Celebrity Archives - Magick Sandwich

Elton John, Wedding Whore, Sings at Rush Limbaugh’s Wedding

June 8, 2010

Seriously, are you shitting me? Elton John sang at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding this past weekend? Could this be the seventh sign of the apocalypse?

I wrote about Sir John almost exactly one year ago in my post, Elton John, Funeral Whore, to Sing at Michael Jackson’s Service. Even I thought I was being a little harsh. I should never have doubted myself. Once a beloved musician, John has become little more than a bloated gay mascot. Is his ubiquity at celebrity weddings and funerals a last grasp at relevance? Or just a dash for cash?

Rush Limbaugh, bloated Republican mascot, is a staunch critic of homosexuality. He’s no fan of California’s music industry, judging from this quip: “The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.” Of course, that wouldn’t apply to Elton John, who’s from across the pond. But this statement might: “When a gay person turns his back on you, it is anything but an insult; it’s an invitation.”

Hmm, what would Freud have said about that? Does Rush secretly long to be a rump rustler? It certainly seems like he’s threatened by the temptation of a male tush. I can’t imagine any man (or woman, for that matter) being attracted to Limbaugh, puffed up like a beached whale baking in the sun and emitting the foul stench of decay.

Rush Limbaugh DR sex tourist

Let’s leave such speculation to the experts for now. Rush, gay hater, paid Elton, gay star, one million dollars to sing at his wedding. Since Elton is worth close to quarter of a billion dollars, I assume he will donate the money to an AIDS charity. He has contributed millions to AIDS-related causes. Unfortunately, that does not keep Sir John from being a big, sloppy media whore.

Elton John sings at Limbaugh wedding

Then again, I would hope he’d cover Rush Limbaugh’s funeral for free. I’m just not sure what he’ll substitute for Candle in the Wind. That seems to be his go-to tune. He’s tweaked it for everyone from Princess Di to Michael Jackson.

It seems to me
that you lived your life
like a cancer in the wind…

It has a certain ring to it, don’t you think? What would you have him sing?

More Limbaugh:

Stop Picking on Rush Limbaugh!

Rush Limbaugh – Douche of the Week

Where Were You?

July 7, 2009

Hello, world!

So everyone will know where I am during Michael Jackson’s memorial service, which I’m sure is very important to you all, I am blogging to you from my Blackberry while taking a dump…at Michael Jackson’s memorial service. Well, outside it. They’ve got golden Port-O-Sans out here. It’s pretty plush.

There is so much sadness here. I see it on the faces of parents who must now go back to playing the lottery. Some lobbed their young boys at the passing funeral cortege in a last desperate attempt at pimpdom. I see it also on the faces of the children, who will never know the joy of shaking hands with MJ’s mottled Mr. Happy.

Such a sad day.

Elton John, Funeral Whore, to Sing at Michael Jackson’s Service

June 27, 2009

Thursday evening, Elton John paid tribute to Michael Jackson at his annual White Tie and Tiara Ball, dedicating his song “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” to the dead pop star.

Few people know that Jackson was working on his own version of Elton’s classic, tentatively titled “Please Let Your Son Go Down on Me.”

At the ball, John also dedicated “Candle in the Wind” to Jackson, a song originally written about Marilyn Monroe then retooled for Princess Diana.

Rumor has it that Sir John is working on a web-based funeral ballad generator, which fans could use to plug in a dead pal’s vital statistics and emerge with a ready-made eulogy in song.

Of course, Elton would receive a royalty for every performance. For an undisclosed fee, Elton will show up at a funeral and throw himself on the coffin. Photos, of course, cost extra.

Elton remains undecided as to which song he will perform at Michael Jackson’s funeral, where he expects a spectacular turnout.

He is reportedly working on finishing Jackson’s version of “Please Let Your Son Go Down on Me” though he is also said to be combing his thesaurus to find a word for pedophile that rhymes with candle.

