Politics Archives - Magick Sandwich

Weiner Watch 2018: Your Dad’s Not So Bad

June 21, 2018

That’s the look of love.

There are all sorts of reasons Father’s Day can suck, most having to do with some combination of unrealized expectations, righteous ingratitude, and too much (or too little) alcohol. But it could be worse: your dad could be Anthony Weiner.

Imagine, if you will, that on July 31, 2015, your daddy is babysitting you while your mommy travels around the country working to get Hillary Clinton elected as leader of the free world. You toddle into the bedroom where he is lying with his smartphone held aloft and a happy-Mr.-Howdy tent in his Jockey shorts.

He loves you so much that, when you curl up next to him and go to sleep with your blankie, he snaps a heartwarming pic of you and his throbbing crotch brain and sends it to the 40-something divorcée he’s just been texting about his fond memories of a favorite massage parlor in his old neighborhood. It’s a Norman Rockwell moment. (Not the artist: the guy in the drunk tank who jizzes on your shoes and says, “You’re welcome.”)

Someone shares this lovely father-son moment with the New York Post on August 29, 2016. Your mommy doesn’t understand and leaves your daddy the same day. Since then, grownups love to see you spend time with your daddy because there’s always someone watching. They call this being a “witness.”

After the FBI finds out your daddy used your mommy’s work computer to send photos to nice ladies, it reopens its dead case against Hillary Clinton, and your daddy helps Donald Trump become president. A year later, on November 6, 2017, your daddy goes “up the river” to federal prison for sending obscene material to an underage girl.

Today is Father’s Day and you’re going to see your daddy. You’re happy, even though you were secretly hoping to get there by boat. Mommy drives; you never even see the river. She doesn’t come in with you, though. You don’t need her to be there with you. After all, you’re six whole years old now. You feel her loving support from the parking lot.

You have fun, once you get past all the security protecting your daddy. You hug and have vending machine snacks and he tells you sad stories about inmates (like Bernie Madoff’s brother Peter) who don’t get many visits from family for some reason.

Daddy tells you he’ll get out May 14, 2019. Yay! He promises he’ll be really friendly and go door-to-door and introduce himself to all of your neighbors. He says that even though he has to do it because he’s now called a “quote-unquote sex offender,” he really wants to.

Then he asks if he can borrow your phone.

More Weiner:
Weiner Watch 2011
Don’t Cry for Anthony Weiner
Anthony Weiner Waves His Wiener Once More

Dump ‘n’ Trump

August 11, 2015

Dump ‘n’ Trump

One ends up a worthless piece of sh*t.

The other was born that way.

Anthony Weiner Waves His Wiener Once More

July 26, 2013

Back in June of 2011, I thought we had put the issue of Anthony Weiner to bed, as it were. He had finally resigned from Congress after a “sexting” scandal. Whether you call it moral turpitude or just good clean fun, Mr. Weiner, with his tailor-made-for-a-joke name, had shown an astonishing lack of judgment and paid a steep price for it.

How could anyone trust a public official who thought randy Facebook messages and Twitter pics of his own congressional member were a good idea? The photographic proof that he shaved himself bald as a toddler might not be technically illegal but I believe it constitutes an ocular assault, creating a face/testicle association that can only be overcome by never seeing either again.

After a period of denial that his political life was over (as reported in our own Weiner Watch 2011), he resigned. His beleaguered wife gave birth and he disappeared into private life, taking the memory of his pristine taint with him. And all was well until it wasn’t. Mr. Weiner had taken time off, done a lot of soul-searching and decided he should run for New York City mayor.

Perhaps he was emboldened by Eliot Spitzer’s current run for city Comptroller. Spitzer was a tough attorney general with a reputation for chasing bad guys like an Old West marshal before being elected governor of New York State. He derailed his career by getting caught patronizing prostitutes and gradually rehabilitated his image by (1) acknowledging his hubris, (2) appearing as an expert on his own and other TV shows, and (3) taking a pummeling from comedians like Stephen Colbert, who asked him why we should elect a comptroller who has no self-“comp”trol. A good sense of humor goes a long way with New Yorkers. I just hope he’s learned his lesson.

Which brings me back to Mr. Weiner. Apparently, he has not kept his wiener under wraps and has consequently seared my brain further with the mercifully pixellated yet still obviously denuded object of his affection. (I’m sure the uncensored version is available for viewing but I’m not going to look for it. I have nothing against the penis per se. I just believe in our right to choose.)

