7 Shopping Tips from the September Issues

September is the time of year when fashion magazines try to outdo each other with the “mine is bigger than yours” competition usually reserved for the boys. Vogue won the prize this year at just under two and a half pounds, with 447 of its 584 pages devoted to ad space.

This season’s mandate: appear to acknowledge the recession while repackaging frivolous, insanely expensive items as smart, economical purchases. The following is what I gleaned from the magazines’ advice on how to indulge my inner greedhead in these dark recessionary times. Apparently, saving money involves spending stupid amounts of it.

1. Cunnilingus sells shoes. (Well, duh! Of course it does!)

This ad appeared in Vogue, Elle, Harper’s Bazaar and Allure. Tear it out and watch your significant other search for the shoe, then immediately take you shopping…for anything.

2. Shop your closet.

Everyone knows that when money is tight, we can’t afford to buy head-to-toe designer looks. For this reason, InStyle advises accessorizing the $395 chiffon wrap that is undoubtedly already hanging in your closet with the D-Bag from Tod’s. No, it’s not a feminine hygiene product. It’s a purse which retails for $1,445 and is named in memory of Princess Diana. She would be so proud.

How did shopping my closet get so expensive? The several receptacles I already own are not up to snuff. Who am I to argue with the experts?

3. Indulge in life’s little luxuries.

Vogue writes of the “new economy”:

Irrationally exuberant spending has been replaced by carefully considered decisions about getting our money’s worth–like the smart buys on these pages, made by designers exclusively for Vogue.

One of these “pick-me-ups that won’t bring you down” is a $495 lipstick case.

There’s something so wonderfully ingenious about this invented necessity. I had been unaware that my lipstick case pined for a wardrobe of its own. I’d been considering saving on lipstick by dragging my mouth across a stucco wall for some color. Now I need to steal $500 and shoplift some Revlon in order to feel complete.

4. Consult the stars.

From my horoscope in Allure:

Saturn–the planet that’s caused you misery these past two years–finally does you a favor when it conjoins the Sun in Virgo on the 17th. It’ll still cost you time and money to resolve the issue, but the price is worth it for the peace of mind you’ll get in return.

Fucking Saturn. Even the heavens want me to go shopping.

5. You deserve a piece of the pie, even if you can’t afford a piece of pie.

The normally populist Us Weekly rationalizes deficit spending in its 28-page Fall Style Special, which touts Hilary Duff’s discount duds, then segues into this advice:

Can’t spring for that big designer tote? Help yourself to these hot-label accessories that A-listers adore

They include a $260 Fendi coin purse and a $345 pair of metal and resin (what my people call plastic) Chanel earrings.

6. You’re investing in the future, just not the one you were expecting.

Speaking of Chanel, Us has a two-page spread about the history and production of the 2.55 Chanel bag, so worth it at a cool $2,495. It helpfully lists Chanel’s website so you can order right away. The bag is just large enough to carry your lipstick case, coin purse, eviction notice and tissues to wipe your daughter’s tears when you tell her you can’t afford braces this year.Oh well, maybe snaggle teeth will be in next year. If not, she can always move to England, land of unfortunate orthodontia. You can always pass it down to her. It will hold her dentures quite handily, right next to her broken dreams of a better life.

7. When all else fails, multitask.

Don’t overlook the hidden benefits of your crass materialism. If the amortization of daily usage can’t justify your purchase of a designer Zip-loc with handles, look at that Chanel bag in a new light. Clear some space on your closet rod and those chain straps will make a trendy noose. (Autoerotic asphyxiation not included. Fashion can’t teach us everything.)

More fashion:
Gnashin’ Fashion
3 Uses for September Vogue

9 replies
  1. Nanny Goats In Panties
    Nanny Goats In Panties says:

    584 pages???? Seriously? Hey, is that what "Septemeber Issue" refers to? I haven't seen that movie yet, and don't read a lot of fashion magazines (and it SHOWS), so I have no clue.

    That picture of the oral sex selling shoes? What's that blue thing in her hand? Is that a fat stapler?

  2. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    @Carrie: Back in our day, we couldn't all choose to shoplift the high end stuff–wink, wink.

    @NGIP: September Issue is only about Vogue…and I think that blue thing is a lipstick case.

  3. HermanTurnip
    HermanTurnip says:

    You're totally spot on with these "invented necessities". There's no need for any of this garbage. I used to be a HUGE blu-ray consumer, but in recent months I've found it hard to want to part with my money, and now only pick up perhaps five titles a month. If I'm struggling to justify these meager purchases, how can somebody justify a $500 lipstick case or a $1K purse? I guess it's all about self control.

  4. fracas
    fracas says:

    Umm, no one needs a reason to buy shoes… shoes are shoes and they just call out to us. If they only realized that, they'd not waste money on those ads.

  5. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    @HermanTurnip: You must have an impressive Bluray collection. I try to order and preorder them through Amazon in order to get lower prices on multiples and guaranteed lowest prices. I'll always be an avid consumer but these magazines only exist to create a need where there is none. Their lip service to the recession is sickening.

    @fracas: I've found that a terrible ankle sprain that required physical therapy cured me of the urge to buy high heels. But, even as a heterosexual female, I have to admit those ads caught my eye in every magazine. I barely noticed the shoes at all.

  6. Chuckling in Seattle
    Chuckling in Seattle says:

    What a magnificent series of picks and comments, kathcom. You rock!

    Of course, this just can't be true. Surely, no publisher could put out such tripe and stay in business. You made it all up, you card.

  7. Chuckling in Seattle
    Chuckling in Seattle says:

    What a magnificent post, kathcom. You rock!

    Of course, none of this can be true. Surely, no publisher could put out such tripe and stay in business. You made it all up, you card.


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