Magick Sandwich

Great Gifts for Alcoholics!

Looking for a great gift for the alcoholic in your life? It can be hard to find something new for that special someone who’s tasted everything from Purell to paint thinner. Take things up a notch with Magick Sandwich’s guide to tasty vodkas. They’re the classiest Christmas gifts yet to come with a screw top.

salmon vodkaChances are, you know someone who’s forsaken food in favor of booze. Now, he can have both. We’ve discussed the joys of bacon vodka here, so let us now extol the virtues of Alaska Distillery’s Smoked Salmon vodka. It’s a little taste of the Pacific Northwest with what’s sure to be an even more distinctive flavor on the way back up.

Smirnoff Espresso vodka is eye-opener, hair-of-the-dog and morning joe all rolled into one. Brought to you by the master of liver killing libations, Smirnoff shows mercy by disguising its usual vodka tang. The same could be accomplished with Starbucks’ coffee grounds salvaged from a Dumpster. But that would be harder to wrap.

7-Eleven wineIs your buddy bloated from too much 7- Eleven wine? With its dietetic fruit flavor and implied protection from scurvy, Belvedere Pink Grapefruit vodka is an excellent choice. It shows you care about his bleeding gums but not enough to let him into your house.

For those with a sweet tooth—though not necessarily an actual tooth—we recommend Cupcake vodka, in flavors like Devil’s Food and Frosting. Pinnacle Cotton Candy vodka, conjuring images of the county fair midway, is a yummy choice, too, unless it reminds him of the time he got turned down for a job as a carny because he was too dirty.

medea vodkaYour best choice of all may be Medea vodka. Though it boasts no interesting flavor, its bottle has a scrolling LED display on which you can program your most heartfelt message, such as, “We really think you should get some help.” No intervention necessary!

We hope this helps with your last-minute holiday shopping. Bottoms up!

More gifts:
Last-Minute Gifts – Wine Warning

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angry grape magick sandwich

Last Minute Gifts – Wine Warning

Over here at Magick Sandwich, we’ve finished our Christmas shopping. Since we never stop spending on ourselves, the holidays are just a convenient cover story. Much like an alcoholic who rationalizes drinking on special occasions, for a shopper every day is a special occasion.

Speaking of addiction and Christmas, you might be thinking of giving the last-minute gift of a bottle of vino. After all, Jesus, guest of honor, turned water into wine. Since you can’t, you’ll need a credit card and a little help from FedEx.

With only four days till Christmas, you need to make haste. But take a moment to learn about the art of wine shipping. Did you know there are certain states that do not allow it? Montana, South Dakota, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania are a few.

angry grape magick sandwich

The grape of wrath?

The “dry state” of Utah I can understand, although I’ve known quite a few Mormon drunkards, believe you me. But New Jersey? Why would it deny its citizens a bit of relief? Luckily, you can help fight this injustice at freethegrapes.org, a national grass roots coalition of wine lovers, wineries and retailers fighting the powerful wine wholesalers’ lobby. Those bastards!

Don’t get sidetracked by this cause, worthy though it may be. For now, you need to concentrate on your wino friends who live in one of the 39 states protected by direct shipping legislation. There are many distributors online, some of whom will package bottles nicely so as to remind your recipient of its heart-healthy benefits while de-emphasizing its cirrhotic effects on the liver.

When choosing your gift, don’t forget to read the fine print. I was perusing wine.woot.com this morning and saw a 2 pack of 2003 Keller Estate Sparkling Brut. How can you go wrong with a 2 pack? So classy and only $49.99. But then I saw this:wine warning magick sandwich

What?  Am I supposed to call Glenn and tell him to stay sober all day so he can sign for the package? His inability to do so only proves that this is the perfect gift for him! What if Nancy’s been huffing paint? Will the FedEx guy be able to tell the difference between high and drunk? What qualifies him to judge? This is human-rights abuse, pure and simple.

Looks like it’s going to be another year of clean piss in Christmas mugs for my parolee friends and festively wrapped syringes for the junkies. Maybe you’re thinking I should get a better class of friends but it isn’t easy to find people happy to get cheap wine. When everything you drink has a screw top, you appreciate a good cork now and then.