In his 2011 press conference, he admitted sending naked pics but said he couldn’t be sure it was his penis in the photos that surfaced. I’ve heard of face blindness before, a brain disorder that renders the sufferer unable to identify any face, but this may be the first recorded case of dick blindness. Waking up each morning unable to recognize his own groin would explain his constant urge to get reacquainted and his compulsion to photograph it. In essence, he was sending a digitized flyer that might read something like this:

Anthony Weiner Penis poster Magick Sandwich

So many people have seen it, it’s surprising no one has claimed it yet. Perhaps he should try putting it on the side of a milk carton.

The shame of being forced to resign from Congress has not dimmed Weiner’s enthusiasm for engaging in smutty wordplay and sharing images of his proud phallus. Having been through this before, he still believes he can be taken seriously as a political candidate without fear of ridicule or more scandal. It’s difficult to see this as anything but an IQ test Weiner can’t seem to pass. But there are a couple of differences this time.

On Tuesday, his wife Huma Abedin was by his side at the press conference and gave a poignant speech. It’s a savvy move. If she can forgive him, can’t we all? Then a reporter asked Weiner when his wife found out that he had continued to send messages even after his resignation from Congress. His reply? “She knew all along, um, the process as I was more and more honest with her.” Funny, that sounds much like what happens when lies fail, one after another, until the truth is all that’s left.

It’s a shaky basis for a claim to the moral high ground but hardly enough to disqualify him for public office. I can even forgive him for thinking that switching from Facebook to Yahoo would protect him from discovery. For me, the final nail in the coffin of Weiner’s career is his choice of pseudonym: Carlos Danger.

This is my new favorite T-shirt.

The moniker has even inspired an unlikely ad campaign by Spirit Airlines, which offers a discount to celebrate the disgraced politician’s, ahem, rise:

image not to scale

This gives new meaning to the term nom de plume. Does Anthony Weiner secretly picture himself as nice Jewish boy by day, 70s porn star by night? One thing I can say for sure is that Weiner has no female friends. Otherwise, one of us would have told him that no one wants to see Danger’s dangler.

More Weiner:
Don’t Cry for Anthony Weiner
Weiner Watch 2018: Your Dad’s Not So Bad

Don’t Cry for Anthony Weiner

June 16, 2011

Anthony Weiner is finally going to resign. I think he should have done it much sooner. That he didn’t is an indication of his arrogance; to believe he could stay in office was as delusional as the idea he could take and send photos of his shaved genitalia and never get caught.

There’s already a wave of protest online. He didn’t break any laws. Republicans David Vitter, Mark Sanford, and Larry Craig did not resign over infidelity, soliciting prostitutes and lying about it. This is true, with an important exception. Use of government computers and smartphones to send photos and messages would be actionable.

I’m not convinced that a person who used Facebook and Twitter so inappropriately would be able to control the urge–to draw the line–at the office. I think Mr. Weiner may have known that was going to be exposed in the internal investigation.

Did anyone believe him when he denied sending the first crotch photo but said he could not say with certitude whether said crotch was his? That’s parsing the truth on a Clintonian level.

I just want to pause for a moment to address Ginger Lee, the porn actress who exchanged hundreds of emails with Congressman Weiner.

Ms. Lee, he asked you to lie about your communications, offered to get you PR help and sent you a statement to give to the press saying he’d sent you only one short message thanking you for your support.

So you held a press conference with Gloria Effing Allred and announced that he always steered your conversations toward sex. Ms. Lee? You’re a porn star! What else would he talk to you about? Spinoza?

Geez, what a messed up world we live in. Sometimes it seems more suited to a Monty Python skit than to objective reality. It would be funny if it weren’t news. In our post-ironic you betcha society, humor, and self-awareness cede more ground every day to empty heads and earnest ignorance.

In the midst of this, a well-endowed Jewish legislator got caught waving his wiener. At a press conference this afternoon, he will wave the white flag. Hopefully, he’ll keep his pants on this time.

*****

2:25 pm Update:

He just resigned and I have to say that I feel terrible for him. The heckling was obscene. Whatever I feel about this man’s failings, he didn’t deserve that indignity. (Yes, I know how ironic that sounds.) He bore up surprisingly well in the face of inexcusable behavior by many of those in the room. There could have been no more cruel blow to his ego. I’m glad his wife wasn’t there. I hate to think what questions would have been hurled at her. I’m sure there will be much speculation about her absence. I hope they have a supportive group around them. Certainly, none of them were in evidence in that room today.

*****

June 17, 2018 Update:

>Who knew at the time it could get so, so much worse? Apparently, abject humiliation was an aphrodisiac for Weiner. He got off on the Danger, so to speak. On September 10, 2013, he lost the Democratic primary after receiving less than 5 percent of the vote.

On July 31, 2015, Weiner sexted a photo of his erection, mercifully clothed, with his three-year-old son in bed next to him. It surfaced in the New York Post on August 29, 2016. Hours later, his wife announced she was leaving him. Today, Weiner’s son spent Father’s Day visiting his dad in federal prison, where he’s serving a 21-month term for “sexting” a minor.

