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7 Shopping Tips from the September Issues

September is the time of year when fashion magazines try to outdo each other with the “mine is bigger than yours” competition usually reserved for the boys. Vogue won the prize this year at just under two and a half pounds, with 447 of its 584 pages devoted to ad space.

This season’s mandate: appear to acknowledge the recession while repackaging frivolous, insanely expensive items as smart, economical purchases. The following is what I gleaned from the magazines’ advice on how to indulge my inner greedhead in these dark recessionary times. Apparently, saving money involves spending stupid amounts of it.

1. Cunnilingus sells shoes. (Well, duh! Of course it does!)

This ad appeared in Vogue, Elle, Harper’s Bazaar and Allure. Tear it out and watch your significant other search for the shoe, then immediately take you shopping…for anything.

2. Shop your closet.

Everyone knows that when money is tight, we can’t afford to buy head-to-toe designer looks. For this reason, InStyle advises accessorizing the $395 chiffon wrap that is undoubtedly already hanging in your closet with the D-Bag from Tod’s. No, it’s not a feminine hygiene product. It’s a purse which retails for $1,445 and is named in memory of Princess Diana. She would be so proud.


How did shopping my closet get so expensive? The several receptacles I already own are not up to snuff. Who am I to argue with the experts?

3. Indulge in life’s little luxuries.

Vogue writes of the “new economy”:

Irrationally exuberant spending has been replaced by carefully considered decisions about getting our money’s worth–like the smart buys on these pages, made by designers exclusively for Vogue.

One of these “pick-me-ups that won’t bring you down” is a $495 lipstick case.

There’s something so wonderfully ingenious about this invented necessity. I had been unaware that my lipstick case pined for a wardrobe of its own. I’d been considering saving on lipstick by dragging my mouth across a stucco wall for some color. Now I need to steal $500 and shoplift some Revlon in order to feel complete.

4. Consult the stars.

From my horoscope in Allure:

Saturn–the planet that’s caused you misery these past two years–finally does you a favor when it conjoins the Sun in Virgo on the 17th. It’ll still cost you time and money to resolve the issue, but the price is worth it for the peace of mind you’ll get in return.

Fucking Saturn. Even the heavens want me to go shopping.

5. You deserve a piece of the pie, even if you can’t afford a piece of pie.

The normally populist Us Weekly rationalizes deficit spending in its 28-page Fall Style Special, which touts Hilary Duff’s discount duds, then segues into this advice:

Can’t spring for that big designer tote? Help yourself to these hot-label accessories that A-listers adore

They include a $260 Fendi coin purse and a $345 pair of metal and resin (what my people call plastic) Chanel earrings.

6. You’re investing in the future, just not the one you were expecting.

Speaking of Chanel, Us has a two-page spread about the history and production of the 2.55 Chanel bag, so worth it at a cool $2,495. It helpfully lists Chanel’s website so you can order right away. The bag is just large enough to carry your lipstick case, coin purse, eviction notice and tissues to wipe your daughter’s tears when you tell her you can’t afford braces this year.Oh well, maybe snaggle teeth will be in next year. If not, she can always move to England, land of unfortunate orthodontia. You can always pass it down to her. It will hold her dentures quite handily, right next to her broken dreams of a better life.

7. When all else fails, multitask.

Don’t overlook the hidden benefits of your crass materialism. If the amortization of daily usage can’t justify your purchase of a designer Zip-loc with handles, look at that Chanel bag in a new light. Clear some space on your closet rod and those chain straps will make a trendy noose. (Autoerotic asphyxiation not included. Fashion can’t teach us everything.)

More fashion:
Gnashin’ Fashion
3 Uses for September Vogue

Stupid baby names

The Stupid Baby Name Generator or Zuma Nesta Rock Paper Scissors: Home Edition

Remember back in 1987, when everybody gave Woody Allen crap for naming his kid Satchel? What a difference a couple of decades make. In homage to the latest Hollywood couple upping the ante of sadistic baby names, I have come up with a very unscientific method of naming your next living, breathing fashion accessory.

(By the way, Woody’s son was named after Satchel Paige, the legendary ballplayer. He legally changed his name to Ronan Seamus Farrow, and I’m not going to make fun of that because he seems like a great guy from his bio on Wikipedia.)

#1. Pick a place where you had a moment of clarity that put your whole life in perspective.

According to US Weekly‘s baby name expert, Pamela Redmond Satran, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale named their son after a beach in California where Rossdale had a life-altering epiphany.

“He was standing on Zuma Beach in the early morning after working all night as a production assistant on a music video and was quoted as saying he realized he was wasting his time,” Satran says. “He drove up the coast, slept in his car, and started making the moves that would launch his career.”

It’s a good thing for little Zuma that his daddy didn’t figure this out while he was on the john—or maybe he would’ve just named him John, which would’ve been okay. Or Stool. Yup, still better than Zuma.

#2. Choose your favorite famous person.

Nesta was supposedly Bob Marley‘s name before it was changed to Robert by some immigration jackboot who really did us all a favor since Nesta would’ve been harder to read on a blacklight poster and might have provoked subliminal cravings for chocolate syrup or tea in a can.

Of course, it would be most cool to use a name that symbolizes your fight against the Man. For our purposes, let’s include anyone who has used a different name at some point. Do you prefer Cherilyn Sarkisian LaPiere to Cher or Arnold George to Engelbert?

Naming your kid should be fun. I can’t think of anything less fun than spending as much time as I just did to find out that Humperdinck was the real name of a 19th-century composer who adapted Hansel and Gretel for opera. Please, don’t waste your time. Make it up; no one’s looking. One love, indeed.

#3. Name your profession or favorite purported homosexual.

The name Rock “needs no explanation,” given that the baby’s parents are rock stars, Satran says, and the fact that we’re “long overdue for Rock Hudson-inspired revival.”

Let’s face it, Satran is blowing sunshine up our asses with this one. She has no frigging idea what it means. If it means rock star, how could it apply to these bozos? They wouldn’t know rock if it hit them in the face. (Note to self: hit them in the face with a rock.)

If it’s an ode to Rock Hudson, then many closeted performers come to mind. Legal disclaimer: I don’t know why it brings them to mind or if they are indeed in a closet of any kind. I make no claims as to anyone’s sexual preference and no judgments thereof. After all, look at how badly these stupid breeders are screwing up!

So…… I’ve come up with a few choices:

Daytona Cougar Receptionist

Produce Aisle Cassius Mario Lopez

Crack Den Geddy Salad Bar Manager

Did this help you come up with a baby name? Please do share it with me. (Cher/share pun, ha ha, oh no, need more meds). And while you’re at it, I have another question for you all: who the hell is Gavin Rossdale?

Copyright Magick Sandwich