Prescription Eyelashes: Product of the Week

It’s FDA-approved and has Brooke Shields as its “compensated spokesperson” so it must be a miracle product. What is it? It’s Latisse!Prescription Eyelashes Product of the Week Magick Sandwich
According to the print and TV advertising, this product is for “inadequate or not enough lashes.” It’s nice of them to want to include customers who don’t know what the word inadequate means. There’s a clinical term for this scourge: hypotrichosis. Yes, it’s a real disorder. I always felt sorry for Brooke Shields and her puny lashes; perhaps she is preparing for a trip by camel through a sandstorm and really needs a lush fringe to protect her beautiful eyes.

Speaking of eyes, here’s a snippet of the ad:

May cause eyelid skin darkening which may be reversible and there is potential for increased brown iris pigmentation which is likely permanent.

Wow, I can see why the FDA approved this while hassling Cheerios for its claims of lower cholesterol. Permanently changing the color of my eye while getting thicker lashes is definitely preferable to possibly not getting a heart benefit while eating a nourishing breakfast cereal.

If you are using prescription medications for lowering eye pressure or have a history of eye pressure problems, only use Latisse under close doctor care….If you develop or experience any eye problems or have eye surgery, consult your doctor immediately about continued use of Latisse. Common side effects include itchy eye and eye redness.

Why should I let a silly little thing like protecting my vision hold me back? Perhaps Allergan should print some advertisements in Braille for those in their desired client base who don’t have to worry about these things. I even have an idea for that group’s spokesperson: paging Stevie Wonder!

This is going to be such a hit in the Middle East. Brazen hussies will shamelessly bat their eyes and seduce the locals like a burka-clad Mae West: “Is that a banana under your dishdasha or are you just glad to see me?” I’m sure Allergan already has a marketing plan in place.

In the TV ad, Brooke looks at us winsomely under her pneumatic lashes and says, “Ask your doctor if Latisse is right for you.”

If he says yes, find yourself another doctor.

More products:
Fart Filter: Product of the Week
Straight from the Sucker Files: SNUS

5 replies
  1. David
    David says:

    With all the diseases in the world, they had to focus their research dollars on eyelash growth hormones???


  2. dana
    dana says:

    I love the ads for allergy medicines that claim the product might cause watery and itching eyes, throat irritation, sinus drainage and lung inflammation. But at least it stopped my allergic reactions. Oh, and I forgot about the chances of death.

  3. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    @Jenn: "Don't it make my blue eyes brown"–excellent idea! She looks like she's wearing colored contacts in the print ad anyway, so we may never know.

    @David: It was originally a glaucoma med. This was the side effect. The FDA stopped companies from marketing it as a cosmetic while Allergan, which sells Botox, got the research together for the FDA to give them an exclusive patent. So the research wasn't done by the government. It was done by a greedy company looking to make even more money. I wish I'd invested in Allergan back in the 90's. I'd be a rich girl now. Vanity is recession-proof.

    @dana: At least allergies are a real condition, unlike hypotrichosis. In this case,you risk your eye color and possibly your vision so you won't have to use mascara. Smart, huh?

  4. Anonymous
    Anonymous says:

    Seriously this is just about the dumbest thing ever.

    I suffer from a disorder called trichotillomania and unfortunately have NO eyelashes (no inadequate, but none) and every time I see an advertisement I want to die.

    Are eyelashes really that important that people are willing to suffer the potential side effects? With all of the other problems in the world, this is really a priority?


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