Posts

Mother Lode of Stupid Baby Names

The Mother Lode of Stupid Baby Names

Bad Baby Names

As we wait with bated breath to learn the name Kim Kardashian and Kanye West choose for North West’s little brother (because nothing else is going on in the world), let Magick Sandwich entertain you with its nearly comprehensive yet thoroughly incomprehensible list of stupid baby names and the sadists who came up with them.

Repeat Offenders

Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson named their daughter Maxwell Drew in honor of his dad’s middle name and Jessica’s mom’s middle name, respectively. Son Ace Knute was born 20 months later in 2013. He was named Knute after Eric’s grandfather and Ace after, what? A bandage? Frehley? The Red Baron?

Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale named their youngest son Apollo Bowie Flynn after their mothers’ maiden names. Since their other sons, Zuma Nesta Rock and Kingston James McGregor, were named for Stefani and Rossdale’s favorite places, can we assume they took a secret trip to the moon between tours? (Maybe that’s what split them up–it sucked all the oxygen out of their relationship.)

Soleil Moon Frye and Jason Goldberg have a son, Lyric Sonny Roads, and two daughters, Poet Sienna Rose and Jagger Joseph Blue, names that remind us of ice cream, crayons and paint chips, not necessarily in that order.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin named their son Moses for a song he wrote for Coldplay and daughter Apple because it sounded “lovely and clean,” not because they were on a fruit cleanse or illegally downloading better music onto their iPods. If only their kids could consciously uncouple from their names.

Girls

Jay-Z and Beyoncé liked Blue Ivy, the name they chose for their daughter, so much that they tried to have it trademarked. It had already been taken by a Boston wedding planner. Isn’t there a site they could have checked first? Yes–Trademark Electronic Search System (TESS), in case you ever need it.

Alicia Keys and Swiss Beatz named their daughter Egypt in honor of a life-changing trip. Thank goodness it wasn’t to Bayonne.

Holly Madison, previously one of “The Girls Next Door” known for letting Hugh Hefner play with her lady parts, named her daughter (with Pasquale Rotella, not Hef) Rainbow Aurora. Warm up the stripper pole. Was Inflamed Herpes Sore already taken?

According to Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, they decided to name their daughter Wyatt after coming up with it at a Lakers game. Anything would be preferable to actually watching a Lakers game.

Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard named their daughter Lincoln Bell and claimed it had nothing to do with our sixteenth president. Instead, she was named after Shepard’s first car. If so, it’s a good thing it wasn’t a Gremlin. Then they’d have to explain their kid had nothing to do with a certain beloved movie franchise from the 1980s.

Why did Zooey Deschanel and Jacob Pechenik name their daughter Elsie Otter? Zoey explained on the Today Show, “We just really liked the name Elsie and then we both love otters. They’re very sweet, and they’re also smart.”

Otters are vicious carnivores. Narwhals are cute. Everybody knows that.

At least Elsie is a recognizable name. Blake Anderson named his daughter Mars Ilah. Mars. Ilah. Lorenzo Lamas named his daughter Press. That isn’t even a proper name, is it? Garlic, cider, permanent: those are presses.

Rob Morrow named his daughter Tu. Tu Morrow. What a dick.

Other questionable girl’s names include Arlo Lemoyne Yoko (Johnny Knoxville); Romy Hero (Sam Taylor-Wood); Royal Reign (L’il Kim); Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee); Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette); Maxwell Lue (Lindsay Sloane); Autumn James (Jennifer Love Hewitt); Harper (Tiffani Amber-Thiessen); Harper Seven (Victoria Beckham); and James (Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds).

Boys

Musicians Ciara and Future named their son Future. It’s too bad his dad’s given name is Nayvadius Wilburn. Otherwise, he could be called Future II and that would put us in mind of another beloved movie franchise of the 1980s.

It should come as no shock that Jenelle Evans of “16 and Pregnant” gave birth to son Jace Vahn when she was sixteen. Last year, she had another son and named him Kaiser Orion.

Kaiser joins Banjo (Rachel Griffiths); Kal-El (Nicolas Cage); Bodhi Ransom (Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green); Kase Townes (Jewel and Ty Murray); Meredith Daniel (Jay Mohr), Sundance (Kerri Walsh); Bear Blaze (Kate Winslet); Bear Blu (Alicia Silverstone); Axl Jack (Fergie); Kroy (Kim Zolciak); Zolten (Jillette again); Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz (Beckham again).

Double Winners

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon occupy a category unto themselves: first-timers guilty of multiple offenses after the birth of their twins. They named their girl Monroe after Mariah’s idol, Marilyn Monroe. What inspired them to name their son Moroccan? He’s named after the décor in one of Mariah’s favorite rooms of her $9 million penthouse in New York.

It gets weirder. Cannon bragged that Mariah insisted her Madison Square Garden performance of Fantasy be played during labor, so the twins emerged to the sound of applause.

