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Anthony Weiner Watch 2018

Weiner Watch 2018: Your Dad’s Not So Bad

Anthony Weiner Watch 2018

That’s the look of love.

There are all sorts of reasons Father’s Day can suck, most having to do with some combination of unrealized expectations, righteous ingratitude, and too much (or too little) alcohol. But it could be worse: your dad could be Anthony Weiner.

Imagine, if you will, that on July 31, 2015, your daddy is babysitting you while your mommy travels around the country working to get Hillary Clinton elected as leader of the free world. You toddle into the bedroom where he is lying with his smartphone held aloft and a happy-Mr.-Howdy tent in his Jockey shorts.

He loves you so much that, when you curl up next to him and go to sleep with your blankie, he snaps a heartwarming pic of you and his throbbing crotch brain and sends it to the 40-something divorcée he’s just been texting about his fond memories of a favorite massage parlor in his old neighborhood. It’s a Norman Rockwell moment. (Not the artist: the guy in the drunk tank who jizzes on your shoes and says, “You’re welcome.”)

Someone shares this lovely father-son moment with the New York Post on August 29, 2016. Your mommy doesn’t understand and leaves your daddy the same day. Since then, grownups love to see you spend time with your daddy because there’s always someone watching. They call this being a “witness.”

After the FBI finds out your daddy used your mommy’s work computer to send photos to nice ladies, it reopens its dead case against Hillary Clinton, and your daddy helps Donald Trump become president. A year later, on November 6, 2017, your daddy goes “up the river” to federal prison for sending obscene material to an underage girl.

Today is Father’s Day and you’re going to see your daddy. You’re happy, even though you were secretly hoping to get there by boat. Mommy drives; you never even see the river. She doesn’t come in with you, though. You don’t need her to be there with you. After all, you’re six whole years old now. You feel her loving support from the parking lot.

You have fun, once you get past all the security protecting your daddy. You hug and have vending machine snacks and he tells you sad stories about inmates (like Bernie Madoff’s brother Peter) who don’t get many visits from family for some reason.

Daddy tells you he’ll get out May 14, 2019. Yay! He promises he’ll be really friendly and go door-to-door and introduce himself to all of your neighbors. He says that even though he has to do it because he’s now called a “quote-unquote sex offender,” he really wants to.

Then he asks if he can borrow your phone.

More Weiner:
Weiner Watch 2011
Don’t Cry for Anthony Weiner
Anthony Weiner Waves His Wiener Once More
Copyright Notice 2018 Magick Sandwich

6 things you should never tell cancer patient

6 Things You Should Never Tell a Cancer Patient

6 things you should never tell cancer patientFive years ago, on June 1, 2012, I found out that, like one in eight women in America, I had breast cancer. Within a two-week period, one of our cats died, my husband lost his job, his aunt passed away and, while he was in Illinois attending her funeral, I got the news by phone.

It was caught early by an eagle-eyed radiologist who saw a small spot on my digital mammogram. Insurance companies often won’t cover this more sensitive test because it costs more. In January of 2016, the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force raised the recommended age at which women should begin mammography screening from 40 to 50. (The medical community had opposed the change since it was first proposed in 2009.) Had I waited that long, I might be dead now.

I had a lumpectomy on July 3rd, followed by chemotherapy and radiation, which finished up at the end of January 2013. Five years later, I’m still cancer-free.

I bonded with several women going through the same thing. We’d pass our time in the waiting room joking about how none of us had lost weight from chemo despite what movies show, and how easy it is to forget where your eyebrows were after they fall out: Sometimes you draw them on and look angry or surprised, or angry on one side and surprised on the other.

We also talked about the comments well-meaning people said to us when they found out we had cancer. I related my friend’s story of how strangers touched her belly when she was pregnant, then got offended when she told them to stop. With cancer, too, people feel entitled to weigh in, assuming a level of familiarity that may not exist.

Here is my list, gleaned from my experience, of six things you should never tell a cancer patient:

1. Everything happens for a reason. Yes, the reason is cancer. Is it because I paid the gas bill late or didn’t send a Christmas card? Think this through, please. Even if there is some cosmic plan, is that supposed to cheer me up? (“Your death will provide a valuable life lesson for your family.”)

