product of the week Archives

Radiant Tampons: Product of the Week

April 18, 2012

I’ve seen some odd stuff–everything from scrotal wash to anal bleach–but never at my local pharmacy. So when Tampax Radiant Tampons turned up at Walgreen’s, it piqued my interest. I found this description on the Tampax website:

“New Tampax Radiant tampons give you an ultimate protection experience like never before!”

Radiant? Does it double as a flashlight? Is it a nuclear energy source? Does it glow in the dark? I have to admit, that could come in handy during a blackout. Or a rave.

“The Radiant tampon features FormFit™ protection that gently expands to fit your unique shape….”

I’ve always assumed that all vaginas are fairly similar. How unique can they be? Square, rhomboid? Surely not fractal?! I don’t know how we’ve survived all these years without this bespoke tampon. I am also glad to read that it “gently expands.” We’ve all had too many of those things going off like airbags up there. Am I right, ladies?

“…a LeakGuard™ braid to help stop leaks before they happen…”

This just seems like a waste of perfectly good extensions.

“…a CleanSeal™ wrapper—the first ever re-sealable wrapper for worry-free disposal…”

Why would we worry? Are we in space, trash floating free in the capsule? Training a cadaver-sniffing canine unit? Camping in bear country? Trying to hide our preoperative female-to-male gender reassignment from friends? (We know who we are.)

“…and a CleanGrip™ applicator designed for incredible comfort.”

This is definitely preferable to DirtyGrip™ or GreasyGrip™ (which are probably already on the market as lube). It sounds a bit like ad copy for a Brookstone personal massager. Still, I’m sure that Tampax has done a lot of research into this truly new and different product and hasn’t just had its marketing department come up with new and different words to sell the same old thing.

So when the woman in the stall next to you breaks into song and yells, “I’m incredibly comfortable!” you’ll know she has a Tampax Radiant tampon to thank.

But you still may want to alert the authorities.

More dirty business:
Fart Filter: Product of the Week
Magick Monday Manscaping
Pimp Your Vajajay for Valentine’s Day!
Scrotal Deodorant Wash: Product of the Week

Chocolate Powered by Prayer: Product of the Week

March 1, 2010

Despite our name, we at Magick Sandwich do not believe in magical foodstuffs. So imagine our surprise when we found this company peddling enlightened delectation: Intentional Chocolate.

First of all, let me point out that unless you’re being tortured–the technical term might be choco-boarding– your ingestion of chocolate could arguably be defined as intentional. But this company goes way beyond that simple definition.

Its founder, Jim Walsh, states: “Whoever consumes this chocolate will manifest optimal health and functioning at physical, emotional and mental levels and in particular will enjoy an increased sense of energy, vigor and well-being for the benefit of all beings.”

This feat is accomplished by having each chocolate prayed over by “advanced meditators — some who have trained with the Dalai Lama — and is delivered with love to those who eat it.” I would hope in addition to love, the Lama taught them to use sneeze guards, rubber gloves and observe the “Employees Must Wash Hands” sign in the company restroom. No offense to these highly-trained love infusion specialists, but I don’t want monk snot or worse on my chocolate.

Still skeptical? It’s been “proven by scientific research to heighten well-being.” In 2007, alternative health journal Explore (which also touts garlic as a breast cancer preventive) reported that a study of 62 people found that subjects who ate the intention-infused chocolate had more energy and better moods after three days than subjects stuck with plain chocolate. Wow, I’m convinced. Imagine what they could accomplish if they prayed for world peace?

The site also asks this deep question. “Why is a home cooked meal so satisfying and healing? Because it was made with love and infused with care.” But my grandparents hated each other. Why didn’t her cooking kill him? Hey, wait a second…he did die, eventually. This Jim Walsh guy is onto something. Just to be on the safe side, make sure someone tickles the chef or slips him a Prozac the next time you’re out to dinner.

More products:
Prescription Eyelashes: Product of the Week
Fart Filter: Product of the Week

Stupid Baby? Sue Disney

October 27, 2009

From The New York Times:

Parent alert: the Walt Disney Company is now offering refunds for all those “Baby Einstein” videos that did not make children into geniuses.

Obviously, Disney has not been delivering on its implied promise to parents buying Baby Einstein and its other titles, Baby Mozart, Baby Shakespeare and Baby Galileo. Susan Linn, director of Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, decided to do something about it.

In 2006, she prevailed upon Disney and another company, Brainy Baby, to drop the word “educational” from their marketing. But this wasn’t enough to warn parents that their children would not become the next Jonas Salk or Madame Curie by viewing a few DVDs.

“Disney was never held accountable, and parents were never given any compensation. So we shared our information and research with a team of public health lawyers,” Ms. Linn said.

After threatening a class-action lawsuit alleging unfair and deceptive advertising, these brave crusaders were able to secure a full refund for anyone feeling unfairly saddled by a still-stupid baby. After all, Disney must be held responsible for a child doodling with poop when he should be explaining string theory.

According to the article, studies have been done which show that television watching from one through three years of age is associated with attention problems at age seven. As opposed to attention problems from just, say, being seven.

Isn’t it ironic that the people running these studies were probably raised by mothers who drank and smoked while pregnant and didn’t baby-proof their homes? Now we don’t even have toilet-drownings or socket-forkings to thin the herd.

I hope it’s not too late to get in on this action. I spent years playing with the Fisher Price farm set, yet I now live in a city and cannot grow crops, not even a measly window sill garden. My Easy Bake oven did not imbue me with pastry-making aplomb. Watching Scooby Doo failed to help me solve crime. And my experience with Weebles, which wobble but don’t fall down, is still too painful for me to talk about. Where’s my refund?