The Stupid Baby Name Award goes to…

Jeremy Sisto and Addie Layne, who named their daughter Charlie-Ballerina in 2009. They wanted to call her Charlie Kyd, but David Duchovny had already used Kyd for his son. So when their son was born in 2012, they named him Bastian Kick. They reasoned that Kick was close to Kyd and, according to Sisto, “He felt like a ‘B’ somehow … and we went for the B’s,” What, he didn’t deserve a hyphen?

Congratulations,  Moms and Dads! You suck. Luckily, you can afford the therapy your children will require for the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder they will experience after suffering through their childhoods saddled with names so stupid, fruit flies would kill themselves to avoid a lifetime of embarrassment…and they only live a few weeks.

Kids, you can change your name! If you want to mess with your parents’ heads, switch to something even crazier. May we suggest Glyph, Magma, Subvert, Irony, Periodic Table or ellemenopee?

More crazy names:
Stupid Baby Names Generator, or Zuma Nesta Rock Paper Scissors: Home Edition
Stupid Baby Names, Part Duh
Still More Stupid Baby Names

Copyright Magick Sandwich

crybaby stupid baby names

Stupid Baby Names Part Duh

crybaby stupid baby namesAt Magick Sandwich, we’ve been amassing new baby names since our stupid baby name generator featuring Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale posted a year ago.

First up is Bronx Mowgli Wentz, son of soon-to-be split Fall Out Boy Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz. (How do I know they’ll divorce? I’m psychic.)

As Us Weekly reported at the time,

Don’t look for any deep reason the Texas-born Simpson-Wentz and her Illinois-bred husband opted to give son Bronx the same name as an NYC borough. “I think they just thought it was a strong name,” a source tells Us. “I doubt they’ve been to the Bronx.”

Their choice of Mowgli for the baby’s middle name? It shows “they’re huge Disney fans.”

So here’s the formula:

#1. Pick a borough of New York City. No cheating from the bridge and tunnel crowd—you know who you are.

#2. Pick your favorite children’s story character. To make it a little more interesting, it can also be a character from an animated film, a Broadway play, or the name of a company that feasts on parents’ wallets by marketing action figures and toy tie-ins. (But please, no Ewoks or Happy Meals. You need to give your child a fighting chance to live to adulthood.)

Here are a few of mine:

Staten Island Pixar
Brooklyn Paddington Bear
Manhattan Shrek

I actually like those. It almost makes me want to have children. Almost.

Speaking of which, there are already many tots in the world struggling under stupid monikers. Since we have a lot of catching up to do and many of these incredibly stupid baby names conform to no formula, I will have to list them and let them inspire you to come up with your own freestyle concoctions.

In the “I’m with the band” category:

Bandit Lee Way, son of Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance. I’m guessing Dad is a Burt Reynolds fan.

Ikhyd Bronfman, son of Mathangi Maya Arulpragasam and Benjamin Bronfman. No wonder Mathangi prefers to go by her rap name, M.I.A.

Mars joins brother Seven and sister Puma in Erykah Badu’s clan. Mars is kind of cool, but the baby is a girl. Since her daddy is Jay Electronica, is she Mars Electronica or Mars Badu or Mars Badu-Electronica? That must make for an interesting birth certificate.

Now for celebrities trying to prove they’re imaginative by saddling their children with silly names:

Java Kumala, daughter of Josh Holloway of Lost. It’s kind of cute. I can’t wait for Starbucks to name a coffee in her honor.

Huckleberry, son of Bear Grylls of Man vs.Wild. With a dad named Bear, what did you expect? At least they used a boy’s name. Maybe Bear is a fan of Mark Twain. I’m glad he didn’t pick something from Dr. Seuss. Grinch Grylls would have been a little much.

Banjo Patrick, 5, might be a little jealous of his new little sister. His parents, Rachel Griffiths and Andrew Taylor, named her Clementine Grace. Lucky girl!

Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha, daughter of Lilakoi Moon, a.k.a Lisa Bonet. Perhaps Mommy is using an incantation in which the more letters she uses, the better her chances of conjuring up a career.

I’ve saved the best for last. As we all know, Matthew McConaughey is a celebrity, seemingly blessed with more looks than brains. One thing is certain: he’s lucky his mother wasn’t on peyote when she named him as she might well have been when she named his brother Rooster. Now Rooster has continued the family tradition by naming his son Miller Lyte. You just can’t make this stuff up.

Start the therapy fund now, folks.

P.S. Wow! I can’t believe I almost forgot to include Adolf Hitler Campbell, 3, son of New Jersey native and Holocaust denier Heath Campbell. Adolf’s younger siblings are JoyceLynn Aryan Nation, 2, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie, 1, named for Heinrich Himmler.

His parents complain that the local Shop Rite refused to make a birthday cake with “Adolf Hitler” on it. According to a local news article:

The grocer offered to make a cake with enough room for the Campbells to write their own inscription. But the Campbells refused, saying they would have a cake made at the Wal-Mart in Lower Nazareth Township. The Campbells say Wal-Mart made cakes for Adolf’s first two birthdays.

Wal-Mart may have saved the little tyke’s birthday but methinks I spy trouble ahead. Of course, they could always home school the kids. Yeah, that would solve the problem.

Copyright Magick Sandwich