2. [She] is fighting a battle with cancer. My chest is not a war zone. I prefer to say I’m having a slap fight with cancer. Sounds less ominous and it’s a nice visual, too. I’ve rarely heard anyone say, “She just gave up. What a wuss!”

3. Check out this email from Johns Hopkins about what really causes cancer. This is a hoax that’s been circulating since 2008. Johns Hopkins has repeatedly refuted it, but it still terrifies people. Whoever who wrote this should be flogged.

4. This [alternative therapy] really works. Ever meet someone who cured cancer by drinking his own pee? Probably not. Want to talk to Steve Jobs about the miracle macrobiotic cure he did for months before agreeing to conventional treatment? Oh, that’s right, you can’t: he’s dead.

5. Cheese causes cancer. I blame some Internet sub-genius for starting the Big-Dairy-doesn’t-want-you-to-know-this-is-killing-you panic about casein, what Alex Jones likes to call an excitotoxin. (Funny, that’s what I call him.) Casein is a protein found in mammalian milk, including human milk. So…breastfeeding causes cancer? Milk is murder?

I’m not saying I’m an expert. Having cancer doesn’t make you an expert any more than sitting on an airplane makes you a pilot. I understand that sickness scares people; it’s only human to want to define it and reassure themselves it won’t happen to them. Bullshit artists like Louise Hay have made a lot of money blaming people for their own illnesses. Which brings me to:

6. Negativity causes cancer. If that’s true, the person who says this must be riddled with it.

You know how they say a stranger is just a friend with an unsolicited opinion you haven’t heard yet? (Okay, nobody says that, but I’m trying to start a trend.) Everyone from my cat’s veterinarian to a city’s worth of taxi drivers felt compelled to share their wisdom. I wish I’d had the presence of mind to say, “Oh, this isn’t from chemo. I shaved my head to commemorate that time I killed someone for sticking his nose in my business.”

Sometimes a little negativity can be fun, no?

Related posts:
I’m Radioactive – Laughing at Cancer
Tales from the Waiting Room – Laughing at Cancer
Pink Ribbon Products from Car Horns to Handguns

Copyright Notice 2018 Magick Sandwich

Mother Lode of Stupid Baby Names

The Mother Lode of Stupid Baby Names

Bad Baby Names

As we wait with bated breath to learn the name Kim Kardashian and Kanye West choose for North West’s little brother (because nothing else is going on in the world), let Magick Sandwich entertain you with its nearly comprehensive yet thoroughly incomprehensible list of stupid baby names and the sadists who came up with them.

Repeat Offenders

Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson named their daughter Maxwell Drew in honor of his dad’s middle name and Jessica’s mom’s middle name, respectively. Son Ace Knute was born 20 months later in 2013. He was named Knute after Eric’s grandfather and Ace after, what? A bandage? Frehley? The Red Baron?

Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale named their youngest son Apollo Bowie Flynn after their mothers’ maiden names. Since their other sons, Zuma Nesta Rock and Kingston James McGregor, were named for Stefani and Rossdale’s favorite places, can we assume they took a secret trip to the moon between tours? (Maybe that’s what split them up–it sucked all the oxygen out of their relationship.)

Soleil Moon Frye and Jason Goldberg have a son, Lyric Sonny Roads, and two daughters, Poet Sienna Rose and Jagger Joseph Blue, names that remind us of ice cream, crayons and paint chips, not necessarily in that order.

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin named their son Moses for a song he wrote for Coldplay and daughter Apple because it sounded “lovely and clean,” not because they were on a fruit cleanse or illegally downloading better music onto their iPods. If only their kids could consciously uncouple from their names.

Girls

Jay-Z and Beyoncé liked Blue Ivy, the name they chose for their daughter, so much that they tried to have it trademarked. It had already been taken by a Boston wedding planner. Isn’t there a site they could have checked first? Yes–Trademark Electronic Search System (TESS), in case you ever need it.

Alicia Keys and Swiss Beatz named their daughter Egypt in honor of a life-changing trip. Thank goodness it wasn’t to Bayonne.

Holly Madison, previously one of “The Girls Next Door” known for letting Hugh Hefner play with her lady parts, named her daughter (with Pasquale Rotella, not Hef) Rainbow Aurora. Warm up the stripper pole. Was Inflamed Herpes Sore already taken?

According to Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, they decided to name their daughter Wyatt after coming up with it at a Lakers game. Anything would be preferable to actually watching a Lakers game.

Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard named their daughter Lincoln Bell and claimed it had nothing to do with our sixteenth president. Instead, she was named after Shepard’s first car. If so, it’s a good thing it wasn’t a Gremlin. Then they’d have to explain their kid had nothing to do with a certain beloved movie franchise from the 1980s.

Why did Zooey Deschanel and Jacob Pechenik name their daughter Elsie Otter? Zoey explained on the Today Show, “We just really liked the name Elsie and then we both love otters. They’re very sweet, and they’re also smart.”

Otters are vicious carnivores. Narwhals are cute. Everybody knows that.

At least Elsie is a recognizable name. Blake Anderson named his daughter Mars Ilah. Mars. Ilah. Lorenzo Lamas named his daughter Press. That isn’t even a proper name, is it? Garlic, cider, permanent: those are presses.

Rob Morrow named his daughter Tu. Tu Morrow. What a dick.

Other questionable girl’s names include Arlo Lemoyne Yoko (Johnny Knoxville); Romy Hero (Sam Taylor-Wood); Royal Reign (L’il Kim); Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee); Moxie Crimefighter (Penn Jillette); Maxwell Lue (Lindsay Sloane); Autumn James (Jennifer Love Hewitt); Harper (Tiffani Amber-Thiessen); Harper Seven (Victoria Beckham); and James (Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds).

Boys

Musicians Ciara and Future named their son Future. It’s too bad his dad’s given name is Nayvadius Wilburn. Otherwise, he could be called Future II and that would put us in mind of another beloved movie franchise of the 1980s.

It should come as no shock that Jenelle Evans of “16 and Pregnant” gave birth to son Jace Vahn when she was sixteen. Last year, she had another son and named him Kaiser Orion.

Kaiser joins Banjo (Rachel Griffiths); Kal-El (Nicolas Cage); Bodhi Ransom (Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green); Kase Townes (Jewel and Ty Murray); Meredith Daniel (Jay Mohr), Sundance (Kerri Walsh); Bear Blaze (Kate Winslet); Bear Blu (Alicia Silverstone); Axl Jack (Fergie); Kroy (Kim Zolciak); Zolten (Jillette again); Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz (Beckham again).

Double Winners

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon occupy a category unto themselves: first-timers guilty of multiple offenses after the birth of their twins. They named their girl Monroe after Mariah’s idol, Marilyn Monroe. What inspired them to name their son Moroccan? He’s named after the décor in one of Mariah’s favorite rooms of her $9 million penthouse in New York.

It gets weirder. Cannon bragged that Mariah insisted her Madison Square Garden performance of Fantasy be played during labor, so the twins emerged to the sound of applause.

The Stupid Baby Name Award goes to…

Jeremy Sisto and Addie Layne, who named their daughter Charlie-Ballerina in 2009. They wanted to call her Charlie Kyd, but David Duchovny had already used Kyd for his son. So when their son was born in 2012, they named him Bastian Kick. They reasoned that Kick was close to Kyd and, according to Sisto, “He felt like a ‘B’ somehow … and we went for the B’s,” What, he didn’t deserve a hyphen?

Congratulations,  Moms and Dads! You suck. Luckily, you can afford the therapy your children will require for the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder they will experience after suffering through their childhoods saddled with names so stupid, fruit flies would kill themselves to avoid a lifetime of embarrassment…and they only live a few weeks.

Kids, you can change your name! If you want to mess with your parents’ heads, switch to something even crazier. May we suggest Glyph, Magma, Subvert, Irony, Periodic Table or ellemenopee?

More crazy names:
Stupid Baby Names Generator, or Zuma Nesta Rock Paper Scissors: Home Edition
Stupid Baby Names, Part Duh
Still More Stupid Baby Names

Copyright Magick Sandwich

Gifts for Idiots

Gifts for Idiots

In the crush of holiday shopping, it’s easy to forget to take time to thank the season’s real innovators, those who work at the frontiers of imagination to add ever more useless crap to the world. This season, let’s honor them with the ridicule they so richly deserve before consigning their wares to the landfill of memory.