More gift ideas:
Great Holiday Gifts: Bacon Edition
Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!

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pig cartoon

Great Holiday Gift Ideas – Bacon Edition

At Magick Sandwich, we like a nice BLT. Minus the L and T, of course. We also know it makes an awesome gift. Surprise your loved ones with the gift that keeps on giving, all the way from tastiness to heartburn to deadly plaque buildup: bacon.

pig cartoonHeard of heirloom tomatoes? Kids’ stuff. The Pig’s Heirloom Bacon Club will ship your loved ones a different “delicious artisan bacon made from heritage pork” each month, selected by professional bacon connoisseurs. That’s an intriguing career choice. There’s probably significant turnover considering the occupational hazard of coronary artery disease. But what a way to go, huh?

From atherosclerosis to cirrhosis, bacon has you covered. This Christmas, gather ’round the tree for a festive eye opener. Friends and family will love the carnivorous cocktails you whip up with Bakon Vodka. (Because you can’t trademark Bacon.) Top them off with Demitri’s Bloody Mary Rim Salt. Bacon. Salt. Bacon salt. Did you just hear angels sing? I did, but that could be my blood pressure medication wearing off.

Time for some inventive foods to soak up all that booze. Pancake and bacon cookies are a fuss-free alternative to a traditional breakfast. Set out a basket of blueberry bacon muffins, a bowl of pork candy, wash it all down with a tall glass of bacon soda or a steaming hot cup of Maple Bacon Morning coffee, and you’ve got a feast your guests won’t soon forget. In fact, they may not let you have Christmas at your house again. Ever. You’re welcome, bacon would say if it could talk, but it can’t because its head was cut off.

Pork Candy Magick Sandwich

This is what pork candy looks like.

But what to do later? If you happen to be in New York City, you’re in luck. Head to Fatty ‘Cue in the West Village for its famous half pound orders of deep-fried bacon. Your guests will think they’ve died and gone to heaven. Or they might just die. Honestly, the pig leg handle on the front door cannot be a good sign.

Pig door handle

It’s so literal.

Finally, for the oddball in the family—we all have one—who lives in the woods, braids his own ear hair and has a statue of Jesus made entirely of toenail clippings, we suggest Tactical Bacon. It’s fully cooked bacon in a can with a 10+ year shelf life so poor old Uncle Mudge will have rations to last him through that zombie apocalypse he’s always muttering about.

Tactical Bacon Can Magick Sandwich

Directions: Open can. Receive bacon.

Conveniently, CMGG Inc, purveyor of Tactical Bacon, also sells firearms. Nothing goes with bacon like a 16″ M300 AAC Blackout Rifle with Pistol Gas System. The next time you’re online shopping for canned breakfast meat, take a look at the armaments. You might want to stock up, you know, just in case Uncle Mudge is right about that whole zombie thing.

More gift ideas:
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!
Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!

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tauntaun sleeping bag

Great Gifts for Everyone on Your List!

It’s that time of year again, when you’re under a mountain of debt and Christmas calls on you to open your heart and your coffers one more time. Let Magick Sandwich help you dazzle your family and friends with the best, most thoughtful gifts of all. Then you can go back to dreaming of a bonus that will bail you out when your bills come due.

For your childless buddy who needs some days off:Office Kid kit“Businesses lose up to $4 billion annually to employee absenteeism due to childcare problems.” — The Welfare-to-Work Partnership

Is it fair that the rest of us should have to pick up the slack? Thanks to the makers of The Office Kid, the answer is a resounding NO! They say, “You’ll soon find that exploiting the joys of parenthood has never been easier. With one simple kit, you can do as your coworkers do–make excuses, miss work and blame it all on your kid.”

For your fashion-obsessed tween:

Louboutin BarbieCobbler to the stars Christian Louboutin has collaborated with Barbie to create this limited edition Cat Burglar Barbie. She comes with a collection of 4 red-soled Louboutins, including ankle boots, peep-toes and knee-high boots. Barbie comes with a stand and is presented in a brown designer-style box with a copy of Christian and Barbie’s travel journal.

