Gifts for Idiots

Gifts for Idiots

In the crush of holiday shopping, it’s easy to forget to take time to thank the season’s real innovators, those who work at the frontiers of imagination to add ever more useless crap to the world. This season, let’s honor them with the ridicule they so richly deserve before consigning their wares to the landfill of memory.

 

The Selfie Brush “makes your cellphone easy to hold for the best selfies ever”
because what girl doesn’t want to turn her iPhone into a cheap plastic hairbrush?
The Theradome LH80 Pro laser helmet costs $895 and promises to slow hair loss. Though it admits new hair growth may take up to a year to appear, this is worth every penny to the giver who gets another person to spend 365 days looking like an extra from TRON.
Even the most die-hard atheist might feel a bit blasphemous about taking a bite out of the baby Jesus, even if he is in reality a chocolate-covered cherry limned in frosting. But don’t worry: this edible Nativity scene is one of Oprah’s Favorite Things. The thought of her chowing down on the wise men might be disturbing but she’s the closest thing we have to a deity, so if She says it’s okay, it’s okay. Bon appetit.
Finally, for only $12,500, Celestis Pets will launch a “symbolic portion of [your pet’s] cremated remains” into deep space and “provides your beloved pet with an incredible journey through the stars, allowing them to explore places they could have only dreamed of in life.” I’m not sure what my cat Rocky dreamed of but I’m pretty sure he would have spent that money on hookers and blow.
Here’s to a happy holiday season filled with fun, good cheer and the sneaking suspicion that if Fido finds out you’re seriously considering sending his ashes into zero gravity, he will chew on your soft parts while you sleep.

 

Copyright Magick Sandwich
Naughty Little Elf Gets Off the Shelf

Naughty Little Elf Gets off the Shelf

It all started innocently enough. The “Elf on a Shelf” is a pretty self-explanatory Christmas tradition that I thought would be cute to give to my niece. But I didn’t know it has a backstory that makes it special and not a little creepy — depending on how you feel about animated dolls.

Shelf not included

The elf reports to Santa every night and returns to a different spot the next morning. Sounds a lot like Chucky. Or in this case, bride of Chucky: I got my niece the newfangled girl elf because, hey, I’m nothing if not progressive. And she loves the thing, tells it she’s been nice, looks to see where it’s sitting when she gets up and calls it Clarice. (Yes, I know.)

So her parents have to get inventive…and this is where this tale takes a dark turn. (Forgive me, Santa.) I suggested it would be funny to put the elf in places wildly inappropriate for a child to discover. And my awesome sister-in-law took the idea and ran with it. I spent the evening laughing my ass off at these and thought it was unfair to keep them to myself. If sharing is caring, Merry Christmas.

My favorite

Playing with Doctor Barbie? Naughty girl!

REDRUM


Haven’t you always wondered how elves drop a deuce? Wonder no more!

To avoid inflicting emotional damage to both young and old, photos of Clarice in compromising positions with Woody from Toy Story have been redacted.

Copyright Magick Sandwich

Magick Sandwich

Great Gifts for Alcoholics!

Looking for a great gift for the alcoholic in your life? It can be hard to find something new for that special someone who’s tasted everything from Purell to paint thinner. Take things up a notch with Magick Sandwich’s guide to tasty vodkas. They’re the classiest Christmas gifts yet to come with a screw top.

salmon vodkaChances are, you know someone who’s forsaken food in favor of booze. Now, he can have both. We’ve discussed the joys of bacon vodka here, so let us now extol the virtues of Alaska Distillery’s Smoked Salmon vodka. It’s a little taste of the Pacific Northwest with what’s sure to be an even more distinctive flavor on the way back up.

Smirnoff Espresso vodka is eye-opener, hair-of-the-dog and morning joe all rolled into one. Brought to you by the master of liver killing libations, Smirnoff shows mercy by disguising its usual vodka tang. The same could be accomplished with Starbucks’ coffee grounds salvaged from a Dumpster. But that would be harder to wrap.

7-Eleven wineIs your buddy bloated from too much 7- Eleven wine? With its dietetic fruit flavor and implied protection from scurvy, Belvedere Pink Grapefruit vodka is an excellent choice. It shows you care about his bleeding gums but not enough to let him into your house.

