valentine's day heart

Pimp Your Vajajay for Valentine’s Day!

2023: When I wrote this twelve years ago, I had no idea this post would be evergreen. Most things come and go quickly but every product and service I mentioned here is still a thing, a decade later. In fact, it’s become so mainstream that Gwyneth Paltrow’s This Smells Like My Vagina candle is a huge seller on her lifestyle/vanity brand, Goop. It has cedar notes, which must come in handy when she’s trying to keep moths out of her cashmere panties. Then there’s her jade egg, purported to balance hormones when inserted in the, well, you know. She had to walk that claim back . . . a little bow-leggedly, perhaps?

But I digress. Without further ado, here is how you can still pimp your vajajay for Valentine’s Day.

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Dear Reader, are you pining for romance this Valentine’s Day? Do you have a guy but your love life is ho-hum? Is he happy to spend all his time uptown? Well, drop those thongs, girls! The Magick Sandwich is going to show you how to put the magic back in your, um, sandwich.

Maybe your sweetheart is acomoclitic. In other words, he prefers and is aroused by hairless genitalia. After a quick Google check to confirm he’s not a registered sex offender, pop some Percocet and head over to your friendly neighborhood waxing establishment. There you’ll pay someone to tear off all your pubic hair while you hold your legs in the air. And not in a good way.

valentine's day heartBut wait, there’s more! There’s a pretty good possibility that you’re going to get a few in-grown hairs. Quelle horreur! Your hoo-hah beautification process has only just begun. Luckily, in the war against unattractive privates, you’ve got weapons.

The folks at Haven Spa in New York offer a first-rate vajacial. The Peach Smoothie promises to “gently cleanse the area with a special exfoliating AHA scrub, followed by an expert application of an acid peel to help free those trapped hairs and blocked pores.” Thank goodness they’re using experts to apply the acid. Have you ever gotten hot sauce in your eye? Imagine it in your crotch.

Once you’re properly denuded, head to Juvenex for its Gyno Spa Cure. This “ancient remedy that Asian cultures have known for centuries” involves squatting over a steaming bucket of water and herbs “to irrigate the vaginal passage and restore optimum health.” (Did you know your vagina was sick?) If you can hold a squat through the twelve recommended sessions, your inner thighs will be hard as rock. If you’re weak, though, you might fall into the bucket and end up with your labia looking like a couple of poached chicken cutlets.

Speaking of womanly wares, have you looked at them lately? Really, really looked? Ladies, there’s only one acceptable hue down there. Otherwise, how could there be such a thing as discoloration? Luckily, a product exists to combat this new source of shame. South Beach Skin Solutions sells a lightening gel that uses sodium hydroxide, also known as lye. The CDC lists it as a hazardous chemical that should not touch the skin. Did I mention that it’s used in drain cleaners and wood strippers? But why be a worrywart? Isn’t the uniform tint of our collective genitalia worth the risk?

My New Pink Button genital dyeNow that you’re bleached, why not choose the perfect new color? My New Pink Button was invented by a paramedical esthetician “after she discovered her own genital color loss.” She gives you several options. There’s the Marilyn, the lightest shade, for a subtle change. Bettie is hot pink, Ginger is rosy and Audrey is a bold burgundy. (I’ll never see Breakfast at Tiffany’s the same way again.) One blogger tried it and said the powdered dye tastes suspiciously like Kool-Aid.

While we’re there, let’s say hello to our neighbor, the anus. Why should he miss out on all the fun? He’s been waxed, buffed, and steamed but only because of proximity. He’s the janitor to your pretty cheerleader in the high school of your pelvis. Make him feel special with My Pink Wink. (I’m trying to erase that visual as we speak.) Pink Wink bleaches the rectum using kojic acid, which can cause allergic contact dermatitis. Red rash, bumps, itching, pain, blisters, and dry, red patches of skin—the same reaction you’d get from poison ivy or poison oak. Sexy.

After you’ve been plucked and bleached and dyed, you may feel like something’s missing. Namely, pubic covering. How to replace those curlies? Well, you could purchase a merkin made of human hair.

