Tag Archive for: sarcasm

Magick Sandwich

Great Gifts for Alcoholics!

Looking for a great gift for the alcoholic in your life? It can be hard to find something new for that special someone who’s tasted everything from Purell to paint thinner. Take things up a notch with Magick Sandwich’s guide to tasty vodkas. They’re the classiest Christmas gifts yet to come with a screw top.

salmon vodkaChances are, you know someone who’s forsaken food in favor of booze. Now, he can have both. We’ve discussed the joys of bacon vodka here, so let us now extol the virtues of Alaska Distillery’s Smoked Salmon vodka. It’s a little taste of the Pacific Northwest with what’s sure to be an even more distinctive flavor on the way back up.

Smirnoff Espresso vodka is eye-opener, hair-of-the-dog and morning joe all rolled into one. Brought to you by the master of liver killing libations, Smirnoff shows mercy by disguising its usual vodka tang. The same could be accomplished with Starbucks’ coffee grounds salvaged from a Dumpster. But that would be harder to wrap.

7-Eleven wineIs your buddy bloated from too much 7- Eleven wine? With its dietetic fruit flavor and implied protection from scurvy, Belvedere Pink Grapefruit vodka is an excellent choice. It shows you care about his bleeding gums but not enough to let him into your house.

For those with a sweet tooth—though not necessarily an actual tooth—we recommend Cupcake vodka, in flavors like Devil’s Food and Frosting. Pinnacle Cotton Candy vodka, conjuring images of the county fair midway, is a yummy choice, too, unless it reminds him of the time he got turned down for a job as a carny because he was too dirty.

medea vodkaYour best choice of all may be Medea vodka. Though it boasts no interesting flavor, its bottle has a scrolling LED display on which you can program your most heartfelt message, such as, “We really think you should get some help.” No intervention necessary!

We hope this helps with your last-minute holiday shopping. Bottoms up!

More gifts:
Last-Minute Gifts – Wine Warning

Copyright Magick Sandwich

 

More Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!

It’s that time of year again. Are you wondering what to get for your loved ones to show you really care? Avoid the Walmart scrum and spread Christmas cheer this season with Magick Sandwich’s sure-to-please holiday gift list!

First, for the friend whose dog makes sweet love to your pant leg as soon as you step in the door, we recommend Hot Doll, the first sex toy for dogs. Its legs boast a “no slide” system and its cone is made from “the same materials used by veterinarians.”

Yes, the cone is exactly what you think it is and yes, it makes your vet sound kinky. It’s also washable, which will make picking up dog poop a joy by comparison. Stylish in black or white, this puppy will set you back 159 euros plus shipping. Did I mention it’s made in France? Of course, it is.

For the aunt who wears leggings because they’re “slimming” and who hasn’t seen south of her own border in umpteen pounds, we suggest the Cuchini Camel Toe Solution. It fits inside her drawers to shore up her sagging nethers. Her inseam will thank you.

If you’d like to see the before and after photos, you’ll have to visit the site. Showing a doggy
sex toy is one thing, but we have to draw the line somewhere. Standards must be maintained. A bacon merkin, on the other hand? Good clean fun.

Distract the coworker who gets preachy about your lunch with What Would Jesus Eat?: The Ultimate Program for Eating Well, Feeling Great and Living Longer. (Spoiler alert: He’s not a fan of processed white bread but He does recommend non-fat cream cheese.)

Along with its companion cookbook, no doubt straight from the savior’s test kitchen, it’s the perfect gift for the believer who wonders, “Are these fishes sourced locally?”

Finally, give that special someone languishing on an organ donor list the gift of a life-sized plush organ from the folks at iheartguts.com.

Some of the organs available are the testicle, ovary, gallbladder, lung, prostate, and spleen. Maybe while Uncle Roy clutches this adorable, festively colored plush liver, he’ll think about taking better care of his next one. If he gets one. If not, you can always re-gift it to one of the other hopeless drunks in your family. Do they sell in bulk?

Well, that’s all for now. Click here for more gift ideas. While you’re at it, see our advice on gifts for depressed and/or lonely friends, bacon lovers and drunkards. Remember: Don’t wait for their birthdays. They may be dead by then.™

More gift-giving know-how:
Great Holiday Gifts: Bacon Edition 
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!
Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!

Copyright Notice 2018 Magick Sandwich

Radiant Tampons: Product of the Week

I’ve seen some odd stuff–everything from scrotal wash to anal bleach–but never at my local pharmacy. So when Tampax Radiant Tampons turned up at Walgreen’s, it piqued my interest. I found this description on the Tampax website:

“New Tampax Radiant tampons give you an ultimate protection experience like never before!”

