Still More Stupid Baby Names

still more stupid baby names magick sandwichIt’s time for another installment of stupid baby names. Together, we’ll analyze how celebrities choose baby names to accessorize themselves. It’s the ultimate in lifestyle branding. Let’s start with the classics:

Music and Movies

The hits keep coming for Rachel Griffiths. Clementine could be named for a 19th-century song about a drowned woman, or perhaps for the scurvy-curbing Christmas stocking stuffer. Clementine joins her five-year-old brother, Banjo. Rachel might be trying to evoke bluegrass, but all I keep hearing is the theme from Deliverance.

Boris Becker has named his son Amadeus. This may be a hint that Boris would like his son to take up music instead of tennis, or it could be a tribute to the quirky movie of the same name. Then again, it might simply reveal an abiding love of Falco.

Will Ferrell‘s third son is named Axel. Could Will be sending a baby-sized shout out to Axel Rose? (Does Guns’n’Roses need more cowbell?) Or is this a sly reference to Ferrell’s skating moves in Blades of Glory? Can Axel’s brother, Magnus, live up to the promise of his name’s Latin origin, great? I’d wager he’s got a better shot than Banjo.

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden named their first child Harlow Winter Kate, which is not stupid at all compared to their new baby’s name. (More later.) Jean Harlow was an actress who died of renal failure at age 26. But before that, she got to make a lot of cool flicks with Clark Gable, which happens to be Kevin Nealon’s son’s name. Unless Kevin named him for a roofing style, I suggest he arrange some play dates for Gable with Harlow. You never know. Some stupid baby name meta-inbreeding could ensue.


Parents can prove their own intelligence with literary names for their peeing, pooping progeny. They’ll function as a portable Cliff Notes of cool. We turn to Greek mythology for Anne Heche‘s latest issue. Atlas was forced by Zeus to hold up the world. Atlas and his half brother, Homer, will be forced to read about their mom’s time as Celestia or see her on YouTube, channeling her alter ego to Barbara Walters
(with some sophomoric sound effects thrown in for good measure). Sorry, kids.

In this category, we have a stupid baby name for the underachiever: Story. Jenna Elfman is expecting her second child this spring. Hopefully, she’ll aim a little higher this time. As for Story, what is it? Is it a book, a comic, a Scientology handout? It could refer to anything. No pressure, kid! Just smoke some bud and relax!

Geography and Nature

Place names have just been done to death, people. If you must, use my Stupid Baby Name Generator, but be warned! When kid number 19 from Michelle and Jim Bob (Jim Bob!) Duggar of TLC’s 19 Kids and Counting is named Josie Brooklyn, place names have officially jumped the shark. Sorry, Josie! Remember, it’s easy to change your name. Satchel Allen did it and you can, too. You can talk about it in therapy, which hopefully you’ll be able to afford once your mother runs out of eggs.

Naked Chef Jamie Oliver is growing a human garden with Poppy, Daisy and new daughter Petal Blossom Rainbow. Granted, his wife’s name is Jools, but that’s no excuse. Do you want your daughter to be rolling around in the mud with some dirty hippie at a music festival? Is that what you’re wishing on her?

Mr. Oliver is just not famous enough to nab the stupid celebrity baby naming prize: this goes to Nicole Richie for naming her son Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Won’t the kid collapse under the weight of all those names? Is Sparrow an homage to Pirates of the Caribbean? Is James Midnight his porn name? And wouldn’t it be strange if a boy named Sparrow grew up to be hugely fat? (Not that I’m wishing that on him or anything…that would be wrong.) Nicole, your prize awaits: the first three seasons of The Simple Life.

Finally, from the That’s Unfortunate! department comes this announcement, run in Entertainment Weekly:

Grammy-winning album producer Rodney Jerkins, 32, and his wife, singer Joy Enriquez…greeted a daughter, Heavenly Joy, on Nov. 17 in L.A.

That’s right. Heavenly Joy Jerkins. Hey, at least it’s a girl!

More stupidity:
Stupid Baby? Sue Disney
Stupid Baby Name Generator
Stupid Baby Names, Part Duh
The Mother Lode of Stupid Baby Names

Copyright Magick Sandwich

26 replies
  1. tink
    tink says:

    Firstly, I love your blog. Secondly, I have a signed photo of Benny Hill next to my computer desk which he sent me when I was seven! (R.I.P. Benny – we still love you!) And thirdly, the reason for my post, is that, whilst I agree wholeheartedly about the stupid baby names in general, Racheal Griffiths' Banjo would have been (I assume) named after Australia's most famous poet A.B. Patterson whom we call Banjo Patterson. As she is an Aussie, I think it's quite cool actually!

  2. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    C: Thanks! I really had to separate the wheat from the chaff; there were so many equally stupid yet unfunny names that didn't make the cut. BTW: you have the scariest profile photo I have ever seen.

    tink: I am so jealous you got Benny's autograph! I'm sure you're right about Banjo. It's so much easier to make fun of things when I don't know the real story. But here in the US of A, it sounds like a toothless hillbilly. (All due respect to you and Ms. Griffiths–I'm a fan of you both.)

    NGIP: I remember a childhood friend who referred to masturbation as "jerkin' me gherkin." It still makes me giggle. Your pickle reference was all the excuse I needed to put it in print!

