valentine's day heart

Pimp Your Vajajay for Valentine’s Day!

2021: When I wrote this ten years ago, I had no idea this post would be evergreen. Most things come and go quickly but every product and service I mentioned here is still a thing, a decade later. In fact, it’s become so mainstream that Gwyneth Paltrow’s This Smells Like My Vagina candle is a […]

valentine's day heart

9 Ways to Prevent Your Own Valentine’s Day Massacre

Let’s face it. Valentine’s Day is the cruelest of Hallmark-induced holidays, practically guaranteeing a crappy outcome. Either you’re single and confronted with the perception that there’s something wrong with that, or you’re attached and no matter what you do, it will not be “romantic” enough. Since romance can be largely attributed to the hormonal rush […]

OhMiBod Vibrator iPhone App

Lonely on Valentine’s Day? There’s an App for That

It’s Valentine’s Day again, when lonely souls feel contractually obligated to search for a good time. They need look no further than their smartphones with the OhMiBod app, available since 2012 on iTunes and now, fittingly, on Google Play. This breakthrough for the hands-free onanist allows one to operate one’s vibrator remotely. Designed for touch […]

national simplicity day

Thoreau, Volume 2: Still Sh*tty After All These Years

I had a pretty good idea when I penned Henry David Thoreau: Beloved Bullshit Artist in 2017 for Worldwide Weird Holidays that few would care. But those who did take notice also took umbrage. Some were angry I’d devalued their Thoreau memes, as if such a thing were possible. Another felt I’d insulted the grandchildren […]

Magick Sandwich

My Busy Life

File this one under You Waited Over a Whole Year to Blog and You Did THIS? As a self-involved person—and, really, we all are unless we’re in a dissociative state—I thought, wow, my life is so interesting! Why don’t I share a window into my diseased psyche to show you all the muy importante things […]

Anthony Weiner Watch 2018

Weiner Watch 2018: Your Dad’s Not So Bad

There are all sorts of reasons Father’s Day can suck, most having to do with some combination of unrealized expectations, righteous ingratitude, and too much (or too little) alcohol. But it could be worse: your dad could be Anthony Weiner. Imagine, if you will, that on July 31, 2015, your daddy is babysitting you while your […]

one more stupid baby name

One More Stupid Baby Name

Would the world keep turning without the addition of one more stupid baby name? Thanks to Pete Wentz, we can put off finding out for one more day. He and girlfriend Meagan Camper have named their newborn Marvel Jane Wentz. Was Intellectual Property Infringement already taken? She joins big brother Saint Lazslo and half-brother Bronx Mowgli, who […]

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