Human Hair Merkins Magick Sandwich

It does seem a bit silly to glue on a stranger’s bush after all the effort you’ve made to go bald. For something a little different, I submit to you the bacon merkin:

Bacon Merkin Magick Sandwich

Just when you thought bacon and sex couldn’t get any better, now there’s Bacon Sex®! Imagine the possibilities. But please keep them to yourselves; I can’t get past the hygiene issues.

For those not thrilled by the prospect of having nethers redolent of breakfast meat, there is a more elegant solution to the quest for pubic decor. I’m talking about vajazzling. Jennifer Love Hewitt has become the de facto spokeswoman for this most intimate embellishment. Here, she tells George Lopez all about it:

“After a breakup, a friend of mine Swarovski-crystalled my ‘precious lady’ and it shined like a disco ball,” she explained, adding, “I am currently vajazzled.” I’m duly impressed but I have a question. How “precious” can she be if you keep letting your new boyfriend slam his dick in her face? That ain’t no way to treat a lady, Miss Hewitt.

In conclusion, there are many ways to disguise the loathsome state of our loins. Even Barbie, our greatest feminine icon, decorates her smooth, hairless, featureless vagina.

Note: At some point in the intervening years, the humorous video of a vajazzled Barbie in various states of undress and absurd situations became sufficiently “triggering” that YouTube included an adult content warning. (It’s a doll, people.) As of this year, the video has been banned in the US. The only place I can find it now is on the Facebook page of a salon in Slovenia. I assure you that there is nothing pornographic, no reason to fear clicking on the link. I’m probably wasting my breath here. Anyone who would find this upsetting didn’t read this far, having clutched their pearls and fainted many paragraphs ago.

Vajazzled Barbie

Click on the photo if you dare.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If it’s good enough for Barbie and Jen, it’s good enough for us. But be careful: those crystals are a choking hazard. Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody!

More Valentine’s Day advice:
9 Ways to Prevent Your Own Valentine’s Day Massacre
4 New Products to Try on Valentine’s Day
Crazy Beauty Treatments for Valentine’s Day
Lonely on Valentine’s Day? There’s an App for That
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PETA Master Race poster

4 New Products to Try on Valentine’s Day

We’ve told you how to pimp your vajajay, get gorgeous with crazy beauty treatments, decipher her Valentine riddles, and enjoy some quality alone time with an iTunes app. Now Magick Sandwich brings you this dispatch from our annual genital Olympics.

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Our tireless pursuit of hairless pudenda has claimed a hidden casualty. The pubic crab is all but extinct, Bloomberg.com reports, due to our destruction of its habitat. (Where is PETA? Off protesting the eugenics of dog breeding at the Westminster Kennel Show? Are saber-toothed crotch critters unworthy of affection? How species-ist!)

PETA Master Race poster

Great analogy, PETA

 

While it may be too late for the littlest victims, we can hide our guilty loins with the Kitty Carpet, a reusable downstairs toupee. A popular style is the Michael Jackson, presumably because it looks like a Jheri curl and is highly flammable.Kitty Carpet merkin

For the man who has suffered feelings of inadequacy since watching Mad Men (also known as Jon Hamm-feriority complex), there is the faux bulge of Trunk in My Junk, an underwear insert that offers the latest in stealth codpiece technology. Unless she tries to put her hands down your pants.

Trunk in My JunkAlso for gents, the soothingly named ballsBalm is a depilatory lotion that comes with a decidedly rough-looking exfoliating glove. The company touts it as an enjoyable adjunct to pleasuring oneself. It sounds like a sadomasochistic way to cut the brush to make the tree look bigger. If sandpapering one’s own gonads was pleasant, Home Depot wouldn’t be able to keep the stuff in stock.ballsbalm magick sandwich

Finally, a product called repHresh uses this cute girl in Groucho glasses to represent other deodorants that mask vaginal odor. Can Mr. Marx’ estate sue? (Please?) While in this case “pH balance” is code for “smelly cooch,” the ad also mentions odor seven times, proceeding from the assumption that women already stink.

Groucho girl rePhresh

Ladies, if you go to all this trouble and your man still doesn’t like it down there, maybe he’s gay!

