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Magick Sandwich

Don’t Mess with Mamet

It seems Jeremy Piven wished to be excused early from the run of David Mamet’s Speed-the-Plow on Broadway. He was just exhausted and incidentally wanted to attend the Golden Globe ceremony. The schedule was adjusted so that he could attend, tired though he might be, then return and finish his couple of weeks as the lead in the play.

Fulfilling his obligation proved too much for the actor’s constitution. He ditched his well-reviewed role and forced his costars to go on without him. Why? Too much sushi. Somehow he had managed to give himself mercury poisoning.

Forget that the man would hardly have time to utter a line between shoving fistfuls of tuna in his piehole to have that effect. Even if he were sucking, snorting and skin-popping the stuff—I think you catch my drift. Bullshit.

Surprisingly, there was much handwringing done over this. It was taken seriously, with urgent talk of mercury levels, fattiness of fish, highness on the food chain, et cetera. I believe a tuna may have been called in to testify. An order of protection may have been issued.

Whether Mr. Piven could resist the urge to leap facefirst into a sushi bar and wallow, snuffling, in its fleshy delights was a cause for grave concern. Limo routes were adjusted accordingly.

Needless to say, this medical crisis precluded Mr. Piven’s return to Broadway. His experimental chelation therapy via single-malt Scotch had doubtlessly already begun.

At some point, a reporter with Daily Variety thought to ask Mr. Mamet, the play’s author and director, his opinion of Piven’s untimely departure. Mamet said, “My understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer.”

Boom! This is why I love David Mamet. What a perfectly crafted line. I like you, too, Jeremy, but you’re the Tawana Brawley of Broadway. Don’t turn your back; there might be a writer there poised to take your measure.

Copyright Magick Sandwich

3 Uses for September Vogue

3 Uses for September Vogue

3 Uses for September VogueLike all good citizens, you are grateful to all the trees who gave their lives to create your fabulous Fall Fashion issue of Vogue. You want to do your part to make the world a more beautiful place. Go beyond the boring dictates of “reduce, reuse, recycle” with these super new ways to give back:

1) Weapon

Create a real fashion emergency when you swing this 798-page tome at a poorly dressed person. Why send fashion faux pas to Stacy and Clinton at What Not to Wear when you can send them directly to the hospital?

(Tip: Grip the magazine in both hands, above your head, and bring the bound edge down hard to work your triceps and incur maximal head trauma.)

2) Insulation

Show your concern for your fellow man by giving your copy to a homeless man, who can crumple the pages and stuff them inside his clothes for warmth. You’re helping mankind while finding the only way anyone will actually wear those crazy, astronomically expensive outfits. Way to keep him in vogue, girlfriend!

3) Sustenance

Are you hoping for a lucrative career in modeling? Once you’re done reading about that fat pig Keira Knightley, you can stave off your hunger by eating her photos. Remember to chew them slowly, though, with lots of diet soda, so they won’t scratch on the way back up. (Save one to tape in the toilet bowl for extra incentive.) And since fall fashion is all about color, your laxative-induced ass gruel will look pretty, too. Good luck!

Copyright Magick Sandwich

Sucker Files: Q-Link

Straight From the Sucker Files: The Q-Link

Sucker Files: Q-LinkAccording to the April 2008 issue of InStyle magazine, Lindsay Lohan wears a powerful fashion statement.

“The Q-link is a metallic pendant worn near the heart that purports to adapt to your personal energy frequencies.”

Instyle says Madonna wears one, too. I hope this doesn’t clash with the frequencies of her red string anti-evil-eye Kabbalah bracelet. With all this energy bouncing around, can Salma Hayek (another purported wearer) pick up Sirius radio on her dental fillings?

It’s also said that the pendant may help to “ease stress, increase focus, boost energy and enhance overall well-being”. That must be after its energy has helped to boost money directly from the sucker’s wallet.

For a closer look at this harebrained fashion statement, click here. Rest assured, it looks equally at home hanging around the neck of an air-headed celebrity or any denizen of Quark’s bar.

Also available is the Q-Link Golf pendant, which purportedly protects sportsmen from harmful EMF radiation according to this handy equation: “less stress + more focus= lower golf scores”. It could just be that your fellow golfers are laughing so hard, they can’t make the green. But I’m so cynical. I guess it could work, right? Tiger Woods, are you listening?

Copyright Magick Sandwich