Product of the Week Archives - Page 2 of 2

Straight from the Sucker Files: SNUS

November 1, 2008

Looking for a brand new outlet for your nicotine addiction? Camel’s got you covered. It’s got an old nag dressed up like a new pony and it’s called SNUS.
What is this product? It’s a fine moist tobacco that you place beneath your upper lip. It comes in packets so there’ll be no telltale tobacco leaves stuck between your expensive veneers. There’s no need to spit, so no one will know you’re dipping at your nephew’s bar mitzvah. And no worries about spilling your spit cup on the center console of your Mercedes. It’s like a Christmas miracle!

As Judge Judy said, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” I remember something like this: it’s called Skoal.
A friend of mine got caught by his dad once, who forced him to swallow it. The projectile vomiting cured him of the habit. I tried it myself a few times. I wanted to be the tough girl who’d pack in a chew, but it tasted like ass and I couldn’t learn to spit without dribbling the juice down my shirt. Mouth cancer wasn’t even a consideration.

Maybe Camel could do a tie-in with that other timeless classic: the forty.
But I don’t think that would play to the demographic they’re going for now. SNUS has been sold in Nordic countries like Greenland for years. Now Camel is test-marketing it in the U.S. I’m not naive; I know they don’t really care who their end-users are. They’re equal opportunity death-dealers. Their mission is simple: to create more addicts to replace the ones they’ve already killed. There’ll be a whole new generation hopelessly devoted to chew.

More suckers:
Straight from the Sucker Files: The Q-Link

An Umbrella for Psychos: Product of the Week

October 31, 2008

Your child will be a hit with her classmates when you send her to school with this umbrella from Art.Lebedev Studio, aptly named “Fuck the Rain.”

Just don’t be surprised if you end up having to explain yourself to Child Protective Services.

Meanwhile, there’s another umbrella on sale if you want to work out some anger issues or just plain fear for your life. (Remember, it’s only assassination if you’re important.)

It’s the Self-Defense Unbreakable Umbrella from Real Self-Defense and it even has its own instructional video.

At first, it’s cute, like Charlie Chaplin doing a trick. But it quickly turns dark with a sociopathic Gallagher watermelon murder, then a Britney-esque beating.

britney umbrella meltdown Scary.

The Philippine president’s security detail uses them. (Maybe they can’t afford guns?) Come to think of it, after January 20th, 2009, you might want to avoid this guy.

He may not be in a very good mood. Though he’ll no longer be president, he may still be dangerous.

More products:
Scrotal Deodorant Wash: Product of the Week

Scrotal Deodorant Wash: Product of the Week

October 20, 2008

Guys, place your orders for Man Junk, a new organic crotch wash made just for your schwantz, taint and family jewels. Here’s a bit of the ad copy:

How nice would it be, knowing that your significant other or one-night stand (hey, we’re not perfect either) is pleasantly surprised instead of trying not to breathe through their nose? Exactly.

That gives a whole new meaning to “going there.” At first, I thought it was a crazy idea. Then I thought about all of the insane things women do to stay pubically presentable, from waxing (not really Brazilian, by the way–that was a marketing ploy) to anal bleaching.

Someone’s going to have to explain anal bleaching to me; if you’re that close to someone’s asshole, it seems to me that the time for making value judgments has passed. It’s a little late to say, “Eeww, this place looks like a shithole,” am I right?

So, if your partner hurls and your dog faints when downwind of your weenie, get thee some Man Junk. No more worries about fummunda.*

Girls, play Secret Santa and sneak this into his gym bag. He’ll get the message that there’ll be no gifts under his tree (wink wink) ’til he deals with the stink.

Man Junk–It’s a product whose time has come!

*the cheese fummunda your balls, silly!

Straight From the Sucker Files: The Q-Link

July 7, 2008

According to the April 2008 issue of InStyle magazine, Lindsay Lohan wears a powerful fashion statement.

“The Q-link is a metallic pendant worn near the heart that purports to adapt to your personal energy frequencies.”

Instyle says Madonna wears one, too. I hope this doesn’t clash with the frequencies of her red string anti-evil-eye Kabbalah bracelet. With all this energy bouncing around, can Salma Hayek (another purported wearer) pick up Sirius radio on her dental fillings?

It’s also said that the pendant may help to “ease stress, increase focus, boost energy and enhance overall well-being”. That must be after its energy has helped to boost money directly from the sucker’s wallet.

For a closer look at this harebrained fashion statement, click here. Rest assured, it looks equally at home hanging around the neck of an air-headed celebrity or any denizen of Quark’s bar.

Also available is the Q-Link Golf pendant, which purportedly protects sportsmen from harmful EMF radiation according to this handy equation: “less stress + more focus= lower golf scores”. It could just be that your fellow golfers are laughing so hard, they can’t make the green. But I’m so cynical. I guess it could work, right? Tiger Woods, are you listening?