 

The Selfie Brush “makes your cellphone easy to hold for the best selfies ever”
because what girl doesn’t want to turn her iPhone into a cheap plastic hairbrush?
The Theradome LH80 Pro laser helmet costs $895 and promises to slow hair loss. Though it admits new hair growth may take up to a year to appear, this is worth every penny to the giver who gets another person to spend 365 days looking like an extra from TRON.
Even the most die-hard atheist might feel a bit blasphemous about taking a bite out of the baby Jesus, even if he is in reality a chocolate-covered cherry limned in frosting. But don’t worry: this edible Nativity scene is one of Oprah’s Favorite Things. The thought of her chowing down on the wise men might be disturbing but she’s the closest thing we have to a deity, so if She says it’s okay, it’s okay. Bon appetit.
Finally, for only $12,500, Celestis Pets will launch a “symbolic portion of [your pet’s] cremated remains” into deep space and “provides your beloved pet with an incredible journey through the stars, allowing them to explore places they could have only dreamed of in life.” I’m not sure what my cat Rocky dreamed of but I’m pretty sure he would have spent that money on hookers and blow.
Here’s to a happy holiday season filled with fun, good cheer and the sneaking suspicion that if Fido finds out you’re seriously considering sending his ashes into zero gravity, he will chew on your soft parts while you sleep.

 

Copyright Magick Sandwich
Pink Ribbon Products bagel

Pink Ribbon Products from Car Horns to Handguns

Breast Cancer Pink Ribbon Products bagel

This is a bagel. (What did you think it was?)

What would Breast Cancer Month (aka October) be without a smorgasbord of pink-tastic breast cancer awareness-themed treats from cookies, mints, hard lemonade, jelly beans, popcorn and  PEZ to ribbon-shaped cakes, chocolates, cupcake sprinkles, lollipops, pasta and bagels? Rarely has life-threatening illness tasted so delicious.

Of course, we shouldn’t forget the memorial pink ribbon products not meant to pass through the alimentary canal: perfume, knee socks, beer koozies, curling irons, chewing gum, flip flops, beach balls, tote bags, vegetable peelers, bathrobes, fishing rods, chip clips, aprons, emery boards, tiaras (tiari?), golf tees, teddy bears, car fresheners, tablecloths, tambourines, mailbox covers, guns, gnomes, cowbells and vibrators.

Breast Cancer Pink Ribbon ProductsPuns are a perennial favorite and seem to grow more tortured with each passing year. Suit up in a pink ribbon Speedo from Breaststroke 4 Hope, “designed to inspire the aquatic community to dive in and make a difference. Let’s fight breast cancer together, one lap at a time.” (That last bit would make a good strip club promotion, too.) While I’m sure this is an earnest, worthwhile endeavor, with its website listed as Coming Soon and 12 likes to date on Facebook, someone needs to get out of the pool and get to work.
Breast Cancer Pink Ribbon Products
The Keep A Breast Foundation appeals to youth culture with “i❤boobies!” wristbands and makes early detection cool with its #checkyourselfie Twitter campaign. I’m happy that, aside from a few confused bird lovers, its site reaches hip youngsters who won’t pay attention to important things with boring or yucky names. Though its moniker is catchy, I wish KAB had found a different play on words to suggest we keep both breasts. Perhaps the bracelet should say “i❤booby!”, though it seems wrong to play favorites with one’s breasts…or fun bags, for any young people reading this.

Baker Hughes, an oilfield service company, painted 1,000 of its drill bits pink, apparently to raise awareness miles underground where they will hydraulically fracture rock to free patches of oil. It then donated $100,000 to the Susan G. Komen Foundation and adopted the slogan “Doing Our Bit for the Cure.” The company reported $5,700,000,000 in revenue with a net profit of $336,000,000 in the first quarter of 2014. Projected annually, Baker Hughes has given .007% of its profits to the charity. In this instance, it would seem that the “bit” has a third meaning, as in “Giving a Little Bit for the Cure.”

Breast Cancer Pink Ribbon Products

The Komen foundation, which licensed the use of its signature pink hue, has come under fire for partnering with a company that pumps toxic chemicals into the earth, potentially poisoning drinking water and off-gassing pollutants that accelerate climate change (if you believe in that sort of thing). Perhaps Komen could use a new motto for its tees, hats and gloves: Frack Cancer. It’s a tad naughty but still appropriate for a church picnic. That idea is free of charge but if you use it, can I claim it on my taxes?

