Sandwich Fixins

In an homage* to Mattress Police, in which Diesel “clean(s) out the disorganized sock drawer of [his] mind,” I present the hopelessly derivative yet first ever edition of Sandwich Fixins.

*homage: ten dollar word for theft

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Fun Fact: When I was a teenager, I liked to steal “Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted” signs.

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Psychology Corner: I read somewhere that a purse is a metaphor for a vagina. This is a relief for me since I thought a purse was an actual vagina. Finally, I can stop looking for the prettiest one to put my stuff in.

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Allergy Update: Who needs guns for another Columbine? Just lock all the exits and put a peanut in every lunchbox.

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Literally Speaking: Was Thomas Beatie the world’s first pregnant man? Here’s a handy way to find out:

Was he born with a womb?
Did the baby gestate in that womb?

If the answer to these questions is yes, then no, he was not the world’s first pregnant man! Close but no cigar…even if a cigar is later attached.

Technically, he is the first documented FTM transgendered male-identified person to give birth. No judgment here, people, just a call for precision. Don’t call Guinness just yet.

When I see a natural born dude grow a baby in his abdominal cavity and squeeze it out through his ding dong, I’ll be convinced. Until then, this is just two loving parents having a child together. Who’s wearing the mustache is beside the point.

This answers the great Zen koan, “If my aunt had balls, would she be my uncle?” The answer is yes, but she couldn’t be your Dad.