Elton John, Wedding Whore, Sings at Rush Limbaugh’s Wedding

Seriously, are you shitting me? Elton John sang at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding this past weekend? Could this be the seventh sign of the apocalypse?

I wrote about Sir John almost exactly one year ago in my post, Elton John, Funeral Whore, to Sing at Michael Jackson’s Service. Even I thought I was being a little harsh. I should never have doubted myself. Once a beloved musician, John has become little more than a bloated gay mascot. Is his ubiquity at celebrity weddings and funerals a last grasp at relevance? Or just a dash for cash?

Rush Limbaugh, bloated Republican mascot, is a staunch critic of homosexuality. He’s no fan of California’s music industry, judging from this quip: “The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.” Of course, that wouldn’t apply to Elton John, who’s from across the pond. But this statement might:  “When a gay person turns his back on you, it is anything but an insult; it’s an invitation.”

Hmm, what would Freud have said about that? Does Rush secretly long to be a rump rustler? It certainly seems like he’s threatened by the temptation of a male tush. I can’t imagine any man (or woman, for that matter) being attracted to Limbaugh, puffed up like a beached whale baking in the sun and emitting the foul stench of decay.

Rush Limbaugh DR sex tourist

Let’s leave such speculation to the experts for now. Rush, gay hater, paid Elton, gay star, one million dollars to sing at his wedding. Since Elton is worth close to quarter of a billion dollars, I assume he will donate the money to an AIDS charity. He has contributed millions to AIDS-related causes. Unfortunately, that does not keep Sir John from being a big, sloppy media whore.

Elton John sings at Limbaugh wedding

Then again, I would hope he’d cover Rush Limbaugh’s funeral for free. I’m just not sure what he’ll substitute for Candle in the Wind. That seems to be his go-to tune. He’s tweaked it for everyone from Princess Di to Michael Jackson.

It seems to me
that you lived your life
like a cancer in the wind…

It has a certain ring to it, don’t you think? What would you have him sing?
More Limbaugh:
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Where Were You?

Hello, world!

So everyone will know where I am during Michael Jackson’s memorial service, which I’m sure is very important to you all, I am blogging to you from my Blackberry while taking a dump…at Michael Jackson’s memorial service. Well, outside it. They’ve got golden Port-O-Sans out here. It’s pretty plush.

There is so much sadness here. I see it on the faces of parents who must now go back to playing the lottery. Some lobbed their young boys at the passing funeral cortege in a last desperate attempt at pimpdom. I see it also on the faces of the children, who will never know the joy of shaking hands with MJ’s mottled Mr. Happy.

Such a sad day.

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Elton John, Funeral Whore, to Sing at Michael Jackson’s Service

Michael Jackson Magick Sandwich

Thursday evening, Elton John paid tribute to Michael Jackson at his annual White Tie and Tiara Ball, dedicating his song “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” to the dead pop star.

Few people know that Jackson was working on his own version of Elton’s classic, tentatively titled “Please Let Your Son Go Down on Me.”

At the ball, John also dedicated “Candle in the Wind” to Jackson, a song originally written about Marilyn Monroe then retooled for Princess Diana.

Rumor has it that Sir John is working on a web-based funeral ballad generator, which fans could use to plug in a dead pal’s vital statistics and emerge with a ready-made eulogy in song.

Elton John Magick SandwichOf course, Elton would receive a royalty for every performance. For an undisclosed fee, Elton will show up at a funeral and throw himself on the coffin. Photos, of course, cost extra.

Elton remains undecided as to which song he will perform at Michael Jackson’s funeral, where he expects a spectacular turnout.

He is reportedly working on finishing Jackson’s version of “Please Let Your Son Go Down on Me” though he is also said to be combing his thesaurus to find a word for pedophile that rhymes with candle.

Related post:
Elton John, Wedding Whore, Sings at Rush Limbaugh’s Wedding

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Lance and Kate Split: The Horror, The Horror

lance armstrong and kate hudsonSay it ain’t so! Philandering one-balled bicyclist Lance Armstrong and free love advocate Kate Hudson have called it quits! I, for one, am shocked and dismayed! Click here for details from Daily News. Just kidding—I know you don’t really care.

This is just one more thing to distract us from the national deficit, Ted Stevens‘ indictment, Robert Novak‘s brain tumor, and the Republican wingnut running for president. (Is it just me, or does he look more like the gopher from Caddyshack every day? I keep expecting him to break into ‘I’m Alright’ while swaying back and forth.)

I do feel sorry for Ryder, Kate’s son. In addition to keeping his hair long to use him as a parental fashion statement, Kate should buy him an “Are you my new daddy?” t-shirt and put a revolving door on her bedroom.

kate hudson with son

 

I’m not excusing that slut Armstrong by any means. But this leg-shaving, spandex-wearing hound has lucked into more p***y than anyone in the history of cycling and he’s going to get it while he can. Ball cancer’s the best thing that ever happened to him.

As for Ryder hanging out with Mom in an ass-baring thong, just start the therapy fund now. And don’t blame Oedipus. I doubt Kate Hudson ever read the classics.

 

Related Posts:
Lance Armstrong, Cancer Slut, Dating Kate Hudson
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends – LiveStrong bracelet alternative

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Lance Armstrong, Cancer Slut, Dating Kate Hudson

Cancer Slut Lance Armstrong Dating Kate Hudson

Cancer Slut Lance Armstrong Dating Kate Hudson

I guess Kate got sick of balls slapping both sides of her chin.
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Celebrity News of the Future

After years of erratic behavior, it has been confirmed that Gwen Stefani‘s children are suffering from what is becoming known as Fetal Peroxide Syndrome. Christina Aguilera and Gwyneth Paltrow have been notified along with a long list of stars, who now have their children under close observation.

Seriously, am I the only one who has looked at these pregnant stars and been surprised that they never show roots? They’re eating brown rice and drinking water made from the tears of Tibetan monks, but they’re still having chemicals marinate on their scalps through every trimester?

Expectant mothers are put through hell these days, filled with fear about alcohol, second-hand smoke and stress hormones affecting the fetus. Ask a woman who can’t or won’t breastfeed what kind of crap she takes from other people. Think about women watching their diets because eating peanuts or tomato sauce might give the baby a rash or diarrhea when they breastfeed.

Meanwhile, these stars are on the cover of US Weekly being hailed as earth mothers while they’re expressing Nice’n’Easy into their babies’ mouths. Give me a break.

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