Radiant? Does it double as a flashlight? Is it a nuclear energy source? Does it glow in the dark? I have to admit, that could come in handy during a blackout. Or a rave.

“The Radiant tampon features FormFit™ protection that gently expands to fit your unique shape….”

I’ve always assumed that all vaginas are fairly similar. How unique can they be? Square, rhomboid? Surely not fractal?! I don’t know how we’ve survived all these years without this bespoke tampon. I am also glad to read that it “gently expands.” We’ve all had too many of those things going off like airbags up there. Am I right, ladies?

“…a LeakGuard™ braid to help stop leaks before they happen…”

This just seems like a waste of perfectly good extensions.

“…a CleanSeal™ wrapper—the first ever re-sealable wrapper for worry-free disposal…”

Why would we worry? Are we in space, trash floating free in the capsule? Training a cadaver-sniffing canine unit? Camping in bear country? Trying to hide our preoperative female-to-male gender reassignment from friends? (We know who we are.)

“…and a CleanGrip™ applicator designed for incredible comfort.”

This is definitely preferable to DirtyGrip™ or GreasyGrip™ (which are probably already on the market as lube). It sounds a bit like ad copy for a Brookstone personal massager. Still, I’m sure that Tampax has done a lot of research into this truly new and different product and hasn’t just had its marketing department come up with new and different words to sell the same old thing.

So when the woman in the stall next to you breaks into song and yells, “I’m incredibly comfortable!” you’ll know she has a Tampax Radiant tampon to thank.

But you still may want to alert the authorities.

More dirty business:
Fart Filter: Product of the Week
Magick Monday Manscaping
Pimp Your Vajajay for Valentine’s Day!
Scrotal Deodorant Wash: Product of the Week

angry grape magick sandwich

Last Minute Gifts – Wine Warning

Over here at Magick Sandwich, we’ve finished our Christmas shopping. Since we never stop spending on ourselves, the holidays are just a convenient cover story. Much like an alcoholic who rationalizes drinking on special occasions, for a shopper every day is a special occasion.

Speaking of addiction and Christmas, you might be thinking of giving the last-minute gift of a bottle of vino. After all, Jesus, guest of honor, turned water into wine. Since you can’t, you’ll need a credit card and a little help from FedEx.

With only four days till Christmas, you need to make haste. But take a moment to learn about the art of wine shipping. Did you know there are certain states that do not allow it? Montana, South Dakota, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania are a few.

angry grape magick sandwich

The grape of wrath?

The “dry state” of Utah I can understand, although I’ve known quite a few Mormon drunkards, believe you me. But New Jersey? Why would it deny its citizens a bit of relief? Luckily, you can help fight this injustice at freethegrapes.org, a national grass roots coalition of wine lovers, wineries and retailers fighting the powerful wine wholesalers’ lobby. Those bastards!

Don’t get sidetracked by this cause, worthy though it may be. For now, you need to concentrate on your wino friends who live in one of the 39 states protected by direct shipping legislation. There are many distributors online, some of whom will package bottles nicely so as to remind your recipient of its heart-healthy benefits while de-emphasizing its cirrhotic effects on the liver.

When choosing your gift, don’t forget to read the fine print. I was perusing wine.woot.com this morning and saw a 2 pack of 2003 Keller Estate Sparkling Brut. How can you go wrong with a 2 pack? So classy and only $49.99. But then I saw this:wine warning magick sandwich

What?  Am I supposed to call Glenn and tell him to stay sober all day so he can sign for the package? His inability to do so only proves that this is the perfect gift for him! What if Nancy’s been huffing paint? Will the FedEx guy be able to tell the difference between high and drunk? What qualifies him to judge? This is human-rights abuse, pure and simple.

Looks like it’s going to be another year of clean piss in Christmas mugs for my parolee friends and festively wrapped syringes for the junkies. Maybe you’re thinking I should get a better class of friends but it isn’t easy to find people happy to get cheap wine. When everything you drink has a screw top, you appreciate a good cork now and then.

More gift ideas:
Great Holiday Gifts: Bacon Edition
Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!

Copyright Magick Sandwich

 

Don’t Cry for Anthony Weiner

Anthony Weiner wipes away tear

Anthony Weiner is finally going to resign. I think he should have done it much sooner. That he didn’t is an indication of his arrogance; to believe he could stay in office was as delusional as the idea he could take and send photos of his shaved genitalia and never get caught.