  3. slommler
    slommler says:

    This was awesome! Boy I bow to your research skills!! I loved it!!
    What are these people thinking? Oh! That's right! They are actors…they don't think. They need scripts! Someone help them…please!!
    For the sake of the children!

  4. Kissie
    Kissie says:

    Oh please! This is mild compared to some of the names I've heard in the past year or so.

    My first granddaughter will be here in about a month and her mother is set on the name, Kassidy. I've heard the name before but definitely not spelled with a "K'….I've already determined I will call her Kassie.

    But, that's not even as bizarre as some of the the ones I've heard before.

    How's this one for you? Abcde – I even mentioned this in of my previous posts because I could not and still cannot believe some name their child (ab se dee).

    Now if you can guess this one, you are more clever than I suspect.

    Yes, that's a name.

    At least the names here can be led back to something – some theme, person, or idea…..

    Now let me, Kissie, go find something else to do. ;-)

  5. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    SueAnn: We can only hope that their fame keeps their kids from being beaten up in a schoolyard.

    Kissie: You're right, of course. Nokia is a bad one I've heard. One day in the drustore, I heard a woman calling out, "Charmin!" I thought she was expecting the toilet paper to answer her back and tell her where it was. Then I realized she was calling her daughter.

  6. HermanTurnip
    HermanTurnip says:

    This topic is relevant to my interests…

    Having just had a child (well, actually the wife had him. He's going on 12 days old now), I thought I'd share his name (redacting the last name of course):

    Tyler Durden S.

    What can I say? I'm a huge Chuck Palahniuk fan.

    I'm surprised the wife agreed to it, but that's yet another reason I love her :-)

  7. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    HermanTurnip: Congrats! I think that's a way cool name. (Hopefully, he won't grow up to be a bare knuckle fighter with multiple personalities.)

    I'm grateful you didn't name him Chuck Palahniuk S. And yes, your wife sounds awesome. You're a lucky man.

  8. Unfinished Rambler
    Unfinished Rambler says:

    I know of one family around these parts who named their children after coffees and teas. I think Mocha and Latte were among them, and I also think the parents have a serious caffeine problem. I mean, I like Mountain Dew, but I'd never name a child that.

  9. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    Unfinished: But Mountain Dew Code Red? That might be cool. Those parents need to stop going to Starbucks, or their next kid might be named Espresso Double Shot with Whip. Wait, that sounds like a good porn name. Seriously, though, those people are crazy and their kids are going to get some inventive name-calling in the future.

  10. Kissie
    Kissie says:

    OMG! Tink is right. I know a couple of school teachers and I always look forward to hearing the latest names on the roll.

    But, I recently told a colleague (because of your post) about the name and she told me she received an email from someone like that and the woman was annoyed because my coworker didn't realize the dash was silent!

    @Tink, I'm not nearly as good as you. I haven't a clue about that "." – but, please give me a second to think about it.

  11. tink
    tink says:

    Actually, Kissie, I already gave it away…

    . (Dot – get it??)

    I am also a school teacher and I get some good ones too. The best I've had is probably "Heaven-Leigh" (which she sure WASN'T!)

    I've got twins at the moment in my class – Cherry-Lyn and Cherry-Rose (but I guess some people would think that's kinda cute..?Not me)

    I've also got a Kassidy (with a K).
    I've known a Steel, an Edge, a Thor and a Seagull.


  12. Kissie
    Kissie says:

    @Kath, Nooooo, don't give them any ideas! Let 'em stick to the names of cars, seasons, months, etc….no texting lingo please!

    @Tink, is it Dot? That's too simple. Our kids will be the new Morse code at this rate.

  13. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    Kissie and tink: Wow! Those are good. I used to work for a pediatrician and he had 3 sibling patients named Joplin, Homer and Parsley. Only Parsley was a girl. We also had a kid named Arthur King–pretty mild, but every time he ever fills in a form last-name-first, first-name-last, the form will read King Arthur.

    This has been a real learning experience for me. Any more weird names to report?

  14. Brian o vretanos
    Brian o vretanos says:

    I must admit that although at first glance a lot of names seem crazy, I think it's good that new names are being invented – after all, some of the old ones must have seemed strange hundreds or thousands of years ago.

    I'm surprised that none of your commenters have mentioned "Moon Unit"…

  15. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    Brian: Good point: I discussed the Zappa kids after my last baby name post. I give them a pass. They've lived up to the uniqueness of their names. (Dweezil's given name was Ian, but he changed it to his nickname at a later date.)

    And you're right, of course, every name had to be a new one at one time. But it doesn't follow that each one was laughable at the time of its inception. Petal Blossom Rainbow, I'd wager, will never find its way into common usage.

  16. Lex
    Lex says:

    Fact: Magnus is a name worthy only of a mighty king, or the son of our generations greatest comedian.

    Fiction: I did not name my first born "Lance Stationary"

  17. Stephanie
    Stephanie says:

    Actually, Clementine isn't that bad. It would be better if it were written with the French accent (and also pronounced French, it's very pretty!). It's a common name in France: Clémentine. Or Clémence, and all the girls' friends call them Clem. Clément is the boy version.


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