humor Archives - Page 11 of 11

Je suis arrivée!

June 10, 2008

I have arrived! This is such a proud moment for me. I received this email from BlogRush today, a wonderful company that helps bloggers get more traffic in exchange for putting a large link on their sites.

This message is to inform you that
we have carefully reviewed your blog:
Magick Sandwich
And your blog did not meet the
strict BlogRush quality criteria.

Reason Your Blog Wasn’t Approved:
Inappropriate Content Or Advertising: Obscene or Disgusting

Therefore, your blog has not
been approved for use in our network.
Please do not take this decision personally.
We have decided to only approve the highest quality blogs
for our network.
You should remove the BlogRush code from your blog’s pages.
If you improve the quality of your blog, and you feel that
it then meets our strict criteria,you can try and resubmit your blog for review after 30 days.
Thank you for your interest in BlogRush.
Best Regards,The BlogRush Team.

Oh my God, this is so exciting—my content is obscene or disgusting! Not to quibble, but obscenity and disgust aren’t mutually exclusive, are they?

But this is not a wholesale rejection. If I can “improve the quality” of my blog, I can reapply after thirty days. Does this mean I just need to be more tastefully obscene? What does this word mean, anyway?

obscene adjective:
1. designed to incite to indecency or lust; “the dance often becomes flagrantly obscene”-Margaret Mead 2. offensive to the mind; “an abhorrent deed”; “the obscene massacre at Wounded Knee”; “morally repugnant customs”; “repulsive behavior”; “the most repulsive character in recent novels” [syn: abhorrent] 3. suggestive of or tending to moral looseness; “lewd whisperings of a dirty old man”; “an indecent gesture”; “obscene telephone calls”; “salacious limericks” [syn: lewd] WordNet® 3.0, © 2006 by Princeton University

Wow. That sounds like a review of Pink Flamingos. I’m not fit to touch the hem of Mr.Waters’ raiment: he is the Jesus of filth. How will I know when I’m being obscene? Like Justice Potter Stewart, will I know it when I see it? I certainly can’t imagine how to reverse something like disgust. Frankly, I’m a little thrilled to excite such a strong emotion.

Somehow, this is like the maxim that until you are mugged, you are not a real New Yorker. I prostituted myself to BlogRush and they said, “No, thanks, come back when you’ve washed up.” Now I can say I’m a real Blogger. (And I can get rid of that frigging link!)

Idiocracy Now Qualifies as a Documentary

June 10, 2008

The movie Idiocracy will get a second chance with American audiences during its upcoming release as a documentary, say Hollywood insiders. Overlooked during its initial run as a comedy, critics found the plot too far-fetched, with a pro wrestler as president and a dumbed-down future in which Ow, My Balls! was the highest-rated TV show on Earth.

Thanks to the behavior of our president and the pretenders to his throne, this scenario is more “near-fetched”—to borrow from George Carlin—than ever. President Bush appears on Deal or No Deal.

Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain pander to the fans on WWE RAW. Barack bowls. Hillary does shots.

Although Idiocracy is set 500 years in the future, it seems that our political hopefuls are appealing to the movie’s constituency right now. Are we that stupid? There are ow-my-balls-ish signs: Farmer Wants a Wife, Living Lohan, a hundred seasons of America’s Funniest Home Videos and counting. Et tu, Tom Bergeron?

Are the candidates that stupid? For an amusing yet sobering answer, check out this collection of the 2008 campaign’s most embarrassing moments.

Personally, I’m holding out for the La-Z-Boy with a toilet in it. Adult diapers were a good first step, but I believe in American ingenuity.

Now there’s a throne we can believe in.

Bush Saves Social Security?

May 23, 2008

“There’s not going to be enough people in the system to take advantage of people like me.”
— George W. Bush, on the coming Social Security crisis, Wilton, CT, June 9, 2000

At times, our 43rd president can be somewhat inscrutable.(I say this because it sounds so much smarter than subliminable.) The above quote came from the Bushisms calendar on my husband’s desk. He read it to me yesterday and I responded with my usual, head-slappingly astonished, “What?”

But then a strange thing happened…I began to parse Bush’s message. In fact, I think it was prescient. Just a few years later, Bush initiated what may end up being the longest and most costly war in our history. He has already ensured that many of the young men and women who serve our country will never live long enough to qualify for Social Security. Maybe this is what he meant all along! It’s something to think about this Memorial Day weekend. That draft-dodger could be a genius!

