Sandwich Fixins #8

With the BP spill dumping gallons of oil onto our shores, Rand Paul stating (hypothetically) that private businesses should legally be able to discriminate if they feel like it, and Arizona requiring I.D. from anyone with a tan, you can see why Magick Sandwich is experiencing a dearth of creativity. It’s just hard to find anything funny to write about these days.

While I mourn the impending lack of Gulf shrimp–because this is all about me—I will try to satisfy you with the cocktail sauce of my mind in this installment of Sandwich Fixins.

This is how I imagine a true patriot who stands against big government would react to a service being rammed down his throat.

New Yorker libertarian cartoon

When he rebuilds that house, he’ll need extra room for his aging parents who refuse to receive Medicare or Social Security because they won’t live under the lash of those evil liberal overseers, dagnabbit!

***** has released a semen-colored nail polish called Jizz. For more sperm-related trends, check out my post, Gross Anatomy. In case you’re curious, it also sells another polish called Dickweed. It’s a bright metallic blue-green, which surprised me. But then again, I’m not sure what color I expected.
Paramount is planning a movie based on the Magic 8 Ball Game. Will I see it? Reply hazy. Ask again later.
A shoe manufacturer named TOMS makes slip-on sneakers that are a huge hit with celebrities. For every pair sold, another pair is given to a child in need. I know this is a really nice thing, but what if that child really needs food? I picture starving kids in trendy footwear.
Is that wrong?
Lauren Conrad, 24, complains about having cellulite in May’s issue of Glamour. Meanwhile, the woman gracing the May cover of Fitness magazine says, “I have hips! I’m never going to be the thinnest actress, and don’t want to be.” Who is this zaftig beauty? Kristin Davis. She’s proud of her curves? What curves? She’s one thin layer of flesh away from being a human xylophone.
While we’re on the subject of celebrities, can we please stop talking about Zoe Saldana‘s incredible “performance” in Avatar? I don’t care how realistic the motion capture was: she was running around in a body stocking, hissing her lines. Should we ask if she did her own stunts, too?
Finally, a study published by the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin reveals that we are all actually uglier than we think. If that’s so, then haven’t we lowered the bar for attractiveness? In which case…we all look good again! I love my logic.
More fixins:
Copyright Magick Sandwich
12 replies
  1. mary w.
    mary w. says:

    "i'm not sure what color i expected"….oh kat, i needed you today. thanks for the weird, weird way your mind works. love you.

  2. slommler
    slommler says:

    Ha!! Yes I love your logic too!
    And a lot of these actresses talk about having curves and I wonder too what they are talking about?? What curves?? Their hair maybe??

  3. Unfinished Rambler
    Unfinished Rambler says:

    If I can be serious for a moment, since you stopped by my blog and were serious, I think Zoe Saldana is the most incredible actress in the world and I think for you to mock someone whose first name is so close to your last name is irresponsible.

  4. Elly Lou
    Elly Lou says:

    Oh thank god you're back. I was going mad without random sperm-related facts!

    I totally with team Magick Sandwich on all points…except the Toms shoes one. Have you looked at those shoes? They're actually quite hideous. Which is why I can't quite bring myself to buy a pair. I'd rather just donate both pairs. But seriously, apparently there's some sort of fungus or bacteria or other microscopic thing that is absorbed through the feet in that region so shoes are actually a major necessity. In fact, kids aren't allowed to go to school without them.

    But that whole debate is kinda on the back burner for me while the entire Gulf of Mexico is destroyed forever. Ok, now you have me "experiencing a dearth of creativity."

  5. Maurice
    Maurice says:

    I must be the only person on the face of the planet that's not yet seen Avatar. I'm a big sci-fi fan, I just wasn't able to drag myself to the theater for this one (and yet, I saw Kick-Ass and Date Night).

  6. kathcom
    kathcom says:

    @mary w: Right? What color would you think it is? I'm thinking dry grass….

    @SueAnn: I know. I think if you're smaller than Scarlett Johansson or bigger than Gabourey Sidibe, you shouldn't talk about curves at all!

    @Unfinished: You just dig her because she played Uhura. I'm not against her but without James Cameron, she would have been The Little Mermaid.

    @Elly Lou: Oh, no, now I'm going to have to keep coming up with posts about man seed!

    Thank you for mentioning how ugly Toms shoes are. I would have bought a pair because of the charity otherwise. I know you know I was being facetious about kids not needing shoes. But what if they think they're hideous, too?

    @Maurice: Normally, I wouldn't go either, but I wanted to see it in 3D. After all the buildup, you may be underwhelmed. On the other hand, I'm looking forward to renting Date Night!

  7. HumorSmith
    HumorSmith says:

    Well that explains why I've had a case of the uglies lately. But since they lowered the bar, I can just go downstairs and drink until I feel handsome again.

    So now I have to look out for women with Jizz on their nails?

  8. HermanTurnip
    HermanTurnip says:

    Ya know, I actually think I'm quite handsome, yet when I sit down at the barbers and I look at myself in the mirror, I'm horrified at what's staring back at me. It *must* be the lighting they use. Tell me I'm right. Right? Argh!

  9. dana
    dana says:

    My usual complaint is with my magazine subscriptions. Whatever the cover story on my first one is, the others will be touting the same story. It's usually the latest news flash: eat less salt, eat less fat, drink more water and lose weight! Followed by recipes for brownies.

    But always, ALWAYS, stories of the heartbreak of actresses fighting to stay slim while their elbows are the largest part of their anatomy.

    If television ads ten pounds (I've been on television and it adds about 40) why don't they just figure out a way to fix that problem? A size 2 can look overweight!!

    And the "large sized" models are size 10-12!

    Sex In The City's lead actress Sarah Jessica Parker, looks like Sea Biscuit and has the legs to match.

    Life is not innocent anymore, and too much attention is given to what doesn't matter. (just like I seem to have done with my comment) arghh


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