7 Signs I’m Getting Old

1. I’m not sure if I’m middle-aged because I don’t know when I’m going to die. But with every birthday, the conceit gets closer to science fiction.

2. Two years ago, my husband and I went to an Ozzy Osbourne concert at Madison Square Garden. We were deaf for three days afterward and decided (à la Danny Glover) that we were “getting too old for this shit.”

Next week, we’re going to Radio City Music Hall to hear Karl Rove debate James Carville. I am so stoked. If Carville says my favorite line, “I wouldn’t piss down his throat if his heart were on fire,” I’m going to throw my bra onstage.

3. We’re big boxing fans. We saw the first Mickey Ward v. Arturo Gatti fight from the third row. We could smell the blood. I used to box with a personal trainer for fun. Now I get tired out after three rounds of boxing on the Nintendo Wii. I can taste the blood.

4. I consider a good bowel movement a major accomplishment. Not because I’m constipated, just because it’s creative.

5. If I ever lose my mind, I want to make sure I’m still patriotic. So my Living Will stipulates that my caregivers dress me in the following shirt.

6. When I die, I want to be buried in Florida. I’ll finally own real estate that even Disney can’t build on. That’s power.

7. I want my tombstone to say this:

7 signs I'm getting old tombstone no afterlife
Then again, maybe I’d rather it say something simple, like this:

7 signs I'm getting old tombstone worms
I can’t decide, you see. I’m getting old.

By the numbers:
7 Good Band Names
9 Ways to Prevent Your Own Valentine’s Day Massacre

Copyright Magick Sandwich

23 replies
  1. Bee
    Bee says:

    Being young is overrated. I always think about that scene in Fried Green Tomatoes where Kathy Bates plows into a convertible owned by a young skinny witch and she says “I’m older so I have more insurance” take that youth of today!! What was I talkin’ about?

  2. unfinishedrambler
    unfinishedrambler says:

    Did Carville actually say that? And to whom was he referring? Just curious. Do you think that he’ll see directly to the Karlster? (I don’t know what his real nickname is…asswipe?)

    Oh, love No. 5.

  3. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    @unfinished: It’s been attributed to him about everyone from George H.W. Bush to Lee Atwater. But he actually said it about Hamilton Jordan when he was asked if he would pick up the former adviser to Ross Perot for Bill Clinton’s campaign.
    Oh and he said “was”–sorry I inadvertently cleaned up his grammar.

    Charlie Rose will be mediating the debate between Carville and Rove. They’ll all be onstage together. I’ll have to make sure I lob my bra in the right direction.

  4. ettarose
    ettarose says:

    Oh the follies of youth. I am not sure why the body betrays us the way it does. In my feeble mind I am still 25, my body? Not so much. I loved the tombstone “worms tickle” Hilarious.

  5. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    @ettarose: Too true. To be honest, I really don’t want to be buried in Florida. I want to be cremated and have my ashes flung into the air from a taxi driving up Madison Avenue. I want to get into all those rich people’s lungs and make them cough.

    My husband knows this but is worried about getting arrested for complying with my wishes. My mother says she’ll do it if she’s still alive.

    So that’s the plan. I do really like the tombstone, though.

  6. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    @NannyGoats: It’s going to be rough. I hope they have a metal detector at the door just in case I can’t overcome my urge to bring a set of throwing stars.

    @John: Thanks. The sad thing is how boring my bras look now. I hope James will still appreciate it.

    @Starcasm: How did you know I’m hankering after that t-shirt right now. It would be right up there with my “I bought Christopher Reeve’s wheelchair on eBay.” They’re both from t-shirthell.com. Fun to wear but you get some hard stares.

  7. ~Static~
    ~Static~ says:

    Getting old is great! Why it means we can do things and get away with it like we did when we were kids. Why just like…eh, I forget, because I’m OLD!

  8. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    @Static: Have you ever noticed an elderly person let out a really loud fart and not react at all. Then if you look at them, you could swear they think they’re pulling some kind of Jedi mind trick–“This is not the fart-blaster you are looking for”?

  9. moooooog35
    moooooog35 says:

    I was discussing my tombstone with my wife the other day (she’s plotting to kill me).

    I’m torn between these two:

    “What an asshole.”


    “Heaven’s got strippers!!”

  10. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    @C.B.Jones: You’re right. When we saw him at MSG, it was his 50th performance on the tour. His voice was shot. I think Sharon is going to milk him until he drops dead. Could it be payback for when he tried to kill her?

    @Da Old Man: tshirthell.com makes this and many other tasteless choices. I’m afraid I might get attacked if I wore this one in NYC.

    @moooooog35: Let me know what you decide. I look at it as my final caption.

    P.S. My husband had on Corpse Tech (I think on the History Channel) so I learned all sorts of crap about how much concrete is buried underground and how coffins collapse under the weight of earth before I accidentally erased it from our TiVo. He tried to find another airing but no dice. So the tombstone convo would have been preferable to me.


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