This dumb prick and his proud owner have wreaked havoc on a global scale. Huma Abedin worked on Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign. Weiner’s use of her work computer to send pics of himself in flagrante de-dick-to enabled the FBI to reopen its fruitless investigation into Clinton’s alleged email server abuse just days before the election and helped Donald J. Trump become president.

Putin, send your thank-you card to: Inmate #79112-054, c/o FMC Devens, Federal Medical Center, PO Box 879, Ayer, MA 01432.

More Weiner:
Weiner Watch 2011
Weiner Watch 2018: Your Dad’s Not So Bad
Anthony Weiner Waves His Wiener Once More

Weiner Watch 2011

June 8, 2011

What’s that in your eye?

As of this writing, Congressman Anthony Weiner has refused to resign over sending photographs of his suspicious package to young girls across this great nation of ours. Predictions as to when he will cave under pressure continue apace. I think it will happen Friday at the latest, sooner if Nancy Pelosi gets her hands on him. But I’m no Jimmy the Greek–for all I know, it’s happening right now. It’s anybody’s guess.

The only certainty is that he will resign, despite his vows to the contrary. Weiner is discovering there is scant support for a crusading lone wolf type, especially when the improprieties revealed are so mind-numbingly stupid. I hope Eliot Spitzer has called to let him know that resignation is the first step toward image rehabilitation. I’m getting tired of watching him twist in the wind.

The junk shot seen ’round the world.

The blogger who broke this story claims to have a more salacious photograph he is holding as insurance against retaliation from the Democrats. I submit that Weiner has more to fear from the Party than the blogger does. Any number of politicians–on either side of the aisle–could tell him damage done to the Party is not soon forgiven. This begs the question: what the hell is wrong with these people? Men, to be specific. Is there some sort of testosterone poisoning that causes them to secretly father children, to hire an escort from an online site or attempt to pick up a man in an airport bathroom, all while trumpeting “family values”?

And now a man named Weiner pitches a pup tent in his shorts, documents it, then shares it with young girls, thereby exciting himself all over again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Were he not a public servant, one might admire Weiner’s use of Facebook and Twitter to perfect his own perpetual erection machine. Then again, judicious use of pornography in the privacy of his own home might have achieved the same goal. And he’d still have a career. Facebook and Twitter are public and people share things. Who knew? Apparently not Congressman Weiner.

Anthony Weiner takes his place in a long line of idiots seemingly ruled by their dicks. Conservatives are taking this opportunity to call for the Democratic Party to return donations. Let’s get real here, guys. If the Republicans gave back donations after every sex scandal, they wouldn’t have the proverbial pot to piss in. They’re going to need it when they’re calling the kettle black.

Updates from Weiner World:
Don’t Cry for Anthony Weiner
Anthony Weiner Waves His Wiener Once More
Weiner Watch 2018: Your Dad’s Not So Bad

Begin the Day With a Friendly Voice

April 28, 2009

There should be only one Rush to rule the airwaves.
Up with Lee, Lifeson and Peart!
Down with hate-mongering Limbaugh!

More:
Stop Picking on Rush Limbaugh!

Stop Picking on Rush Limbaugh!

January 31, 2009

On Wednesday, January 21, Rush Limbaugh struck a blow for freedom and truth. While others cowered like toadies of the new administration, he spoke truth to power, saying:

I hope he fails.

To be fair, the full quote is this:

So I shamelessly say, no, I want him to fail, if his agenda is a far- left collectivism, some people say socialism, as a conservative heartfelt, deeply, why would I want socialism to succeed?

See, that’s not so bad, is it? He’s qualifying his desire for the President (and by extension the U.S. government and all its citizens) to go down in a smoking pile of wreckage.

As he told Sean Hannity of FOX, he was just saying what everyone was thinking. He then chastised Republicans who’ve “drunk the Kool-Aid.” (Will that beloved drink ever live down the whole Jim Jones thing? Talk about a PR nightmare.)

We’re witnessing racism all this week that led up to the inauguration. We are being told that we have to hope he succeeds, that we have to bend over, grab the ankles, bend over forward, backward, whichever, because his father was black, because this is the first black president.

Limbaugh exposes the outrage of Obama’s not having the decency to have two white parents. Then again, I’m fairly sure that the press and those on both sides of the aisle suffered similar humiliation when forced to cheer for Obama’s predecessor. I imagine that must have felt like having Bozo the clown give one an enema.

In keeping with Mr. Limbaugh’s bracing honesty, I respectfully express to him my own heartfelt wish:

I hope you OD, you bloated pill-popping parasite, you weeping sore on the ass of humanity.