I’ve seen some odd stuff–everything from scrotal wash to anal bleach–but never at my local pharmacy. So when Tampax Radiant Tampons turned up at Walgreen’s, it piqued my interest. I found this description on the Tampax website:
“New Tampax Radiant tampons give you an ultimate protection experience like never before!”
Radiant? Does it double as a flashlight? Is it a nuclear energy source? Does it glow in the dark? I have to admit, that could come in handy during a blackout. Or a rave.
“The Radiant tampon features FormFit™ protection that gently expands to fit your unique shape….”
I’ve always assumed that all vaginas are fairly similar. How unique can they be? Square, rhomboid? Surely not fractal?! I don’t know how we’ve survived all these years without this bespoke tampon. I am also glad to read that it “gently expands.” We’ve all had too many of those things going off like airbags up there. Am I right, ladies?
“…a LeakGuard™ braid to help stop leaks before they happen…”
This just seems like a waste of perfectly good extensions.
“…a CleanSeal™ wrapper—the first ever re-sealable wrapper for worry-free disposal…”
Why would we worry? Are we in space, trash floating free in the capsule? Training a cadaver-sniffing canine unit? Camping in bear country? Trying to hide our preoperative female-to-male gender reassignment from friends? (We know who we are.)
“…and a CleanGrip™ applicator designed for incredible comfort.”
This is definitely preferable to DirtyGrip™ or GreasyGrip™ (which are probably already on the market as lube). It sounds a bit like ad copy for a Brookstone personal massager. Still, I’m sure that Tampax has done a lot of research into this truly new and different product and hasn’t just had its marketing department come up with new and different words to sell the same old thing.
So when the woman in the stall next to you breaks into song and yells, “I’m incredibly comfortable!” you’ll know she has a Tampax Radiant tampon to thank.
But you still may want to alert the authorities.