Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!
Great Holiday Gifts: Bacon Edition
Great Gifts for Alcoholics!
3 Great Gifts for Lonely Friends
Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!
We’ve told you how to pimp your vajajay, get gorgeous with crazy beauty treatments, decipher her Valentine riddles, and enjoy some quality alone time with an iTunes app. Now Magick Sandwich brings you this dispatch from our annual genital Olympics.
Our tireless pursuit of hairless pudenda has claimed a hidden casualty. The pubic crab is all but extinct, Bloomberg.com reports, due to our destruction of its habitat. (Where is PETA? Off protesting the eugenics of dog breeding at the Westminster Kennel Show? Are saber-toothed crotch critters unworthy of affection? How species-ist!)
While it may be too late for the littlest victims, we can hide our guilty loins with the Kitty Carpet, a reusable downstairs toupee. A popular style is the Michael Jackson, presumably because it looks like a Jheri curl and is highly flammable.
For the man who has suffered feelings of inadequacy since watching Mad Men (also known as Jon Hamm-feriority complex), there is the faux bulge of Trunk in My Junk, an underwear insert that offers the latest in stealth codpiece technology. Unless she tries to put her hands down your pants.
Also for gents, the soothingly named ballsBalm is a depilatory lotion that comes with a decidedly rough-looking exfoliating glove. The company touts it as an enjoyable adjunct to pleasuring oneself. It sounds like a sadomasochistic way to cut the brush to make the tree look bigger. If sandpapering one’s own gonads was pleasant, Home Depot wouldn’t be able to keep the stuff in stock.
Finally, a product called repHresh uses this cute girl in Groucho glasses to represent other deodorants that mask vaginal odor. Can Mr. Marx’ estate sue? (Please?) While in this case “pH balance” is code for “smelly cooch,” the ad also mentions odor seven times, proceeding from the assumption that women already stink.
Ladies, if you go to all this trouble and your man still doesn’t like it down there, maybe he’s gay!
Whatever’s trending for you, #bush or #bald, we at Magick Sandwich wish you a happy Valentine’s Day. No matter what you’ve got going on, have fun. Go crazy. Tain’t nobody’s business if you do!
I’ve seen some odd stuff–everything from scrotal wash to anal bleach–but never at my local pharmacy. So when Tampax Radiant Tampons turned up at Walgreen’s, it piqued my interest. I found this description on the Tampax website:
“New Tampax Radiant tampons give you an ultimate protection experience like never before!”
Radiant? Does it double as a flashlight? Is it a nuclear energy source? Does it glow in the dark? I have to admit, that could come in handy during a blackout. Or a rave.
“The Radiant tampon features FormFit™ protection that gently expands to fit your unique shape….”
I’ve always assumed that all vaginas are fairly similar. How unique can they be? Square, rhomboid? Surely not fractal?! I don’t know how we’ve survived all these years without this bespoke tampon. I am also glad to read that it “gently expands.” We’ve all had too many of those things going off like airbags up there. Am I right, ladies?
“…a LeakGuard™ braid to help stop leaks before they happen…”
This just seems like a waste of perfectly good extensions.
“…a CleanSeal™ wrapper—the first ever re-sealable wrapper for worry-free disposal…”
Why would we worry? Are we in space, trash floating free in the capsule? Training a cadaver-sniffing canine unit? Camping in bear country? Trying to hide our preoperative female-to-male gender reassignment from friends? (We know who we are.)
“…and a CleanGrip™ applicator designed for incredible comfort.”
This is definitely preferable to DirtyGrip™ or GreasyGrip™ (which are probably already on the market as lube). It sounds a bit like ad copy for a Brookstone personal massager. Still, I’m sure that Tampax has done a lot of research into this truly new and different product and hasn’t just had its marketing department come up with new and different words to sell the same old thing.
So when the woman in the stall next to you breaks into song and yells, “I’m incredibly comfortable!” you’ll know she has a Tampax Radiant tampon to thank.
But you still may want to alert the authorities.
Alert: Adult themes, juvenile language.
Every once in a while, we at Magick Sandwich get down and dirty. This is one of those times. If you’ve never seen a curse word, avert your eyes and log off the internet forever. It’s not a safe space for you.
I’m not sure how I happened upon a listing for Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes, but I do know I never want to eat at the author’s house. The ad copy is priceless. “Semen is inexpensive to produce….” Pretty much free, I reckon. Looking for a use for excess seed? This is your lucky day. Order this book and your wife will never complain about your chronic masturbation again. But you will never look at flan the same way again.
Speaking of sperm, can we please retire the LiveStrong bracelets now? What’s next, a chlamydia bracelet? (Kate Hudson, are you listening?) Lance Armstrong had testicular cancer and then won the Tour de France. So what? He had one ball, people, not one leg.
The wrapper on my toilet paper reads Scott. Common Sense on a Roll. If the benchmark for common sense is not wiping your ass with your bare hand, I think we’re setting the bar a little too low.
Patented ion2 complex™ contains essential ion-mineral conductors that, when activated by the companion moisturizer, create a positive electric micro-current. It’s so gentle you can’t feel it, but you’ll see a resilient, toned, overall more youthful look.