Angelina Jolie, Beautiful Freakshow

February 27, 2009

When did Angelina Jolie go from being an S&M-crazed, goth bisexual to a beaming earth mother? Is this a sign of the apocalypse? She’s already taking Maddox to buy knives! (Not that there’s anything wrong with that if you’re into cutlery. Jolie’s mother bought her knives and look how great she turned out.)

And she was breastfeeding (stay focused, guys) and got tattoos? Were her twins hanging on her teats while she got inked? It seems that laser removal didn’t completely get rid of the old Billy Bob tat, so she’s having it covered with the latitudes and longitudes of her children’s birthplaces. Was she pissed she had twins because the last two map entries are exact? Or did she waddle to another delivery room while number two was crowning so the numbers wouldn’t match?

She’s a beautiful, complex woman. It’s more fun to keep up on her life than it is to focus on issues that really matter. But it can’t last forever. She’ll fall from grace: you know she will. What will it take? Will it be when she treats Pax to a SpongeBob tattoo? And not to be catty, Brad, but Popeye Doyle called. He wants his hat back.

Lance and Kate Split: The Horror, The Horror

July 30, 2008

Say it ain’t so! Philandering one-balled bicyclist Lance Armstrong and free love advocate Kate Hudson have called it quits! I, for one, am shocked and dismayed! Click here for details from Daily News. Just kidding—I know you don’t really care.

This is just one more thing to distract us from the national deficit, Ted Stevens‘ indictment, Robert Novak‘s brain tumor, and the Republican wingnut running for president. (Is it just me, or does he look more like the gopher from Caddyshack every day? I keep expecting him to break into ‘I’m Alright’ while swaying back and forth.)

I do feel sorry for Ryder, Kate’s son. In addition to keeping his hair long to use him as a parental fashion statement, Kate should buy him an “Are you my new daddy?” t-shirt and put a revolving door on her bedroom.

I’m not excusing that slut Armstrong by any means. But this leg-shaving, spandex-wearing hound has lucked into more p***y than anyone in the history of cycling and he’s going to get it while he can. Ball cancer’s the best thing that ever happened to him.

As for Ryder hanging out with Mom in an ass-baring thong, just start the therapy fund now. And don’t blame Oedipus. I doubt Kate Hudson ever read the classics.

Related Posts:
Lance Armstrong, Cancer Slut, Dating Kate Hudson
Great Gifts for Depressed Friends – LiveStrong bracelet alternative

Cancer Slut Lance Armstrong Dating Kate Hudson

June 1, 2008

I guess Kate got sick of balls slapping both sides of her chin.

Bill O’Reilly Cures Depression

May 15, 2008

Yes, dear imaginary reader, I’ve been feeling Too Bummed to Blog, which should be listed in the DSM-IV. (If you don’t know what the DSM-IV is, wiki it, okay? I don’t have the will to explain.)

This is one of those times when subscribing to updates from Funny or Die pays off. Part of the allure must be its name, which appeals to both ends of my psychic teeter-totter. Checking email requires a vanishingly small amount of volition; clicking a hyperlink burns less than a mental calorie. Even I can handle that.

The site’s recording of an actual call to Des Moines Police Dispatch by an officer being hit with an M&M is priceless. (Update: While the audio is no longer available, you can still find the news story here. I wonder if the college student arrested for the assault has had trouble finding employment because of his criminal record. As I write this nine years later, I realize how unfunny that run-in would be today.)

That leads me to the video of a Bill O’Reilly meltdown, which is pure audiovisual Prozac. I guarantee it will warm your cockles, wherever they may anatomically be. By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask you: when are you going to get around to washing those? They’re starting to reek.

In fact, if you suffer from a mood disorder of any kind, I highly recommend signing up for Funny or Die’s newsletter. Of course, the Will Ferrell “Landlord” video is deservedly the site’s most famous offering. But even the lame bits beat any spam from Nigeria or one of your buddy’s latest computer virus warnings. (“Somebody checked it out on snopes.com, so it must be true!”)

N.B. If you’re still feeling down, maybe Bill’s rant wasn’t enough for you. In this case, I would prescribe Top Ten Angry On-Camera Meltdowns, stat. If you’re still depressed, call 911. I’m not a miracle worker.