There’s already a wave of protest online. He didn’t break any laws. Republicans David Vitter, Mark Sanford, and Larry Craig did not resign over infidelity, soliciting prostitutes and lying about it. This is true, with an important exception. Use of government computers and smartphones to send photos and messages would be actionable.

I’m not convinced that a person who used Facebook and Twitter so inappropriately would be able to control the urge–to draw the line–at the office. I think Mr. Weiner may have known that was going to be exposed in the internal investigation.

Did anyone believe him when he denied sending the first crotch photo but said he could not say with certitude whether said crotch was his? That’s parsing the truth on a Clintonian level.

I just want to pause for a moment to address Ginger Lee, the porn actress who exchanged hundreds of emails with Congressman Weiner.

Gloria Allred Ginger Lee Anthony Weiner

Ms. Lee, he asked you to lie about your communications, offered to get you PR help and sent you a statement to give to the press saying he’d sent you only one short message thanking you for your support.

So you held a press conference with Gloria Effing Allred and announced that he always steered your conversations toward sex. Ms. Lee? You’re a porn star! What else would he talk to you about? Spinoza?

Geez, what a messed up world we live in. Sometimes it seems more suited to a Monty Python skit than to objective reality. It would be funny if it weren’t news. In our post-ironic you betcha society, humor, and self-awareness cede more ground every day to empty heads and earnest ignorance.

In the midst of this, a well-endowed Jewish legislator got caught waving his wiener. At a press conference this afternoon, he will wave the white flag. Hopefully, he’ll keep his pants on this time.

*****
2:25 pm Update:

He just resigned and I have to say that I feel terrible for him. The heckling was obscene. Whatever I feel about this man’s failings, he didn’t deserve that indignity. (Yes, I know how ironic that sounds.) He bore up surprisingly well in the face of inexcusable behavior by many of those in the room. There could have been no more cruel blow to his ego. I’m glad his wife wasn’t there. I hate to think what questions would have been hurled at her. I’m sure there will be much speculation about her absence. I hope they have a supportive group around them. Certainly, none of them were in evidence in that room today.

*****
June 17, 2018 Update:

>Who knew at the time it could get so, so much worse? Apparently, abject humiliation was an aphrodisiac for Weiner. He got off on the Danger, so to speak. On September 10, 2013, he lost the Democratic primary after receiving less than 5 percent of the vote.

On July 31, 2015, Weiner sexted a photo of his erection, mercifully clothed, with his three-year-old son in bed next to him. It surfaced in the New York Post on August 29, 2016. Hours later, his wife announced she was leaving him. Today, Weiner’s son spent Father’s Day visiting his dad in federal prison, where he’s serving a 21-month term for “sexting” a minor.

This dumb prick and his proud owner have wreaked havoc on a global scale. Huma Abedin worked on Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign. Weiner’s use of her work computer to send pics of himself in flagrante de-dick-to enabled the FBI to reopen its fruitless investigation into Clinton’s alleged email server abuse just days before the election and helped Donald J. Trump become president.

Putin, send your thank-you card to: Inmate #79112-054, c/o FMC Devens, Federal Medical Center, PO Box 879, Ayer, MA 01432.

More Weiner:
Weiner Watch 2011
Weiner Watch 2018: Your Dad’s Not So Bad
Anthony Weiner Waves His Wiener Once More
Copyright Notice 2018 Magick Sandwich

pigeons on pilgrim hill

Merde Alors! National Pigeon Day 2011

Gee, has it been a whole year since the New York Bird Club celebrated National Pigeon Day in Central Park? Where does the time go? And why is this holiday, now in its fourth year, still unrecognized by the U.S. government?

June 13, 2011 is the 92nd anniversary of the death of World War I hero Cher Ami. Bird lovers gather to commemorate his bravery and call attention to the plight of pigeons everywhere. That is, except for last year, when it conflicted with the Puerto Rican Day parade. The city showed blatant anti-avianism when granting permits. Thankfully, the date falls on a Monday this year. I’m sure, in any case, that Cher wouldn’t mind.

Ami, a carrier pigeon who valiantly flew on after being shot and suffering a partially severed limb, delivered vital military intelligence to the U.S Army in France in October of 1918. He returned to the U.S. before succumbing to his injuries several months later. He was posthumously awarded the French Croix de Guerre, a medal I’m sure its human recipients were honored to share with a bird. Ami has the singular distinction of also being stuffed and mounted. He forever stands at attention in the National Museum of American History in Washington, D.C.

stuffed pigeon cher ami

I like this pigeon. He acted heroically, unless you require self-awareness to make the decision to go above and beyond the call of duty. Filling a war hero’s body with sawdust must be a high point in the annals of taxidermy but it seems a little callous. This almost overcomes my desire to write about the silliness of creating a holiday to promote pigeon awareness. Almost.