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Whatever’s trending for you, #bush or #bald, we at Magick Sandwich wish you a happy Valentine’s Day. No matter what you’ve got going on, have fun. Go crazy. Tain’t nobody’s business if you do!

Copyright Magick Sandwich

Valentine's Day snail facial magick sandwich

Crazy Beauty Treatments for Valentine’s Day

Welcome to Magick Sandwich, your source for all things Valentine! Since I’ve already listed 9 Ways to Prevent Your Own Valentine’s Day Massacre and taught you to Pimp Your Vajajay for Valentine’s Day!, it’s time to get serious about skincare for your special day. We’ve got some interesting products to get through so let me start with a question, ladies. Remember what your high school boyfriend always told you? Turns out he was right. It really is good for your skin.

Sperm Cell Plush ToyGet your game face on at Graceful Services where, for only $125, you’ll be massaged with Spermine, a powerful antioxidant found in human sperm. The spa takes corporate accounts and does house calls. (Is that legal?) If you’re feeling a bit sheepish, you can purchase a tube of the stuff online. This company, which is really, truly named Bioforskning, asserts that Spermine is “the only antioxidant which is capable of penetrating the horny layer of the skin.” Adolescent chuckles all around.

If you’re feeling flush, hop across the pond to London’s Hari’s Salon for a bull sperm hair treatment. Yes, it’s the real thing but don’t fret: they keep it refrigerated so it’s nice and fresh. Trowel that on, slap a load of Spermine on your face, then lie back and pretend you’re an extra on the set of a porno flick. Tell this tale to your date and he will be snoring peacefully with a stain on his crotch by the time dessert arrives. You’re welcome.

snail facial magick sandwich

 If you fancy your secretions a bit less personal, book an EscarGlow™ snail slime facial at the NYC office of plastic surgeon and amateur punster Matthew Schulman. Or order earthworm excrement-enhanced Wrinkle Butter or Heaven Gold Bee Venom Mask (60ml for only $619.72) from the comfort of your own home. But please refer to these things as secretions, droppings and castings. The marketing folks have worked so hard, it would be a shame to waste their diligently researched synonyms.

All this reclining under excreta may have you worried about toxins but never fear. We’ve broken it down for you. Animal poop: good. Your poop: bad. Now you’ll need to fly back to London’s EF Medispa for its Californian Colonic, perhaps inspired by the warm California sun or just filled with bits of real Californians. One should never assume.

After the normal colonic—did I just write that?—blows “unnecessary waste and toxins” through a length of tubing, wheatgrass is “directly infused into the colon.” Again, hats off to the marketing department but the line must be drawn somewhere. There is no way to make the word tubing sound pleasant. Besides, colon hydrotherapy sounds suspiciously like what Sybil‘s mother did.

gwyneth paltrow cupping

Did it suck her brain out too?

If having a juice box squeezed up your butt is not your idea of fun, go the full Gwyneth with cupping, a treatment that harkens back to the days of bile and leeches. (Leeches are still around. Demi Moore likes them, which explains her attraction to Ashton Kutcher.)

Suction cups are placed all over your back and the vacuum created pulls the toxins out, frees your chi and gets your circulation going. I could do the same thing by slapping your face and taking your wallet. But maybe the hickeys you get all over your back will make you feel young. (Again, this explains a lot about Demi Moore.)

Procuring all this dewy softness can make one rather cranky. So if your date shows up stinking of Febreze with a bottle of Snooki perfume in one hand and a box of post-Hef Holly Madison candy necklaces in the other—I think I got a cold sore just writing that—slam the door and clear your schedule for some quality time with the Crave Duet Lux, described by its inventor as the iPod of vibrators.

This bad boy comes complete with a USB port that’s chargeable by computer so there are no pesky cords or batteries to slow you down. And it sports a super classy gold-plated base and 16 big swinging gigabytes of memory so you can keep your treasured memories close to your, well, you know. Best of all, whatever you choose to store–photos of autumn leaves or the complete works of Ryan Gosling—Duet Lux will remember everything you tell it. And isn’t that all you really want in a guy?

More innovation:
Lonely on Valentine’s Day? There’s an App for That

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