hungry.

 

Because You Know You Want To:

 

Because You Know You Want To:

Buy John Waters: Place Space, a book of photos taken by Todd Oldham.

Mr. Waters, you are my Jesus of filth. I accept that you, my personal savior, choose to shun dentistry. But, if it be thy will, could you please get Mr. Oldham to reconsider his own unfortunate orthodontia? I know he’ll listen to you, and those things could really hurt somebody!

 

Related posts:
Je suis arrivée!
Sandwich Fixins

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