For those with a sweet tooth—though not necessarily an actual tooth—we recommend Cupcake vodka, in flavors like Devil’s Food and Frosting. Pinnacle Cotton Candy vodka, conjuring images of the county fair midway, is a yummy choice, too, unless it reminds him of the time he got turned down for a job as a carny because he was too dirty.

medea vodkaYour best choice of all may be Medea vodka. Though it boasts no interesting flavor, its bottle has a scrolling LED display on which you can program your most heartfelt message, such as, “We really think you should get some help.” No intervention necessary!

We hope this helps with your last-minute holiday shopping. Bottoms up!

More gifts:
Last-Minute Gifts – Wine Warning

Copyright Magick Sandwich

 

More Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!

It’s that time of year again. Are you wondering what to get for your loved ones to show you really care? Avoid the Walmart scrum and spread Christmas cheer this season with Magick Sandwich’s sure-to-please holiday gift list!

First, for the friend whose dog makes sweet love to your pant leg as soon as you step in the door, we recommend Hot Doll, the first sex toy for dogs. Its legs boast a “no slide” system and its cone is made from “the same materials used by veterinarians.”

Yes, the cone is exactly what you think it is and yes, it makes your vet sound kinky. It’s also washable, which will make picking up dog poop a joy by comparison. Stylish in black or white, this puppy will set you back 159 euros plus shipping. Did I mention it’s made in France? Of course, it is.

For the aunt who wears leggings because they’re “slimming” and who hasn’t seen south of her own border in umpteen pounds, we suggest the Cuchini Camel Toe Solution. It fits inside her drawers to shore up her sagging nethers. Her inseam will thank you.

If you’d like to see the before and after photos, you’ll have to visit the site. Showing a doggy
sex toy is one thing, but we have to draw the line somewhere. Standards must be maintained. A bacon merkin, on the other hand? Good clean fun.

Distract the coworker who gets preachy about your lunch with What Would Jesus Eat?: The Ultimate Program for Eating Well, Feeling Great and Living Longer. (Spoiler alert: He’s not a fan of processed white bread but He does recommend non-fat cream cheese.)

Along with its companion cookbook, no doubt straight from the savior’s test kitchen, it’s the perfect gift for the believer who wonders, “Are these fishes sourced locally?”

Finally, give that special someone languishing on an organ donor list the gift of a life-sized plush organ from the folks at iheartguts.com.

Some of the organs available are the testicle, ovary, gallbladder, lung, prostate, and spleen. Maybe while Uncle Roy clutches this adorable, festively colored plush liver, he’ll think about taking better care of his next one. If he gets one. If not, you can always re-gift it to one of the other hopeless drunks in your family. Do they sell in bulk?

Well, that’s all for now. Click here for more gift ideas. While you’re at it, see our advice on gifts for depressed and/or lonely friends, bacon lovers and drunkards. Remember: Don’t wait for their birthdays. They may be dead by then.™

More gift-giving know-how:
Great Holiday Gifts: Bacon Edition 
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!
Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!

Copyright Notice 2018 Magick Sandwich

Christmas Gifting 101: A Visual Aid

You’re in that mad, last-minute scramble to find a present for that special someone. When it comes to gift-giving, a scarf is always a safe choice, right? Not always. Behold:
In your frenzy to get out of the store, don’t forget to pay attention to what you’re buying. Unless she wants to look like her nipples sucked a lemon or saw their own shadow and retreated for six more weeks of winter, put this back on the clearance pile. If she’s into that sort of thing, go ahead and get it. I’m sure Freud would have an opinion on this. But he’s dead and anyway, sometimes a scarf is just a scarf.
Copyright Notice 2018 Magick Sandwich
angry grape magick sandwich

Last Minute Gifts – Wine Warning

Over here at Magick Sandwich, we’ve finished our Christmas shopping. Since we never stop spending on ourselves, the holidays are just a convenient cover story. Much like an alcoholic who rationalizes drinking on special occasions, for a shopper every day is a special occasion.

Speaking of addiction and Christmas, you might be thinking of giving the last-minute gift of a bottle of vino. After all, Jesus, guest of honor, turned water into wine. Since you can’t, you’ll need a credit card and a little help from FedEx.

With only four days till Christmas, you need to make haste. But take a moment to learn about the art of wine shipping. Did you know there are certain states that do not allow it? Montana, South Dakota, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania are a few.

angry grape magick sandwich

The grape of wrath?