At $150, this is much cheaper than a real pair of Louboutin’s sadistic five inch heels. Unfortunately, Cat Burglar Barbie is sold out at the moment. (I, for one, am dying to read her travel journal!) You can sign up on net-a-porter to find out when she’s back in stock. And just to get a jump on next year’s gift, maybe you’d better put the stripper pole on layaway.

For the kids’ next sleepover:tauntaun sleeping bagThe Tauntaun sleeping bag is a great way to introduce the little ones to the great Star Wars series. Oh, who are we kidding? You want one for yourself! And the folks over at ThinkGeek know it because they’ve made it adult size.

The inside is printed to look like intestines and it comes with a lightsaber zipper pull so you can reenact Han Solo cutting it open—it’s dead already so back off, PETA people—to save Luke Skywalker from freezing to death on the planet Hoth. Have “Luke” rip a Silent But Deadly fart so you can utter Han’s famous line: “I thought they…smelled bad…on the outside.”

For the friend fed up with the holiday:Pontius Pilate soap

This big bar of Pontius Pilate soap by Atypyk should have him washing his hands straight through to Easter.

Happy Holidays, everybody!

More gift ideas:
3 Great Gifts for Lonely Friends
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!

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boyfriend pillow 3 great gifts for lonely friends

3 Great Gifts for Lonely Friends

Shopping for friends who can’t seem to function outside of a relationship? Afraid you’re going to be drafted to fill in the gaping hole in their lives? Expend minimal effort to ensure they don’t come crying to you with Magick Sandwich’s 3 great gifts for lonely friends.

The Boyfriend Pillow

boyfriend pillow 3 great gifts for lonely friends

Shield your friend from that empty bed with the Boyfriend Pillow, available here. It will absorb her tears as she cries, “I have never felt so alone.” And it’s wearing a nice button-down shirt so she can also dream that it has a job.

The Bug Vacuum

bug vacuum 3 great gifts for Lonely Friends

This insect vacuum will come in handy because, let’s face it: all her screaming won’t conjure a boyfriend to kill it for her. Hammacher Schlemmer boasts that its version “vacuumed up 24 live crickets in only 15 seconds.” (Did we need to know they were alive at the time?) If your friend needs to vacuum up 24 bugs every 15 seconds, it may be time to fix her up with a local exterminator. It would be a match made in cricket heaven.

Paparazzi for Hire

paparazzi for hire 3 great gifts for lonely friends

Make her fantasies come true by renting a horde of stalkerazzi at Famous for a Day. She’ll be amazed as she’s swarmed by autograph seekers at the laundromat. And when photographers jockey for the best angle, her table for one at MooShu Palace will feel like the best place in town!

Another helpful post:
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends

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i wish i were dead mug

Great Gifts for Depressed Friends!

Hey, everybody! Have you been struggling with what to get for those desperately unhappy people in your life? Why wait for an official holiday? (After all, they could be dead by then.) Sad, lonely people are grateful for the smallest gesture and may even feel a flicker of hope before their inexorable fall back into the bottomless pit of despair. Kudos to you, gift-giver!i wish i were dead mugThe “I Wish I Were Dead” mug from theonion.com makes a lovely gift for a disillusioned co-worker. And it’s grammatically correct, so it’s also a great gift for your insufferable ex-English major friends who’ll probably live to a ripe old age because they can’t finish editing their suicide notes.

Give Up poster kitten

What about a gift for that friend who is teetering on the edge, who hasn’t fully submitted to dejection? The folks at despair.com can help. They have a whole range of products that drive home the laughable futility of hope.

apathy wristband

Finally, here’s an honest fashion statement from our pal Archie McPhee. Every time your loved one looks at his pristine wrist, he will be reminded of your generosity and his true outlook on life. Hopefully, he will at least take off that yellow One-Balled Bicyclist band for good! Just make sure it’s taken off before cremation—burning rubber is bad for the environment! Have a great day!

Related Posts:
Best Suicide Note Ever!
Bill O’Reilly Cures Depression

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