At Magick Sandwich, we like a nice BLT. Minus the L and T, of course. We also know it makes an awesome gift. Surprise your loved ones with the gift that keeps on giving, all the way from tastiness to heartburn to deadly plaque buildup: bacon.

Heard of heirloom tomatoes? Kids’ stuff. The Pig’s Heirloom Bacon Club will ship your loved ones a different “delicious artisan bacon made from heritage pork” each month, selected by professional bacon connoisseurs. That’s an intriguing career choice. There’s probably significant turnover considering the occupational hazard of coronary artery disease. But what a way to go, huh?

From atherosclerosis to cirrhosis, bacon has you covered. This Christmas, gather ’round the tree for a festive eye opener. Friends and family will love the carnivorous cocktails you whip up with Bakon Vodka. (Because you can’t trademark Bacon.) Top them off with Demitri’s Bloody Mary Rim Salt. Bacon. Salt. Bacon salt. Did you just hear angels sing? I did, but that could be my blood pressure medication wearing off.

Time for some inventive foods to soak up all that booze. Pancake and bacon cookies are a fuss-free alternative to a traditional breakfast. Set out a basket of blueberry bacon muffins, a bowl of pork candy, wash it all down with a tall glass of bacon soda or a steaming hot cup of Maple Bacon Morning coffee, and you’ve got a feast your guests won’t soon forget. In fact, they may not let you have Christmas at your house again. Ever. You’re welcome, bacon would say if it could talk, but it can’t because its head was cut off.

This is what pork candy looks like.

But what to do later? If you happen to be in New York City, you’re in luck. Head to Fatty ‘Cue in the West Village for its famous half-pound orders of deep-fried bacon. Your guests will think they’ve died and gone to heaven. Or they might just die. Honestly, the pig leg handle on the front door cannot be a good sign.

It’s so literal.

Finally, for the oddball in the family—we all have one—who lives in the woods, braids his own ear hair and has a statue of Jesus made entirely of toenail clippings, we suggest Tactical Bacon. It’s fully cooked bacon in a can with a 10+ year shelf life so poor old Uncle Mudge will have rations to last him through that zombie apocalypse he’s always muttering about.

Directions: Open can. Receive bacon.

Conveniently, CMGG Inc, purveyor of Tactical Bacon, also sells firearms. Nothing goes with bacon like a 16″ M300 AAC Blackout Rifle with Pistol Gas System. The next time you’re online shopping for canned breakfast meat, take a look at the armaments. You might want to stock up, you know, just in case Uncle Mudge is right about that whole zombie thing.

More gift ideas:
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!
Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!