The “dry state” of Utah I can understand, although I’ve known quite a few Mormon drunkards, believe you me. But New Jersey? Why would it deny its citizens a bit of relief? Luckily, you can help fight this injustice at freethegrapes.org, a national grass roots coalition of wine lovers, wineries and retailers fighting the powerful wine wholesalers’ lobby. Those bastards!

Don’t get sidetracked by this cause, worthy though it may be. For now, you need to concentrate on your wino friends who live in one of the 39 states protected by direct shipping legislation. There are many distributors online, some of whom will package bottles nicely so as to remind your recipient of its heart-healthy benefits while de-emphasizing its cirrhotic effects on the liver.

When choosing your gift, don’t forget to read the fine print. I was perusing wine.woot.com this morning and saw a 2 pack of 2003 Keller Estate Sparkling Brut. How can you go wrong with a 2 pack? So classy and only $49.99. But then I saw this:wine warning magick sandwich

What?  Am I supposed to call Glenn and tell him to stay sober all day so he can sign for the package? His inability to do so only proves that this is the perfect gift for him! What if Nancy’s been huffing paint? Will the FedEx guy be able to tell the difference between high and drunk? What qualifies him to judge? This is human-rights abuse, pure and simple.

Looks like it’s going to be another year of clean piss in Christmas mugs for my parolee friends and festively wrapped syringes for the junkies. Maybe you’re thinking I should get a better class of friends but it isn’t easy to find people happy to get cheap wine. When everything you drink has a screw top, you appreciate a good cork now and then.

More gift ideas:
Great Holiday Gifts: Bacon Edition
Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!

Copyright Magick Sandwich

 

pig cartoon

Great Holiday Gift Ideas – Bacon Edition

At Magick Sandwich, we like a nice BLT. Minus the L and T, of course. We also know it makes an awesome gift. Surprise your loved ones with the gift that keeps on giving, all the way from tastiness to heartburn to deadly plaque buildup: bacon.

pig cartoonHeard of heirloom tomatoes? Kids’ stuff. The Pig’s Heirloom Bacon Club will ship your loved ones a different “delicious artisan bacon made from heritage pork” each month, selected by professional bacon connoisseurs. That’s an intriguing career choice. There’s probably significant turnover considering the occupational hazard of coronary artery disease. But what a way to go, huh?

From atherosclerosis to cirrhosis, bacon has you covered. This Christmas, gather ’round the tree for a festive eye opener. Friends and family will love the carnivorous cocktails you whip up with Bakon Vodka. (Because you can’t trademark Bacon.) Top them off with Demitri’s Bloody Mary Rim Salt. Bacon. Salt. Bacon salt. Did you just hear angels sing? I did, but that could be my blood pressure medication wearing off.

Time for some inventive foods to soak up all that booze. Pancake and bacon cookies are a fuss-free alternative to a traditional breakfast. Set out a basket of blueberry bacon muffins, a bowl of pork candy, wash it all down with a tall glass of bacon soda or a steaming hot cup of Maple Bacon Morning coffee, and you’ve got a feast your guests won’t soon forget. In fact, they may not let you have Christmas at your house again. Ever. You’re welcome, bacon would say if it could talk, but it can’t because its head was cut off.

Pork Candy Magick Sandwich

This is what pork candy looks like.

But what to do later? If you happen to be in New York City, you’re in luck. Head to Fatty ‘Cue in the West Village for its famous half pound orders of deep-fried bacon. Your guests will think they’ve died and gone to heaven. Or they might just die. Honestly, the pig leg handle on the front door cannot be a good sign.

Pig door handle

It’s so literal.

Finally, for the oddball in the family—we all have one—who lives in the woods, braids his own ear hair and has a statue of Jesus made entirely of toenail clippings, we suggest Tactical Bacon. It’s fully cooked bacon in a can with a 10+ year shelf life so poor old Uncle Mudge will have rations to last him through that zombie apocalypse he’s always muttering about.

Tactical Bacon Can Magick Sandwich

Directions: Open can. Receive bacon.

Conveniently, CMGG Inc, purveyor of Tactical Bacon, also sells firearms. Nothing goes with bacon like a 16″ M300 AAC Blackout Rifle with Pistol Gas System. The next time you’re online shopping for canned breakfast meat, take a look at the armaments. You might want to stock up, you know, just in case Uncle Mudge is right about that whole zombie thing.

More gift ideas:
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!
Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!

Copyright Magick Sandwich