I may have misunderestimated him.

Bill O’Reilly Cures Depression

May 15, 2008

Yes, dear imaginary reader, I’ve been feeling Too Bummed to Blog, which should be listed in the DSM-IV. (If you don’t know what the DSM-IV is, wiki it, okay? I don’t have the will to explain.)

This is one of those times when subscribing to updates from Funny or Die pays off. Part of the allure must be its name, which appeals to both ends of my psychic teeter-totter. Checking email requires a vanishingly small amount of volition; clicking a hyperlink burns less than a mental calorie. Even I can handle that.

The site’s recording of an actual call to Des Moines Police Dispatch by an officer being hit with an M&M is priceless. (Update: While the audio is no longer available, you can still find the news story here. I wonder if the college student arrested for the assault has had trouble finding employment because of his criminal record. As I write this nine years later, I realize how unfunny that run-in would be today.)

That leads me to the video of a Bill O’Reilly meltdown, which is pure audiovisual Prozac. I guarantee it will warm your cockles, wherever they may anatomically be. By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask you: when are you going to get around to washing those? They’re starting to reek.

In fact, if you suffer from a mood disorder of any kind, I highly recommend signing up for Funny or Die’s newsletter. Of course, the NSFW Will Ferrell “Landlord” video is deservedly the site’s most famous offering. But even the lame bits beat any spam from Nigeria or one of your buddy’s latest computer virus warnings. (“Somebody checked it out on snopes.com, so it must be true!”)

N.B. If you’re still feeling down, maybe Bill’s rant wasn’t enough for you. In this case, I would prescribe Top Ten Angry On-Camera Meltdowns, stat. If you’re still depressed, call 911. I’m not a miracle worker.

Best Suicide Note Ever!

May 9, 2008

Proper execution (pun intended) is crucial for the note’s irony to be appreciated, considering the decedent’s inability to explain.

Typewritten, in a sealed envelope found in a pocket, are the words,

“I was cleaning my gun when it accidentally went off.”

Reduce Your Carbon Footprint – Don’t Breed!

May 8, 2008

I have wondered what legacy I will leave behind, having borne no children. There is the unsung heroism of not passing on my own unpalatable genetic soup to future generations. (Since women in my family tend to start menopause young, I see Mother Nature as a lifeguard trying to hustle us out of the pool.) But really, other than money, time to travel, intact abdominal muscles, an unscathed perineum and the same complement of stretch marks since puberty, what’s in this childless lifestyle for me?

I have found the answer! By remaining childless, I have reduced my carbon footprint to the tune of every generation of progeny who might have continued to breed until global warming requires the evolution of gills. By my reckoning, I have earned the carbon footprints of all those unborn children. This is the ultimate carbon offset—I can drive an SUV to the catalogue-choked mailbox at the end of my driveway, charter flights to fly in circles with loads of bricks just to burn fuel and roll flaming rubber tires into the rainforest without guilt. It’s a free pass!

In fact, since the only thing I will leave to posterity is my carbon footprint, I’d like to make it as large as possible. And I’d also like to offset that big dark imprint on the posterior of the next person who assumes that every woman must want to have children or that the world can be saved by wearing vegan shoes.

While we’re at it, what the heck is a “vegan shoe”? Does it not eat meat?

Celebrity News of the Future

May 7, 2008

After years of erratic behavior, it has been confirmed that Gwen Stefani‘s children are suffering from what is becoming known as Fetal Peroxide Syndrome. Christina Aguilera and Gwyneth Paltrow have been notified along with a long list of stars, who now have their children under close observation.

Seriously, am I the only one who has looked at these pregnant stars and been surprised that they never show roots? They’re eating brown rice and drinking water made from the tears of Tibetan monks, but they’re still having chemicals marinate on their scalps through every trimester?

Expectant mothers are put through hell these days, filled with fear about alcohol, second-hand smoke and stress hormones affecting the fetus. Ask a woman who can’t or won’t breastfeed what kind of crap she takes from other people. Think about women watching their diets because eating peanuts or tomato sauce might give the baby a rash or diarrhea when they breastfeed.

Meanwhile, these stars are on the cover of US Weekly being hailed as earth mothers while they’re expressing Nice’n’Easy into their babies’ mouths. Give me a break.

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