Yes, it’s so gentle you can’t feel it—but your wallet will. Come to think of it, I’m going to go lick a battery and hand myself twenty bucks.
I got an email this morning from Shu Uemura Art of Hair inviting me to “discover our precious ingredients.” Here’s one:
Unpolluted and free of bacteria, Depsea Water is drawn 200 meters beneath the Sea of Japan. Matured over hundreds of years, it is a rich source of essential minerals and nutrients that provide ultimate purity and hydration.
Addressing the dearth of existential jewelry, Meghan Farrell has created a brain-shaped ring inspired by “one of the most influential psychology professors [she] had while at Sarah Lawrence.” That teacher must be so proud. You can get a safety pin necklace that symbolizes security or a profile of a head that represents paying her rent. She’s available for private consultation if you’d prefer a customized design. It’s all the result of the jeweler’s study of auto-kinetic and chaos theories, math and a great big steaming pile of horseshit.
There, I feel better. I pushed that thing out like an ugly baby. If I’ve left you with anything today, let it be this: If you sell it properly, people will pay for the privilege of eating or applying just about anything. Also, I guarantee that the next time you encounter semen, you’re going to think about baked goods. You’re welcome.
First of all, let me point out that unless you’re being tortured–the technical term might be choco-boarding– your ingestion of chocolate could arguably be defined as intentional. But this company goes way beyond that simple definition.
Its founder, Jim Walsh, states: “Whoever consumes this chocolate will manifest optimal health and functioning at physical, emotional and mental levels and in particular will enjoy an increased sense of energy, vigor and well-being for the benefit of all beings.”
This feat is accomplished by having each chocolate prayed over by “advanced meditators — some who have trained with the Dalai Lama — and is delivered with love to those who eat it.” I would hope in addition to love, the Lama taught them to use sneeze guards, rubber gloves and observe the “Employees Must Wash Hands” sign in the company restroom. No offense to these highly-trained love infusion specialists, but I don’t want monk snot or worse on my chocolate.
Still skeptical? It’s been “proven by scientific research to heighten well-being.” In 2007, alternative health journal Explore (which also touts garlic as a breast cancer preventive) reported that a study of 62 people found that subjects who ate the intention-infused chocolate had more energy and better moods after three days than subjects stuck with plain chocolate. Wow, I’m convinced. Imagine what they could accomplish if they prayed for world peace?
The site also asks this deep question. “Why is a home cooked meal so satisfying and healing? Because it was made with love and infused with care.” But my grandparents hated each other. Why didn’t her cooking kill him? Hey, wait a second…he did die, eventually. This Jim Walsh guy is onto something. Just to be on the safe side, make sure someone tickles the chef or slips him a Prozac the next time you’re out to dinner.
Here at Magick Sandwich, we are committed to the social construct known as pube grooming.
We are proud to see that Gillette supports this cause with its online instructional videos for men. It tells men how to shave their faces, backs and chests. But “How to Shave: Shaving Down There” is our hands-down favorite.
“When there’s no underbrush, the tree looks taller.” Wow. That’s subtle.
Oddly enough, for sheer balls, you’ll have to watch the ad that Schick Quattro for Women is running on televisions across our great nation. Stop over at Bee’s Musings to see the incredible shrinking bushes. I have to say I understand the one cropped to a landing strip and the inverted triangle, but the round and square ones? Kinky. Also, where was the topiary that gets pruned to nothing a la the Sphinx? (That’s completely bare for you laymen out there.)
Schick’s website’s tagline is “Because you never know what might happen between shaves.” Yeah, don’t let that spontaneous standup assignation with a busboy in the restroom at Red Lobster catch you unaware. Pubic stubble? Now that would be embarrassing.
You’ll often find at least two women surveying this aisle, unable to find their preferred kind. It’s like a menstrual IQ test. Some use game theory, teaming up to locate each other’s style, be it thick, thin, long, winged, scented or singly wrapped.
A product this personal inspires brand loyalty, but are all these permutations necessary? Can individual requirements be that different? I hope it goes without saying that you should not send your man on this errand. That constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, without a doubt.
Click on the different category headings to find out more. You can also change some of your preferences. Note that blocking some types of cookies may impact your experience on our websites and the services we are able to offer.
These cookies are strictly necessary to provide you with services available through our website and to use some of its features.
Because these cookies are strictly necessary to deliver the website, you cannot refuse them without impacting how our site functions. You can block or delete them by changing your browser settings and force blocking all cookies on this website.
These cookies collect information that is used either in aggregate form to help us understand how our website is being used or how effective our marketing campaigns are, or to help us customize our website and application for you in order to enhance your experience.
If you do not want that we track your visist to our site you can disable tracking in your browser here:
We also use different external services like Google Webfonts, Google Maps and external Video providers. Since these providers may collect personal data like your IP address we allow you to block them here. Please be aware that this might heavily reduce the functionality and appearance of our site. Changes will take effect once you reload the page.
Google Webfont Settings:
Google Map Settings:
Vimeo and Youtube video embeds: