Vagina Repo Gwyneth Edition

Vagina Repo: Gwyneth Edition

The real golden ticket here is the Mugworth V-Steam; You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.

 Gwyneth Paltrow, GOOP.com

Gwyneth dear, clearly you never got the owner’s manual. How else to explain your ignorance of something that is only a couple feet from your face at all times? Though I’m sure you are so flexible from your spiritual yoga practice that you’re one plow pose away from direct nose-to-labia confrontation, I feel that you need a visual aid. To wit:

Have one of your servants fetch a hand mirror and position it so that you can see your pudendum in all its undoubtedly depilated glory. Note the geography. (Remember, it’s that class you took while perfecting your Blue Steel facial pose.) If you can see your uterus from here, then you won’t need a doula to massage your perineum with sacred oils during childbirth. You can just shoot them out like they’re on a waterslide at Six Flags.

In fact, short of borrowing a pressure washer from your local car wash, steam will most assuredly not reach your uterus. (Note: Steam Douche: excellent band name.) The mini-throne is essentially a chair with a hole in it through which the spa taps your Iron Man residuals. As for the “energetic release,” it’s possible…if your vagina is pulling a very tiny train.

I do have to thank you for the information on how steam affects hormone levels. It explains that weird day at the gym when I spent too much time in the sauna and turned into a man.

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Magick Sandwich

More Louise Hay Garbage

I admit that I’ve whored around the Self-Help section of life’s cosmic bookstore, looking for answers. But since perfectionism can lead to procrastination, I stopped. Serial killers tend to have high self-esteem, too, but I found that out in the Psychology section, Self-Help’s educated relative a few shelves down.

But there’s one old mindfuck that keeps coming back and chafing my brain like a mental herpes sore. Her name is Louise Hay. I bought her book, You Can Heal Your Life, in the late 1980’s. (Hey, the Eighties were a bad time for a lot of us- don’t judge me.) Among other things, she said that we choose our parents before we’re born. Don’t consider the logistics of that for too long or your head may explode. We also mentally cause all of our own physical problems and can cure them with a little affirmation. My cat puked on the book cover. Was he trying to tell me something? In Louise Hay’s universe, maybe. I loathed that book. It sold millions.

Now I see that she has published many books since then. From the look of her website photo, she invested my $12.99 in bad plastic surgery. Affirmations can’t cure that any more than she can wish back her shit-canned facial skin. Since I won’t be contributing to the sales of her newer book, I thought it would be fair to share some thoughts from her first one. (I ripped off the cover and kept it. God, I miss that puke stain.) Here are a few of Louise Hay’s diagnoses for mental causes of physical problems.

Warts: “Little expressions of hate. Belief in ugliness.”
Tinnitus: “Refusal to listen.Not hearing the inner voice. Stubbornness.”
Multiple Sclerosis: “Mental hardness, hard-heartedness, iron will, inflexibility. Fear.”
Ingrown Toenail: “Worry and guilt about your right to move forward.”
Tapeworm: “Strong belief in being a victim and unclean. Helpless to the seeming attitudes of others.”

Of course, I don’t want to spoil the ending for you by writing down Ms. Hay’s cures. But I must make one exception. If you or anyone you know is currently suffering from gangrene (“Mental morbidity. Drowning of joy with poisonous thoughts”) apply this information immediately: I now choose harmonious thoughts and let the joy flow freely through me. Repeat this new thought pattern to yourself several times. Assume that you are already in the process of healing.

Please, Ms. Hay, forgive me for using your sacred text! I feel it is my duty to pass on your healing message! Sufferers must be free from the bondage of Western medicine and learn that they have only themselves to blame! They must think, think, think their way to health. (Oh, and they must buy your books, too. But Ms. Hay, since you gave us all the tools in the first one, why did you need to write another? Have you been holding out on us?)

Please remember, dear reader, if the snake oil you’re drinking tastes bitter, maybe you’re just not drinking the right brand!

N.B. I’m working on a project of my own: If We All Concentrate, We Can Give This Charlatan Bitch Cancer.

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