Generations of children who longed for Barbie and Ken’s pleasingly smooth nether regions could only grow to feel shame for their own clumsy, real world genitalia. I say a cruel injustice has been perpetrated here. I call on Susan Linn to speak for those too young or too stupid to seize the opportunity for notoriety and fiduciary gain. Maybe Disney could do a video teaching us all about that.

A semi-related post:
Stupid Baby Names, Part Duh

Magick Monday Manscaping Tutorial

August 17, 2009

Here at Magick Sandwich, we are committed to the social construct known as pube grooming.

We are proud to see that Gillette supports this cause with its online instructional videos for men. It tells men how to shave their faces, backs and chests. But “How to Shave: Shaving Down There” is our hands-down favorite.

“When there’s no underbrush, the tree looks taller.” Wow. That’s subtle.

Oddly enough, for sheer balls, you’ll have to watch the ad that Schick Quattro for Women is running on televisions across our great nation. Stop over at Bee’s Musings to see the incredible shrinking bushes. I have to say I understand the one cropped to a landing strip and the inverted triangle, but the round and square ones? Kinky. Also, where was the topiary that gets pruned to nothing a la the Sphinx? (That’s completely bare for you laymen out there.)

Schick’s website’s tagline is “Because you never know what might happen between shaves.” Yeah, don’t let that spontaneous standup assignation with a busboy in the restroom at Red Lobster catch you unaware. Pubic stubble? Now that would be embarrassing.

More personal care items:
Fart Filter: Product of the Week
Scrotal Deodorant Wash: Product of the Week

Laws of Selection?

July 24, 2009

You’ll often find at least two women surveying this aisle, unable to find their preferred kind. It’s like a menstrual IQ test. Some use game theory, teaming up to locate each other’s style, be it thick, thin, long, winged, scented or singly wrapped.

A product this personal inspires brand loyalty, but are all these permutations necessary? Can individual requirements be that different? I hope it goes without saying that you should not send your man on this errand. That constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, without a doubt.

Prescription Eyelashes: Product of the Week

June 26, 2009

It’s FDA-approved and has Brooke Shields as its “compensated spokesperson” so it must be a miracle product. What is it? It’s Latisse!

According to the print and TV advertising, this product is for “inadequate or not enough lashes.” It’s nice of them to want to include customers who don’t know what the word inadequate means. There’s a clinical term for this scourge: hypotrichosis. Yes, it’s a real disorder. I always felt sorry for Brooke Shields and her puny lashes; perhaps she is preparing for a trip by camel through a sandstorm and really needs a lush fringe to protect her beautiful eyes.

Speaking of eyes, here’s a snippet of the ad:

May cause eyelid skin darkening which may be reversible and there is potential for increased brown iris pigmentation which is likely permanent.

Wow, I can see why the FDA approved this while hassling Cheerios for its claims of lower cholesterol. Permanently changing the color of my eye while getting thicker lashes is definitely preferable to possibly not getting a heart benefit while eating a nourishing breakfast cereal.

If you are using prescription medications for lowering eye pressure or have a history of eye pressure problems, only use Latisse under close doctor care….If you develop or experience any eye problems or have eye surgery, consult your doctor immediately about continued use of Latisse. Common side effects include itchy eye and eye redness.

Why should I let a silly little thing like protecting my vision hold me back? Perhaps Allergan should print some advertisements in Braille for those in their desired client base who don’t have to worry about these things. I even have an idea for that group’s spokesperson: paging Stevie Wonder!

This is going to be such a hit in the Middle East. Brazen hussies will shamelessly bat their eyes and seduce the locals like a burka-clad Mae West: “Is that a banana under your dishdasha or are you just glad to see me?” I’m sure Allergan already has a marketing plan in place.

In the TV ad, Brooke looks at us winsomely under her pneumatic lashes and says, “Ask your doctor if Latisse is right for you.”

If he says yes, find yourself another doctor.

More products:
Fart Filter: Product of the Week
Straight from the Sucker Files: SNUS

Fart Filter: Product of the Week

June 15, 2009

Do you wake up with a wreath of methane hanging around your head from your significant other’s flatus following a Taco Bell bender the night before?

Are you oxygen-deprived by the fart machine who works in the next cubicle?

Do you enjoy emitting the foul, gaseous issue of your rectum in public but rue the accusing stares in the elevator?

Well, thank your lucky stars that there is a product for the sphincter control challenged: it’s the Flat-D.

The Flatulence Deodorizer is actually a discreet charcoal filter that you secure to your underwear before going out on the town for a night of unbridled passing. You can view the how-to video here.

Imagine the joy of blowing a broccoli fart while being reprimanded by your boss. It’ll lower the psi in your colon and he’ll never know what triggered his migraine.

There is one caveat for the guys: this male maxi-pad will not work in boxer shorts, which do not cling tightly enough to your exhaust portal for the fart filter to be effective. So switch to tighty whiteys or face the grim task of actually holding it in.

The company makes a charcoal chair pad, but you’ll need to practice getting your farts to blow straight down into it. An errant squeaker squirting up twixt the ass cheeks can be hard to disown.

Luckily, Flat-D Innovations hasn’t forgotten the ladies. If you prefer to outgas in sexy underwear, the Thong-D is for you!

And best of all, it’s 100% guaranteed. Believe it or not, if you are unsatisfied, you can return the nasty thing with your farts locked inside for a full refund.

But please be kind and seal it well before mailing; you don’t want to knock out the UPS guy who inadvertently gives it a squeeze and releases its stench like smelly minions from Satan’s couch cushion.

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