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Vagina Repo Gwyneth Edition

Vagina Repo: Gwyneth Edition

The real golden ticket here is the Mugworth V-Steam; You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.

 Gwyneth Paltrow, GOOP.com

Gwyneth dear, clearly you never got the owner’s manual. How else to explain your ignorance of something that is only a couple feet from your face at all times? Though I’m sure you are so flexible from your spiritual yoga practice that you’re one plow pose away from direct nose-to-labia confrontation, I feel that you need a visual aid. To wit:

Have one of your servants fetch a hand mirror and position it so that you can see your pudendum in all its undoubtedly depilated glory. Note the geography. (Remember, it’s that class you took while perfecting your Blue Steel facial pose.) If you can see your uterus from here, then you won’t need a doula to massage your perineum with sacred oils during childbirth. You can just shoot them out like they’re on a waterslide at Six Flags.

In fact, short of borrowing a pressure washer from your local car wash, steam will most assuredly not reach your uterus. (Note: Steam Douche: excellent band name.) The mini-throne is essentially a chair with a hole in it through which the spa taps your Iron Man residuals. As for the “energetic release,” it’s possible…if your vagina is pulling a very tiny train.

I do have to thank you for the information on how steam affects hormone levels. It explains that weird day at the gym when I spent too much time in the sauna and turned into a man.

More like this:
Pimp Your Vajajay for Valentine’s Day!
4 New Products to Try on Valentine’s Day
Crazy Beauty Treatments for Valentine’s Day

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Elton John, Wedding Whore, Sings at Rush Limbaugh’s Wedding

Seriously, are you shitting me? Elton John sang at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding this past weekend? Could this be the seventh sign of the apocalypse?

I wrote about Sir John almost exactly one year ago in my post, Elton John, Funeral Whore, to Sing at Michael Jackson’s Service. Even I thought I was being a little harsh. I should never have doubted myself. Once a beloved musician, John has become little more than a bloated gay mascot. Is his ubiquity at celebrity weddings and funerals a last grasp at relevance? Or just a dash for cash?

Rush Limbaugh, bloated Republican mascot, is a staunch critic of homosexuality. He’s no fan of California’s music industry, judging from this quip: “The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt comes with less fruit.” Of course, that wouldn’t apply to Elton John, who’s from across the pond. But this statement might:  “When a gay person turns his back on you, it is anything but an insult; it’s an invitation.”

Hmm, what would Freud have said about that? Does Rush secretly long to be a rump rustler? It certainly seems like he’s threatened by the temptation of a male tush. I can’t imagine any man (or woman, for that matter) being attracted to Limbaugh, puffed up like a beached whale baking in the sun and emitting the foul stench of decay.

Rush Limbaugh DR sex tourist

Let’s leave such speculation to the experts for now. Rush, gay hater, paid Elton, gay star, one million dollars to sing at his wedding. Since Elton is worth close to quarter of a billion dollars, I assume he will donate the money to an AIDS charity. He has contributed millions to AIDS-related causes. Unfortunately, that does not keep Sir John from being a big, sloppy media whore.

Elton John sings at Limbaugh wedding

Then again, I would hope he’d cover Rush Limbaugh’s funeral for free. I’m just not sure what he’ll substitute for Candle in the Wind. That seems to be his go-to tune. He’s tweaked it for everyone from Princess Di to Michael Jackson.

It seems to me
that you lived your life
like a cancer in the wind…

It has a certain ring to it, don’t you think? What would you have him sing?
More Limbaugh:
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The Man in the Mirror

Isn’t it odd that the only thing Michael Jackson did for race relations was to try to change himself from one to the other?

Related posts:
Where Were You?
Elton John, Funeral Whore, To Sing at Michael Jackson’s Service

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Where Were You?

Hello, world!

So everyone will know where I am during Michael Jackson’s memorial service, which I’m sure is very important to you all, I am blogging to you from my Blackberry while taking a dump…at Michael Jackson’s memorial service. Well, outside it. They’ve got golden Port-O-Sans out here. It’s pretty plush.

There is so much sadness here. I see it on the faces of parents who must now go back to playing the lottery. Some lobbed their young boys at the passing funeral cortege in a last desperate attempt at pimpdom. I see it also on the faces of the children, who will never know the joy of shaking hands with MJ’s mottled Mr. Happy.

Such a sad day.

