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still more stupid baby names magick sandwich

Still More Stupid Baby Names

still more stupid baby names magick sandwichIt’s time for another installment of stupid baby names. Together, we’ll analyze how celebrities choose baby names to accessorize themselves. It’s the ultimate in lifestyle branding. Let’s start with the classics:

Music and Movies

The hits keep coming for Rachel Griffiths. Clementine could be named for a 19th-century song about a drowned woman, or perhaps for the scurvy-curbing Christmas stocking stuffer. Clementine joins her five-year-old brother, Banjo. Rachel might be trying to evoke bluegrass, but all I keep hearing is the theme from Deliverance.

Boris Becker has named his son Amadeus. This may be a hint that Boris would like his son to take up music instead of tennis, or it could be a tribute to the quirky movie of the same name. Then again, it might simply reveal an abiding love of Falco.

Will Ferrell‘s third son is named Axel. Could Will be sending a baby-sized shout out to Axel Rose? (Does Guns’n’Roses need more cowbell?) Or is this a sly reference to Ferrell’s skating moves in Blades of Glory? Can Axel’s brother, Magnus, live up to the promise of his name’s Latin origin, great? I’d wager he’s got a better shot than Banjo.

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden named their first child Harlow Winter Kate, which is not stupid at all compared to their new baby’s name. (More later.) Jean Harlow was an actress who died of renal failure at age 26. But before that, she got to make a lot of cool flicks with Clark Gable, which happens to be Kevin Nealon’s son’s name. Unless Kevin named him for a roofing style, I suggest he arrange some play dates for Gable with Harlow. You never know. Some stupid baby name meta-inbreeding could ensue.

Literature

Parents can prove their own intelligence with literary names for their peeing, pooping progeny. They’ll function as a portable Cliff Notes of cool. We turn to Greek mythology for Anne Heche‘s latest issue. Atlas was forced by Zeus to hold up the world. Atlas and his half brother, Homer, will be forced to read about their mom’s time as Celestia or see her on YouTube, channeling her alter ego to Barbara Walters
(with some sophomoric sound effects thrown in for good measure). Sorry, kids.

In this category, we have a stupid baby name for the underachiever: Story. Jenna Elfman is expecting her second child this spring. Hopefully, she’ll aim a little higher this time. As for Story, what is it? Is it a book, a comic, a Scientology handout? It could refer to anything. No pressure, kid! Just smoke some bud and relax!

Geography and Nature

Place names have just been done to death, people. If you must, use my Stupid Baby Name Generator, but be warned! When kid number 19 from Michelle and Jim Bob (Jim Bob!) Duggar of TLC’s 19 Kids and Counting is named Josie Brooklyn, place names have officially jumped the shark. Sorry, Josie! Remember, it’s easy to change your name. Satchel Allen did it and you can, too. You can talk about it in therapy, which hopefully you’ll be able to afford once your mother runs out of eggs.

Naked Chef Jamie Oliver is growing a human garden with Poppy, Daisy and new daughter Petal Blossom Rainbow. Granted, his wife’s name is Jools, but that’s no excuse. Do you want your daughter to be rolling around in the mud with some dirty hippie at a music festival? Is that what you’re wishing on her?

Mr. Oliver is just not famous enough to nab the stupid celebrity baby naming prize: this goes to Nicole Richie for naming her son Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Won’t the kid collapse under the weight of all those names? Is Sparrow an homage to Pirates of the Caribbean? Is James Midnight his porn name? And wouldn’t it be strange if a boy named Sparrow grew up to be hugely fat? (Not that I’m wishing that on him or anything…that would be wrong.) Nicole, your prize awaits: the first three seasons of The Simple Life.

Finally, from the That’s Unfortunate! department comes this announcement, run in Entertainment Weekly:

Grammy-winning album producer Rodney Jerkins, 32, and his wife, singer Joy Enriquez…greeted a daughter, Heavenly Joy, on Nov. 17 in L.A.

That’s right. Heavenly Joy Jerkins. Hey, at least it’s a girl!

More stupidity:
Stupid Baby? Sue Disney
Stupid Baby Name Generator
Stupid Baby Names, Part Duh
The Mother Lode of Stupid Baby Names

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Magick Sandwich

Sandwich Fixins #7

Refrigeration broke down on the Magick Sandwich delivery truck and all the yummiest stuff got spoiled. So it’s back to salt and ketchup packets today, as we give you another handful of fixins:

How much waste is created in the making of those high-minded recyclable shopping bags? They’re everywhere. Do you think Rite Aid cares if they’re made in China through child labor? Does Whole Foods ensure the resulting toxic run-off doesn’t end up in our water supply? The regular plastic ones are still made, too, and thanks to their high percentage of recycled material, they have to be doubled to keep from breaking two steps out of the store. Yeah, this is working.

At what point will we admit that these pathetic efforts are like putting a band-aid on an avulsive wound? It might make us feel better but the patient is still bleeding out. Of course, the earth will rebound once it has shaken us off like fleas from a dog’s back.

*****

On a related subject, I’m getting sick of environmental groups saying that Americans use too much toilet paper. Here I draw the line. Isn’t it enough that we use recycled paper that gives us a spa-worthy exfoliation of our collective ass cracks? I don’t need Sheryl Crow or Laurie David or Joe Treehugger inviting themselves into my bathroom.

I also don’t want to stand downwind of them. When they sit down, do they crunch? I wonder how much waste water is generated from the extra detergent it takes to remove all those skid marks. From where I sit, the amount of toilet paper I use is just enough.

*****

Note to autoerotic asphyxiators: don’t forget the lime! You bite down on the lime at the moment of climax to wake yourself up before you die. I saw it on an old episode of CSI. You can get a lot of useful information from that show.

The world might still have David Carradine and Michael Hutchence if only they’d had a small wedge of tangy citrus. Or a spotter.

*****

I am viscerally creeped out by John Travolta’s hairline. It gives me goosebumps. Does he use a stencil and spray-on hair in the front? Or is he the first human Chia pet? It could be a Scientology thing: maybe that’s how they all look on Xenu‘s home planet.

*****

Overheard in the post office:

“They call it settling like with cereal so they don’t have to give you a full box. Or like you have a bottle of Snapple that isn’t completely filled. They say it needed air. But they’re just ripping you off.”

That guy should be in a think tank somewhere. Then “they” should fill the tank with water and leave him for dead.

*****

I’d like to end the week with a pet peeve. Please feel free to add your own.

Why do fancy restaurants grind pepper and dust my pasta with Parmesan? Are they adding value to my dining experience? Do they think I’ve never done this myself or won’t do it properly and thereby ruin the chef’s work of art? Are they trying to dictate how their dishes are garnished? Or maybe it’s a cost-saving measure, à la McDonald’s Ray Kroc: don’t give them condiments unless they ask for them.

I happen to be a person who likes a lot of pepper and grated cheese, so I’ll have that poor waiter grind away over my plate until he has carpal tunnel syndrome and other patrons are staring at me, judging me crass, low class, piggish, as if I’d ordered a steak at Peter Luger and asked for A-1 sauce. Or had a cheese souffle at the Plaza and covered it with ketchup.

My feeling is this: once I’ve ordered, this is my food and I can do whatever the hell I want with it. If that happens to mean I use a lobster as a dancing puppet at Oyster Bar—true story—then so be it. Leave the fixins on the table and step back. The fun’s about to begin.

More fixins:
Sandwich Fixins #4
Sandwich Fixins #5
Sandwich Fixins #6

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