Survey Says…?

On occasion, I participate in online surveys. If you’ve read any advertising telling you how much money you can make from filling them out, it’s true. I’m writing this to you from my yacht.

After completing quite a few, and marveling at companies’ need to hear my humble opinions, I felt I’d become something of an expert. At the very least, I was well-versed in answering the demographic questions which precede each one.

Imagine my surprise when I saw this:

survey says
Granted, I’ve seen different iterations of this question over time. It used to be simply: What is your gender? I assumed someone had complained about the plain-spoken rudeness of that when I started to see this variation: Which do you consider yourself? I still found this relatively straightforward. I remained confident of my reply.

But now they ask me this: Which of the following best describes my GENDER? Suddenly I’m confused. Who is doing the describing? If it’s the man who saw me pumping gas, wearing a plaid shirt after I’d gotten my hair cut too short, which way would he lean?

If I’m describing it, how best to judge? I’m not a fan of menstruation, but my junk is on the inside. I watch football but don’t spend all day taking a dump while reading the paper.

I could be a pre-op transsexual. If we haven’t had the surgery, aren’t we all pre-op transsexuals? Where will we get all those testicles? Will they use ping pong balls? Surely racquet balls would be too heavy. And where would we put them? It seems like they’d just be in the way. Why don’t more men wear skirts?

Okay, I don’t have testicles, but does that truly make me female? Wouldn’t a man whose huevos fell victim to an unfortunate threshing machine accident be offended that I’ve made this assumption?

Damn these online taskmasters! Describing, I can understand. I can do that. But best? How can I know for sure?

Copyright Magick Sandwich

3 replies
  1. John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer
    John J Savo, the Authoring Auctioneer says:

    How ridiculous…

    If you have a vagina, you’re female.

    Got a penis? You’re a man. Lost your penis in a tragic accident? You’re suicidal…


  2. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    Barry, that’s what I’ve always suspected. That has to be why men constantly adjust themselves. I used to think all men had saber-toothed crotch crickets and were trying to kill the little buggers by grabbing themselves.

    John, as long as companies strive to make their language as inoffensive as possible, this will be the result.

    Personally, I have a real grudge against automated voices on the phone saying things like, “Oh, by the way….” I don’t need to hear conversational English from a fucking machine!


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