From World Cup to D Cup: Soccer the American Way

V Magazine describes itself as “…a magazine about fashion with a capital F and all the things that go with it: art, music, film, architecture…you name it.” Well, one of those F’s must stand for Football. You know, that other kind with the World Cup and those buzzy horns. It’s a sport that’s been just about to catch on in the U.S. for the past several decades. Yet unlike the metric system, soccer refuses to give up and go away.

In the rest of the world, footballers’ wives and girlfriends, or WAGS, are a subject of great interest. (I blame you, praying mantis queen Victoria Beckham.) V’s issue #66 pokes fun at the phenomenon with a photo spread that mocks the European tabloids. But there’s a twist. All the players and women are actually models. It seems that, like much of the country, V wasn’t interested in the real thing.

And did I mention there’s nudity? What’s more American than that? V may be a cutting-edge publication, but I’m guessing there will be more than one average Joe hunched over in a fancy bookstore, surreptitiously flipping the pages. Here’s my favorite:

She makes multitasking look so classy, doesn’t she? There’s no law against texting while you breastfeed yet, is there? If you’re of a mind to see the others, go to Refinery 29 for the scoop. (Don’t worry, it’s a fashion site, not a porn site.) Some of the pics are not safe for work, but most are a hoot.

Actually, in my Internet wanderings, I did find evidence that there’s at least one American who’s a bona fide soccer fan. It’s the guy who shouted, “USA!” after smashing a pie into the face of an English player who was being interviewed by the BBC. He ran off with his hands held high, no doubt feeling quite proud of himself. Of course, the Brits just laughed it off.

If he’d done that here, he’d be on his way to a secret prison with a sack over his head. Be warned, fella. Don’t bring that behavior back here. We don’t mess around. That’s why we like bone-crunching American football, not some sissy crap where you can’t use your hands. No offense.

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11 replies
  1. slommler
    slommler says:

    Now that is one funny photo shot!! Definitely an experienced multitasker!!! Ha!
    Yes give me the American football…in the snow. Now there's a game!!!

  2. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    I know! I couldn't resist posting it. (I thought about saying Jessica Simpson had a baby, but too many people pick on that dim but sweet girl.)

    Football in the snow–yeah! I used to feel sorry for the players but they make so much money, they should be able to do anything, right?

  3. HermanTurnip
    HermanTurnip says:

    I tried so hard to watch the World Cup, but with the vuvuzela's out in full force I was getting a headache. I had to turn it off, but I would have paid good money to have seen the pie throwing incident. Heh…

  4. Brian o vretanos
    Brian o vretanos says:

    Only the Americans could invent a game that takes 100 men in body armour several hours to move a ball a few yards.

    On the other hand, soccer has to be one of the most pointless and uninteresting games ever. The result seems to depend more on which team is better at not getting caught whilst cheating or maiming their opponents than any kind of skill or strategy.

    That custard pie will probably be the highlight of England's participation in the World Cup.

  5. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    @HermanTurnip: God help us if someone gets the bright idea of bringing vuvuzelas to football over here.

    @Brian: I enjoy watching American football. It's unfortunate that players suffer head trauma and bodily injuries that come back to haunt them. But I guess that's the price of playing a sport for grownups.

    I know some English fans.It's probably a pipe dream that USA could beat ENG and let me rub it in a little.

    PS–The US team just beat Algeria. So we're one step closer to my dream coming true.

  6. lolli
    lolli says:

    You mentioned the American fan with the pie – but not the American who became so irate over vuvuzelas in Germany that he frightened soccer fans at a bar with an axe. I read that one this morning and it still gives me a bit of a chuckle. That would be the result of bringing them here – an increase in the number of serial killers.

  7. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    @lolli: I hadn't heard about the axe-wielding fan. That's a lot more frightening than a whipped cream pie. Why can't Americans behave when they're overseas? We can't very well make fun of soccer hooligans if we have our own!


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