If we accept this precedent, where will it end? Perhaps there should be an official day to make people aware of the dangers of dryer lint catching fire or allowing your kids to eat too much grout. By the way, how much grout is too much? I think just enough to push the marbles and metal shavings through. Thoughts?

Anna Dove, née Augusta Kugelmas, founder of National Pigeon Day, in an interview with the New York Times, likened her efforts on behalf of pigeons to the struggle of Martin Luther King for civil rights. At times, her protests have been less than peaceful. In 2003, she threw birdseed in the face of a Parks Department employee who tried to enforce sanitation restrictions against throwing feed on the ground.

Joanna Tierno, moderator of a pigeon Internet group, compared the birds to Holocaust victims when City Council member James Oddo proposed using a birth control medication called Ovo Control P to reduce the amount of pigeon excrement corroding the infrastructure of the Staten Island Ferry.

Innolytics, the medication’s manufacturer, was a 2010 recipient of The Humane Society of the United States Corporate Progress Award, which recognizes companies that have made demonstrable progress in reducing animal suffering and advancing animal welfare. The ASPCA and PETA also support humane alternatives to lethal bird control. In fact, PETA and the Pigeon Control Advisory Service (PiCAS), a British non-profit organization, actively discourage pigeon feeding.

pigeons up close interview

In Andrew Blechman’s book Pigeons, The Fascinating Saga of the World’s Most Revered and Reviled BirdGuy Merchant, PiCAS founder, states, “A small number of persistent and deliberate feeders are wholly responsible for the pigeon problem throughout the world. They are the pigeon problem. Pigeons overbreed when people overfeed.” Although compulsive feeders see themselves as charitable, Guy thinks them selfish. It’s not enough to simply feed the pigeons, he says. All that does is burden everyone else with cleaning up the resulting mess.

PETA, on its website, has this to say on the subject.

There are people who buy heavy bags of bird seed and walk around New York City, London, and other cities dropping huge piles of it on to public sidewalks and in parks. Naturally, pigeons flock there to eat, and then breed. These people think they are helping, but in reality, they are doing more harm than good….

Have you ever considered asking your local park or city to put up signs discouraging the feeding of pigeons? Have you supported or opposed a local ordinance that would establish mandatory guidelines for feral cat colony management? Can we-who care about and advocate for animals-stop letting irrational impulses dictate our actions toward them?

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Evidence I tried to say it better myself:
June 13 is National Pigeon Day: Ask Your Boss for the Day Off
National Pigeon Day. Again. I’m Not Kidding.
National Pigeon Day 2010: Part One
National Pigeon Day 2010: Part Two

Copyright Magick Sandwich

 

Magick Sandwich

Breaking: Manger Danger!

Pittstown, DE–Is your neighborhood nativity scene safe? Sadly, the answer was no for the Davis family, whose three-year-old daughter, Mensa, was injured last night when a faulty manger toppled onto the youngster.

“We were in the town square watching her throw rocks at squirrels,” her father read from a prepared statement at a press conference this morning. “It’s good for her hand-eye coordination. Then she started to climb up the manger wall. One moment her mother and I were laughing and clapping, the next, tragedy struck. It is unconscionable that the city did not properly anchor the manger to the ground. How could they do that to my little girl?”

Reached by phone, Mensa’s mother stated, “If she doesn’t come out of the coma soon, she’ll lose her spot at Branstone preschool. Her life will be ruined!” She added, “They’re going to pay for this!” before hanging up, overcome with emotion.

Savior Sold Industries, which manufactures the nativity scene, is expected to release a statement later today. This is not the first time the company has had a problem with a defective product. In 2007, it voluntarily recalled its Sweet Jesus Jumbo Tabletop Candy Crèche after a Pekingese choked to death on a piece of myrrh.

In related news, a Wise Man was attacked on December 6th in Baye Village, Ohio. DNA evidence is pending. Local registered sex offenders are being questioned. The manger’s owner, Jerry Smith, has removed the display from his lawn and says it will remain deflated until further notice.

Meanwhile, a church group in Iowa continues its efforts to make peeing on the baby Jesus a felony.Copyright Magick Sandwich