3 Uses for September Vogue
Like all good citizens, you are grateful to all the trees who gave their lives to create your fabulous Fall Fashion issue of Vogue. You want to do your part to make the world a more beautiful place. Go beyond the boring dictates of “reduce, reuse, recycle” with these super new ways to give back:
1) Weapon
Create a real fashion emergency when you swing this 798-page tome at a poorly dressed person. Why send fashion faux pas to Stacy and Clinton at What Not to Wear when you can send them directly to the hospital?
(Tip: Grip the magazine in both hands, above your head, and bring the bound edge down hard to work your triceps and incur maximal head trauma.)
2) Insulation
Show your concern for your fellow man by giving your copy to a homeless man, who can crumple the pages and stuff them inside his clothes for warmth. You’re helping mankind while finding the only way anyone will actually wear those crazy, astronomically expensive outfits. Way to keep him in vogue, girlfriend!
3) Sustenance
Are you hoping for a lucrative career in modeling? Once you’re done reading about that fat pig Keira Knightley, you can stave off your hunger by eating her photos. Remember to chew them slowly, though, with lots of diet soda, so they won’t scratch on the way back up. (Save one to tape in the toilet bowl for extra incentive.) And since fall fashion is all about color, your laxative-induced ass gruel will look pretty, too. Good luck!
All this time and I’ve been wasting it carrying my Colt 357. Oh, and my photo of Amy Winehouse.
That is TOO funny! But I need advice, is it too passé to do the Vogue dance while holding the monstrous sized Vogue? If you consider it a workout? And if not, does it matter what I wear?
Dana, hiding a weapon is such a stylish idea. I’ll have to wait, though. I promised the Mexican family I smuggled across the border that they can stay in it until the end of the month. They paid their rent. It’s only fair.
Laura, honey, if Voguing is wrong, I don’t ever want to be right! Just don’t attempt it near loved ones or china. Studies have shown it burns many more calories than voguing alone. I’ve found a lovely quote from Rush Limbaugh that sums up my love for this forest-killing fashion magazine.
“The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down.”
Would it be considered unfashionable to use it as a weapon on Stacy? I hate her. With that damn skunk hair of hers she has no business giving out fashion advice anyway. And she needs to eat a sandwich.
I use mine as a booster chair and step stool as needed. It’s a life saver for a shorty like me. :p
jce, I kinda like Stacy. She seems to have come by her sarcasm the hard way, by being ridiculed when she was younger. The giggle is really annoying, though.
chat blanc, if you add the rest of the fall fashion mags to your stack, you should be able to reach high enough to touch the face of God.
Or maybe even high enough to touch the ego of Anna Wintour.
I’ve been trying to figure out ways to eat Kiera Knightly without violating my restraining order.
Thanks for the tip!!
moooooog35, you naughty, naughty boy!