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Michael Jackson Magick Sandwich

Elton John, Funeral Whore, to Sing at Michael Jackson’s Service

Michael Jackson Magick Sandwich

Thursday evening, Elton John paid tribute to Michael Jackson at his annual White Tie and Tiara Ball, dedicating his song “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” to the dead pop star.

Few people know that Jackson was working on his own version of Elton’s classic, tentatively titled “Please Let Your Son Go Down on Me.”

At the ball, John also dedicated “Candle in the Wind” to Jackson, a song originally written about Marilyn Monroe then retooled for Princess Diana.

Rumor has it that Sir John is working on a web-based funeral ballad generator, which fans could use to plug in a dead pal’s vital statistics and emerge with a ready-made eulogy in song.

Elton John Magick SandwichOf course, Elton would receive a royalty for every performance. For an undisclosed fee, Elton will show up at a funeral and throw himself on the coffin. Photos, of course, cost extra.

Elton remains undecided as to which song he will perform at Michael Jackson’s funeral, where he expects a spectacular turnout.

He is reportedly working on finishing Jackson’s version of “Please Let Your Son Go Down on Me” though he is also said to be combing his thesaurus to find a word for pedophile that rhymes with candle.

Related post:
Elton John, Wedding Whore, Sings at Rush Limbaugh’s Wedding

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Ask the Right Question

Instead of asking if Bruce Willis, at 54, is too old for his bride, 30-year-old Victoria’s Secret model Emma Heming, we should be asking this: Isn’t she too old to be a model?

Stupid baby names

The Stupid Baby Name Generator or Zuma Nesta Rock Paper Scissors: Home Edition

Remember back in 1987, when everybody gave Woody Allen crap for naming his kid Satchel? What a difference a couple of decades make. In homage to the latest Hollywood couple upping the ante of sadistic baby names, I have come up with a very unscientific method of naming your next living, breathing fashion accessory.

(By the way, Woody’s son was named after Satchel Paige, the legendary ballplayer. He legally changed his name to Ronan Seamus Farrow, and I’m not going to make fun of that because he seems like a great guy from his bio on Wikipedia.)

#1. Pick a place where you had a moment of clarity that put your whole life in perspective.

According to US Weekly‘s baby name expert, Pamela Redmond Satran, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale named their son after a beach in California where Rossdale had a life-altering epiphany.

“He was standing on Zuma Beach in the early morning after working all night as a production assistant on a music video and was quoted as saying he realized he was wasting his time,” Satran says. “He drove up the coast, slept in his car, and started making the moves that would launch his career.”

It’s a good thing for little Zuma that his daddy didn’t figure this out while he was on the john—or maybe he would’ve just named him John, which would’ve been okay. Or Stool. Yup, still better than Zuma.

#2. Choose your favorite famous person.

Nesta was supposedly Bob Marley‘s name before it was changed to Robert by some immigration jackboot who really did us all a favor since Nesta would’ve been harder to read on a blacklight poster and might have provoked subliminal cravings for chocolate syrup or tea in a can.

Of course, it would be most cool to use a name that symbolizes your fight against the Man. For our purposes, let’s include anyone who has used a different name at some point. Do you prefer Cherilyn Sarkisian LaPiere to Cher or Arnold George to Engelbert?

Naming your kid should be fun. I can’t think of anything less fun than spending as much time as I just did to find out that Humperdinck was the real name of a 19th-century composer who adapted Hansel and Gretel for opera. Please, don’t waste your time. Make it up; no one’s looking. One love, indeed.

#3. Name your profession or favorite purported homosexual.

The name Rock “needs no explanation,” given that the baby’s parents are rock stars, Satran says, and the fact that we’re “long overdue for Rock Hudson-inspired revival.”

Let’s face it, Satran is blowing sunshine up our asses with this one. She has no frigging idea what it means. If it means rock star, how could it apply to these bozos? They wouldn’t know rock if it hit them in the face. (Note to self: hit them in the face with a rock.)

If it’s an ode to Rock Hudson, then many closeted performers come to mind. Legal disclaimer: I don’t know why it brings them to mind or if they are indeed in a closet of any kind. I make no claims as to anyone’s sexual preference and no judgments thereof. After all, look at how badly these stupid breeders are screwing up!

So…… I’ve come up with a few choices:

Daytona Cougar Receptionist

Produce Aisle Cassius Mario Lopez

Crack Den Geddy Salad Bar Manager

Did this help you come up with a baby name? Please do share it with me. (Cher/share pun, ha ha, oh no, need more meds). And while you’re at it, I have another question for you all: who the hell is Gavin Rossdale?

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