*****

I began my journey into the heart of pinkness innocently enough, intending only to write about JC Penney’s ads, in which pennies (get it?) are held over women’s breasts. Critics complain they devalue women but I say kudos to them for sexualizing small change. Lincoln would be so proud. At least they tell us to save them, not pinch them. That would be disrespectful.

Breast Cancer Pink Ribbon Products JC Penney
Once I started looking into the subject, I couldn’t help but notice that there are an awful lot of products associated with Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I have catalogued some of the more memorable ones here. It is by no means an exhaustive list but I can tell you it has exhausted me.
*****
Breast Cancer Pink Ribbon Products
Gear for the sportswoman or man who’s comfortable in his masculinity.
*****
Breast Cancer Pink Ribbon Products
No matter how you choose to adorn your garden and car or wildly overestimate the resale value of commemorative coins, please do not ever do this to your dog.
*****
Breast Cancer Pink Ribbon Products
At least two of these items make bath time lots of fun. Getting drunk and needing more cowbell is up to you. Unfortunately, researching the be-ribboned vibrator has negatively impacted my Amazon recommendation list.
Breast Cancer Pink Ribbon Products
*****
Breast Cancer Pink Ribbon Products Pedi Egg
Perhaps my favorite product tie-in is this special, limited edition of the PediEgg, a cheese grater-like callus remover, which makes sense because, as we all know, feet are the boobs of the legs.
*****

Of the above products, gun, alcohol and vibrator sales benefit cancer research. The National Football League is the real hero here, donating 8% of profits from sales—this month only—of its half dollar coins. (Why not give them directly to charity? They are money, right?) Since October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month, the NFL will do its part to raise awareness by continuing to beat women with impunity and children where indicated. You’re welcome.

More like this:

6 Things You Should Never Tell a Cancer Patient
I’m Radioactive – Laughing at Cancer
Good News. Really.
Tales from the Waiting Room
I See Your Breast and Raise You a Penis: A Word Game

Copyright Notice 2018 Magick Sandwich

 

Naughty Little Elf Gets Off the Shelf

Naughty Little Elf Gets off the Shelf

It all started innocently enough. The “Elf on a Shelf” is a pretty self-explanatory Christmas tradition that I thought would be cute to give to my niece. But I didn’t know it has a backstory that makes it special and not a little creepy — depending on how you feel about animated dolls.

Shelf not included

The elf reports to Santa every night and returns to a different spot the next morning. Sounds a lot like Chucky. Or in this case, bride of Chucky: I got my niece the newfangled girl elf because, hey, I’m nothing if not progressive. And she loves the thing, tells it she’s been nice, looks to see where it’s sitting when she gets up and calls it Clarice. (Yes, I know.)

So her parents have to get inventive…and this is where this tale takes a dark turn. (Forgive me, Santa.) I suggested it would be funny to put the elf in places wildly inappropriate for a child to discover. And my awesome sister-in-law took the idea and ran with it. I spent the evening laughing my ass off at these and thought it was unfair to keep them to myself. If sharing is caring, Merry Christmas.

My favorite

Playing with Doctor Barbie? Naughty girl!

REDRUM


Haven’t you always wondered how elves drop a deuce? Wonder no more!

To avoid inflicting emotional damage to both young and old, photos of Clarice in compromising positions with Woody from Toy Story have been redacted.

Copyright Magick Sandwich

tombstone magick sandwich fixins

Sandwich Fixins #9

 When I can’t stand the clutter in the fridge, I bring you another serving of sandwich fixins.

 *****
What’s the warranty on an exorcism?
*****
I’m sad that Hugo Chavez’ body was too decomposed to be preserved and displayed like Lenin. It means no one will ever be able to break into his glass casket and dress him in crotchless panties.
*****
 
Why do pickles say “Refrigerate After Opening?”
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People who love pigeons should be forced to feed them worms and grubs. Do they
just assume the birds prefer stale bread, with all those carbs and
gluten?  Why isn’t PETA on this?
*****
Could Lois Lane get cancer from Superman’s X-ray vision?
*****
If tombstones are our final caption, I’d like mine to read “Ask me
about alternative medicine.” Or maybe “Incurable romantic.” I also like
“This isn’t my gum.” I can’t decide. Maybe I could pay people to let me
carve things onto their dead loved ones’ gravestones. That could work.
tombstone magick sandwich fixins

Fixins Archive:
Sandwich Fixins #8
Sandwich Fixins #7
Sandwich Fixins #6

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